Me: There’s a cold spot I think it’s a ghost
Her: You’re standing in front of the open refrigerator
Me: OUR REFRIGERATOR IS HAUNTED?!
Whenever I get a midnight “Hey” dm from a woman on the weekend, I always reply
Maybe she’s inviting me to church or something fun like that
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We’ve had our first casualty of the virus in my house. RIP my husband’s beard. Please respect my privacy at this time.
Gave this artichoke the heimlich maneuver and now he’s artiokay.
ME: It’s quite interesting really. You see, “gym” comes from the greek “gymnós” meaning “naked”
YMCA ATTENDANT: Yeah, you’re going to need to put on some pants
DATE: When I’m with a handsome man I get all nervous & involuntarily start speaking French
ME [leans across] Oh really?
You might think I’m flirting, but really those faces are just me trying to get the peanut butter off the roof of my mouth
When someone favorites instead of retweeting me I comfort myself by thinking “they’re just keeping me to themselves”
Stages of beard length:
1.) sexy stubble
2.) sea captain beard
2.) prisoner of war beard
3.) homeless person beard
4.) wizard beard
[at my funeral]
So young, how did he die?
He ran into oncoming traffic after walking past a group of adults saying the word “bae”
Wake Me Up Before You YOLO. #RuinAn80sSong