@blaha_Who

Whenever I get a midnight “Hey” dm from a woman on the weekend, I always reply

Maybe she’s inviting me to church or something fun like that

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@zachreinert03

A friend asked if I thought there was alien life on other planets and I was like don’t give up hope, there’s someone out there for you

@tinatbh

Interviewer: So what do you have planned for the future?

Me: Lunch

Interviewer: No like long term.

Me: Oh…Dinner.

@VisionBored1

I am at my most old Italian man when I buy something that tastes awful from Costco but eat it all anyway because I paid good money for that and we don’t waste food in this house

@FunnyMojoJojo

I went to bed last night and my brother came out of the closet and scared the shit out of me, I forgot we were playing hide and seek…

@aspiringtoucan

BUT WHY THE HELL is it called BUG spray not disINSECTant

*Walmart worker who I have in a headlock in aisle 4* Sir please stop I don’t know

@__candypants

If you break up and get back together more than twice, I will not listen or care about your relationship problems you idiot.

@AshleyFrankly

Everyone says to marry your best friend but her husband gets all pissed off whenever I suggest it.

@iwearaonesie

wife: WHO LOADED THE DISHWASHER?
[cut to me sitting at a bus station waiting to start my new life]