@blaha_Who

Whenever I get a midnight “Hey” dm from a woman on the weekend, I always reply

Maybe she’s inviting me to church or something fun like that

You Might Also Like

@Bob_Janke

Me: There’s a cold spot I think it’s a ghost

Her: You’re standing in front of the open refrigerator

Me: OUR REFRIGERATOR IS HAUNTED?!

@VisionBored1

We’ve had our first casualty of the virus in my house. RIP my husband’s beard. Please respect my privacy at this time.

@ronradu

Gave this artichoke the heimlich maneuver and now he’s artiokay.

@TheToddWilliams

ME: It’s quite interesting really. You see, “gym” comes from the greek “gymnós” meaning “naked”

YMCA ATTENDANT: Yeah, you’re going to need to put on some pants

@ArfMeasures

[1st date]
DATE: When I’m with a handsome man I get all nervous & involuntarily start speaking French
ME [leans across] Oh really?
DATE: Yes

@inmybox07

You might think I’m flirting, but really those faces are just me trying to get the peanut butter off the roof of my mouth

@BBQJones28

When someone favorites instead of retweeting me I comfort myself by thinking “they’re just keeping me to themselves”

@myles_morrison

Stages of beard length:
1.) sexy stubble
2.) sea captain beard
2.) prisoner of war beard
3.) homeless person beard
4.) wizard beard

@mattZillaaaa

[at my funeral]

So young, how did he die?

He ran into oncoming traffic after walking past a group of adults saying the word “bae”