Whenever I get a “Final Notice” letter from a bill collector, I assume this concludes our business transaction.
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Who called it a shopaholic and not a boughtanist?
Yeah I have only 2 friends but guess what. Quality over quantity. And are my 2 friends good? Absolutely not,
Being a little bit crazy is like being a little bit pregnant – you can only hide it for so long.
I lost 7 followers today.
It’s nice to know some people are finally reading my tweets
my girlfriend of the past 6 months said the time has come for her to release me into the wild. i have awoken groggy, somewhere in a jungle, and i can hear the sounds of insects, a rushing river, and some very persistent hooting noises off in the distance.
[gates of Valhalla]
ODIN: did you die in battle?
[flashback to me suffocating in a children’s ninja turtle costume]
ME: ya
I said ‘wake me up with just your mouth’ and she’s not stopped yelling until after I jumped out of the bed.
It’s like kids can just smell us relaxing.
I made a barista at Starbucks cry when I put my name down as “Dad” and he just stood there calling it over and over
[late to work]
boss: well ??
me: (panicking) uhh my car got stuck in the suez canal
Just think, if you had managed to squeeze in 20-30 minutes of running every day for the past month, you’d be really far from home right now.
I was getting mad in traffic earlier and my 3-year-old said “all you can do is calm down and let the cars go” and now I have a therapist.
ME: eat your veggies so you grow up big and strong
SON: *looks me up and down* you didn’t eat your veggies, did you
ME: *under breath* damn, son
DOCTOR: Do you have any questions?
“Can I shower with this cast?”
DOCTOR: What do you think, guys?
PHOEBE, JOEY, CHANDLER, MONICA: Sure!
Fine. I’ll rush you to the hospital, but then we’re doing what I want.
INCORRECT PUNCTUATION STARTS FIGHTS:
Happy April Fools!!!
VS.
Happy April, Fools!!!
“Hey, people who cover their mouth when they laugh; noone is trying to steal your teeth”, i hiss through my very normal amount of teeth.
Trebek: This aromatic drink shares its name with a letter of the English alphabet
Other contestants: *trying to ring in*
Me: [triumphantly] What is pee?
Every zoo is a petting zoo if you can run fast enough.
Doctor: It doesn’t look good
Me: What? You haven’t even tested me for covid yet
Doctor: Judging by that outfit you’ve clearly lost your sense of taste
Me: Which is closer, the moon or California?
Granddaughter: The moon. I can’t see California from here.
Honey, I made the news! Apparently that old lady I fought at the library wasn’t a ghost
me: *wistful* what if you could go back in time and relive a delightful meal with a loved one?
him: is it leftovers again?
me: it’s leftovers again.
Wife is angry because “somebody” dripped grape jelly onto the dog’s head.
It feels very accusatory.
Party Cat & Scaredy Cat
Idea for a ghost hunting show: have calm people investigate shit
One time I got fired for being too drunk. Not for being drunk. For being too drunk. I miss that place.
My husband called and asked if I could be naked before he gets home from work. I feel awkward sitting here with his mother, but whatever.
I have a horrific story to share. I sauteed broccoli for dinner with extended family. We were almost done. I was about to eat my last bite. And I saw a caterpillar. I went to the pan. More caterpillars. By then it was too late. So, I said nothing. I fed my family caterpillars 😭