Whenever I get a “Final Notice” letter from a bill collector, I assume this concludes our business transaction.
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I wish I’d gotten my affairs in order before I bit into this hot pepper.
*Listening to red hot chili peppers*
Me: You call that music? I can’t even hear anything!
Worker: Sir, stop putting produce to your ear.
*weighs self*
“Shit”
*takes clothes off*
“GODDAMMIT”
*takes tampon out*
Everyone seems so happy for you until they realize your baby carrier is just filled with mozzarella sticks.
It’s pretty impressive how chill toddlers are most of the time when you remember that they usually have 0 context for anything that is happening.
Today, a week after we moved to another state, my son looked around and then asked, “are we still on earth?”
“I refuse to be part of an apartheid system that reveres whiteness and segregates those of colour”
“Just do the damn laundry”
Before you criticize my scam how about you give me a chance to lie to you about it
[interview]
“So, what do you enjoy doing when you’re not working?”
“I enjoy going for walks, watching films and cooking”
“And your pet hates?”
“Going for walks, trips to the vets and shitting outside when it’s raining”
At my age getting up early just means that I had to go pee and I couldn’t hold it anymore.
How did we decide to go with cockpit?
Realtor Dog: if you’d like to buy this house, pee here… and here
How to determine what party to vote for:
1) Calculate income
2) Divide by number of dependents
3) Subtract age
4) Download Game of War
A group of women all bought their husbands the same shirt and didn’t tell them…🤣
The most stressful part of my day is when my 5 year old shows me what he made in Arts & Crafts and I have to guess what it is.
was going to buy this diversion safe but realized somewhat ironically that the only thing of value to my name is a can of hormel chili
7 year old neighbor informed me that they weren’t feelin’ my musical tastes this morning, so I’m not feeling giving him a ride anymore
Co-worker: *spots me in line for Toy Story* wait, you have friends?
Me: *clutching two extra large popcorn for myself* yes and I’m about to see them all
listen, Geppetto made a marionette to replace his dead son, so technically Pinocchio is “mourning wood.”
“Open the pod bay doors, Hal.”
“I’m sorry, Dave. I’m afraid I can’t do that.”
“What’s the problem?”
“l think you know what the problem is just as well as l do.”
“Squirrels in the plasma propulsion system?”
“Again.”
“Dammit.”
[Inventing the escalator]
Engineer: What if the stairs could eat you?
*gleefully prepares egg salad sandwiches for milestone birthday party of office nemesis*
Waitress: “Enjoy your meal”
Patron: “you too”Patron: ‘why did I say that?’
Waitress: [being force-fed the 6th plate of food of her shift]
Son told me “Make me a sandwich, woman” and now I have one child instead of two
When is a robot gonna take over my job? Please?
Lmao
Me: sometimes when a door closes there’s a window that opens
Car Repair Man: yeah I’ll definitely take a look at that
[Busy Diner]
Waitress carrying 4 plates: “OK now, honey. Who was eggs?”
Me (highly educated): “In a sense…” (scrunching up eyes to read her name badge) ”…Barbara. All of us were once eggs.”
I often say to myself, “I can’t believe my cloning machine worked!”
imagine after whispering your sins thru the confessional screen you hear a toilet flush