Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

SON: *first word* momma.

MOM: DID YOU HEAR THAT?

ME: *distracted by the faint song of an ice cream truck*
He never comes down our street.

Waking up and having 3 hours before my alarm goes off: *sleeps*

Waking up and having 3 minutes before my alarm goes off: *SLEEPS FASTER*

And is this “year-end bonus” in the room with us right now?

Blizzard after 3 years of Overwatch lore development

3yo: Let’s have a discussion.

Me: OK, about what?

3yo: About why your hair looks like a rat slept in it. If I have to brush my hair, you do too.

Why do people talking about legal matters use the term “in a court of law?” In the context of your very legal story, Karen, what the hell kind of court did you think I was imagining?

I used to laugh at my neighbour for getting the gender of his dog wrong for years until my cat laid an egg and now I suspect it’s a penguin.

[First day as a crime scene photographer]

Detective: please stop telling the corpse to “work it”

When you were a kid, you said “But I’m not tired!” at some point, and you had no idea that it was the last time you’d ever utter that phrase.

Chicken cooking times in recipes are the reason I have t̶r̶u̶s̶t̶ ̶i̶s̶s̶u̶e̶s̶ salmonella

[filling out job application]
Race: Barbarian

Having a conversation with my oldest we came to this impasse:

5: No mom, not chicken the animal, chicken the food!

Me: Oh man, buddy…I’ve got bad news for you.

NYT: Yes Sauron Can Be Quite Aggressive But Consider Hobbits Who Go Around Throwing People’s Jewelry Into Lava Pits

Co-pilot: you need to let the passengers know but keep them calm

Me *presses intercom* how fun is swimming?!

*working in hospital with med student*

me: ok so this patient is here today with a lot of crystals

med student: oooh u mean like those healing crystals

me: no the crystals are in their urine

med student: oooh so like harming crystals

me: correct

There’s nothing more humiliating than taking your pet to bed with you, and they get down and leave the room.

daniel radcliffes agent: hello harry potter

daniel radcliffe: hello

agent: would you like to be in a movie

daniel radcliffe: is it very strange

agent: yes

daniel radcliffe: then yes

agent: when can you get here

daniel radcliffe: i’m in your yard climbing trees as we speak

The fact that folks get so riled up over nudity but aren’t upset that anybody could be carrying a gun makes me want to shoot people.

I just tried to place an order for coffee but my husband hung up on me.

Why are they called urinal cakes and not pisscuits

You haven’t lived until you’ve wrestled an alligator*

*dressed a toddler

Don’t mistake my habit to look down, as modesty.I have a long history of tripping on the most ridiculous things

“ur password is weak” well so is my memory so please let me keep it

I’ll stick with papa johns 🤣🤣🤣

it is now officially the weekend do not bother me unless you are Taylor swift

Ladies, have you gone shopping lately? Where are the other halves of the shirts and pyjamas?
They’re all made for Winnie the Pooh. Oh bother, my ab gets cold.

So grateful for pillows. My head works hard, it deserves its own widdle bed.

*middle of a 6 hour road trip,

One 8 year old twin says to the other: “Id roast you, but Mom said I’m not allowed to burn trash.”