Whenever I get a “Final Notice” letter from a bill collector, I assume this concludes our business transaction.
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Where’d he go? 😂💛
doggosbeingdoggos
A guy came up to me and said he loved my car selfies. Well, it was a cop and his actual words were “This ticket is for distracted driving.”
Asked a guy who had clearly just finished a run how long he’s been into running and he was like “an hour?” And I was like no I mean in your life? And he was like “my run was an hour long”
“pew, pew, pew!”
-me, pointing out seating options in a church
BRAIN: you need to let loose a little, have some fun
ME: rainbow colored goldfish crackers it is
What Nasa dont want you to know is those space suits they wear, those are actually bee keepers outfits.
Space is full of bees.
The moon is actually a giant hive, its where we get like 95% of our honey from. Check that moon landing footage again, its not grainy, thats a swarm.
My husband bought a steamer because I don’t iron. I wonder how long it’s going to take him to figure out that I don’t steam?
What idiot decided to call them koalas instead of awww-stralians?
EMTs showed up at my house unexpectedly, so I guess the neighbors did see me when the bee landed on my head
My niece asked me what it’s like to be an uncle, so we got a feral cat from a shelter, chased it around for a bit, then took it back.
Teacher: Ok, which of you stole the thesaurus?
Student: Not me
Student: Not me
Student: Nay myself
Student: Not me
Getting older is just one body part after another saying.
“Ha ha. you think that’s bad?
Watch this.”
Sometimes I think my toddlers are smart
Other times they throw tantrums because they get their fingers stuck
In their other hand
me: I just don’t know what you see in me
X-ray tech: twelve ice cream sandwiches. Still in their foil wrappers
I asked my son what kind of cake he wanted for his birthday…
“A burger cake with ketchup frosting!!”
Meatloaf. He wants meatloaf…
Her: Mmm, you smell nice, what’s that cologne?
Me: Oh, something French and expensive. I wanted to impress you.
Cat: It’s Febreze-scented cat litter dust from changing my litter box.
Me: You’re a really shitty wingman, Felix.
Guy on an electric bike asked if I was single and I told him I’m not really “into dating right now” and he said “that’s cool” and let me ride his very cool electric bike but when it was over he said “that’s what you’re missing” and scooted off into the distance
dads when they smell someone in the neighborhood grillin’
Sharon, call the vet
I saw Jesus trending and my heart dropped. My first thought was ‘damn you 2016!’ but then i realized it was just his birthday.
If you watch Titanic backwards it’s about a boy named Jack who leaves his underwater home, saves a rich lady, puts a sinking ship back together through sheer power of will and then becomes super poor and dirty
People are usually shocked that I have a Police record.
I don’t know why. They made pretty good music.
Don’t cry because it’s over smile because you had a solid alibi & no one will ever find the body.
I feel I’ve done my best to tolerate lactose long enough.
The male version of pamphlets are jimphlets, thank you for your time
The soul weighs 21 grams. We know this because the Jurassic World film reels are 21 grams lighter than Jurassic Park
I saw a hummingbird outside my kitchen window first thing this morning. Guess it forgot the lyrics.
Wife: What is twitter?
Me: Hold on a sec, I gotta go to the bathroom. *flushes iphone down toilet*
I saw all your OJ jokes yesterday and they absolutely killed me
[Donald Duck opens gift]
Daisy: It’s pants. Try them on!
Donald: [stands] STOP TRYING TO CHANGE ME WOMAN