Whenever I get a call from a telemarketer, I just treat them like a free therapist. We can talk about my car’s extended warranty after you figure out why I’m afraid of pralines.
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Guy next to me is doing a crossword puzzle, so I’m about to start dropping some big words in case he wants to ask me for help
I like to be called a MILF because it’s better than being called a MILTMALIAD. (Mother I’d like to murder and leave in a ditch.)
“It’s too late. You can’t stop it now.”
– Every villain in every single movie moments before the hero stops them now
“There’s a creepy bleeding witch who doesn’t look friendly. She has cheese though.”
– my husband, deciding whether to interact with a character in a video game
Leftist: Abolish prison
Me (realising that would make a Con Air sequel impossible): Hold on a minute
Hear me out: Spray-on wrapping paper.
I’m fat, but not accidentally give birth in the Walmart bathroom because I didn’t know I was pregnant, fat.
I am now afraid to click on any celebrity name trending it just keeps getting worse and worse
Me [coming in from walking the dog]: It’s raining bring your umbrella to the bus stop.
Child: It’s not raining.
Me: Um, yes. I was just outside.
Child: I’M LOOKING outside and it’s not raining.
Me: omg fine.
Child: [leaves]
…
…
…
Child [coming back in]: I need my umbrella.
*changes entire paper to past tense to try to increase the page count*
“Are you talking back to me?” “Mom, that’s how a conversation works.”
god: here are the animals
man: [pointing to horse] i’m making that one wear shoes
cover letters are so weird like bro why do I need to write you some fan fiction about working for you
Friend: Get anything for Valentine’s Day?
Me: Chocolate-covered strawberries and wine.
Friend: Did you get him anything?
Me: No, I spent all my money on my strawberries and wine.
I wanna show you the world but your mom wants you back at 10 😭
Told my 56-year-old coworker that I’m a bit anti-social and he said “yeah I noticed that about you, you don’t necessarily light up a room”
Told my daughter work was tough today and she patted my back and said, “Life isn’t always pickles and peaches,” like some kind of 3rd Grade Confucius.
My daughter and I decided to play Monopoly, and we’ve been arguing about the rules for the last hour.
Her: Awww. Can I hold your baby?
Me: Of course. Here you go.[later]
Her: Can I see your phone?
Me: *eyes narrowed* Are you insane?
ME [as a kid]: someday, I can go buy beer legally
ME [now]: i just wanna buy marshmallows
Wife: I just wanted our honeymoon to be special.
Me holding 2 Nintendo64 controllers: Me too, but you need to hurry and pick a character.
Kate who dumped me at junior school now wants me to like her interior decorating Facebook page.
How the tables have turned Kate.
I really wish they had told me this before I got to the morgue
[shopping for make-up]
“Excuse me, what will make my eyes pop?”
“I know exactly what you need.”
[boots you into the vacuum of deep space]
He wanted to role play doctor and patient, so I have him waiting in my living room next to my neighbour with the wet cough.
Women are like ripe peaches, they don’t keep as well in the refrigerator after they’ve been cut in half.
me: okay, thank you!
boss: thank you more!
me, whispering: we can’t do this, you have a family.
boss: what
me: what
Valuable child raising tip from the New York Times
People r afraid of boogers. I bet u could rob a bank with a booger! Folks in the bank would back up! Police would be puzzled tho: A Bogger?!