A friend asked if I thought there was alien life on other planets and I was like don’t give up hope, there’s someone out there for you
Whenever I get a midnight “Hey” dm from a woman on the weekend, I always reply
Maybe she’s inviting me to church or something fun like that
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Interviewer: So what do you have planned for the future?
Interviewer: No like long term.
I am at my most old Italian man when I buy something that tastes awful from Costco but eat it all anyway because I paid good money for that and we don’t waste food in this house
I went to bed last night and my brother came out of the closet and scared the shit out of me, I forgot we were playing hide and seek…
*asks every guy at speed dating*
“Are you going to drink that?”
Him: I like a woman with a healthy appetite
Me (acing this date):
BUT WHY THE HELL is it called BUG spray not disINSECTant
*Walmart worker who I have in a headlock in aisle 4* Sir please stop I don’t know
If you break up and get back together more than twice, I will not listen or care about your relationship problems you idiot.
Everyone says to marry your best friend but her husband gets all pissed off whenever I suggest it.
wife: WHO LOADED THE DISHWASHER?
[cut to me sitting at a bus station waiting to start my new life]