Whenever I get a “Final Notice” letter from a bill collector, I assume this concludes our business transaction.
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Actually it’s pronounced “jaslight” – you’ve been saying it wrong the whole time
Are you questioning my vocabulary skills, pal? Cause you are gonna get punched right in the plethora
My wife asked me: “What’s the most risky, dangerous food you’ve ever eaten.”
Me: “wedding cake”.
Copied tweets with higher no. of RTs remind me of tht incident when Charlie Chaplin entered a Charlie Chaplin look-alike contest n came 3rd.
Are we still sending rich dudes to space cause I just got a 2 dollar bill in the mail from GramGram and this shining star is ready to rocket
[Satan advising me on choosing the right career path] law school it is
*locks hands with stranger in elevator*
im nervous, this is my first time flying
I think my girlfriend’s a secret drug dealer–
I just answered her phone, and this man said “is that dope still there?”
I remember this one time I peed in the pool. The lifeguard yelled so loud I almost fell in.
I don’t always go outside but when I do I hit my forehead really hard on a shelf to make sure I look like an idiot.
Turns out if you don’t click “turn in” when you’re done with your assignment on google classroom, you won’t get credit for doing it.
– my 11yo, genuinely shocked at this discovery
Say what you will, but at least both of my AirPods still work.
Probably.
If I can just remember where the hell…
ME:After years dealing with my garbage-
RACCOON:*raccoon noises*
ME:*gets down on one knee* it’s become clear you’re the one for me
RACCOON:
It would be easier if they just reported which parts of the globe aren’t on fire and don’t have hurricanes.
The year is 3250 and scientists were able to extract the data from an old cell phone, dated around 2022, that they found in an archeological dig. They came to the conclusion that humans didn’t used to own clothes judging by all the naked pictures found in this phone.
A priest, a minster, and a rabbit walk into a bar. The rabbit says, “I think I’m a typo.”
Me: Hi.
Girl: No.
(drops a Cheetoh on the ground)
ants: seize him
I’ve invented a loaf of bread that says ‘Good Morning!’ in German.
I’ve also invented one that just says ‘Morning!’ in German, that’s the guten-free version.
Me: “I just want a girl who likes Star Wars as much as me.”
Hot girl: “I like Star Wars”
Me: “Oh yeah? Name all 3 security guards I blew to get my own private tour of the Starship Enterprise!”
Breaking news:
“Ooooh the Zodiac Killer, so scary. Are you going to kill me with astrology whoa that’s a big knife.”
“You know that’s not even a word, right?” I said, condescendingatively
just like to remind everyone that if you wear a stylish belt with your bathrobe it becomes a dress
People laughed when I said I wanted to be a professional snooker player. They’re not laughing now because it was ages ago.
It’s amazing how many errands I’m willing to run when family is in town. No, no you relax. I’ll go.
I want rich people’s problems like government denying the permission of landing my chopper on my mansion.
Dated a mime once – God was it good – he did sooooo many ~unspeakable things~to me ….
If you’ve never seen your woman truly pissed at you, it’s obvious you’ve never used her sewing scissors to cut paper.
Chris: I don’t care.
Kris: I don’t kare either.