Whenever I get a midnight “Hey” dm from a woman on the weekend, I always reply
Maybe she’s inviting me to church or something fun like that
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Every parent who has picked up a toddler and taken them away from a playground while they kick and scream and cry is legally allowed to put “bouncer” on their resume’s work history.
How much more of this can I take?
* piles food on buffet plate *
Only resort to violence if necessary like you get the wrong pizza toppings.
My doorbell is the theme from “The Exorcist”.
If squirrels could talk, they’d have British accents.
Researcher: By 2030, life expectancy is predicted to increase globally by 6 years.
Southerner: [pouring mac and cheese into deep fryer] No.
40% of my vocabulary consists of words that I inventaciously creatified.
People will come in and out of your life. Make sure they’ve gotten the flu vaccine.
-inspirational tweet
The scariest moment in the world is when a 3yo looks at you and says CLOSE YOUR EYES AND OPEN YOUR MOUTH
This is amazing.
I literally never cry, so my body makes up for it by leaking out of different places. My doctor says it’s called “peeing” what a dumb idiot.
Just walked past a bin man struggling to get a wheelie bin to connect to the bin lorry. He said “come on, you silly sod” to the bin. Struck me as very British. We talk to inanimate objects like they’re frustrating mates. I called my oven hob a “bloody idiot” yesterday.
(praying for the first time in a long while and trying to be extra flattering to god): sweetheart,
The school had a plant sale and at pickup I heard the mom of a little girl with 2 small plants say “That’s all you got?? I gave you $60!”
We are all that mom.
If somebody stops to ask me directions, I give them directions to my house. see you in twenty minutes new best friend.
People don’t really care who you are until you lick their face
Maine is beautiful and calm.
Stephen King: Hold my balloon.
and then you go like this
and then you go like this
and then you go like this– me on my own cooking show
what idiot called it a best man instead of a lord of the rings
my internet boyfriend is cheating on me with my other internet boyfriend
Don’t let Pennywise sour you on the idea of hanging out in the sewers. I met some of my best friends hanging out in the sewers.
must be a load-bearing face plate. don’t want it coming loose.
[10:06pm]
13: Why is the ceiling in my room white? I feel like I’m staring into blankness when I’m in bed.
Me: Lay on your side and face the painted wall.
13: It sounds like you don’t care about my relaxing process and just want me to go to sleep.
People who say I’m hard to shop for obviously didn’t see how excited I just got finding an almond on the couch.
Pro: My 3yo knows a little bit of Spanish.
Con: It’s the lyrics from Despacito.
Okay YouTube, if I’m gonna watch a 20-minute video and you want to show me a 15-second ad, fine, I’ll wait.
But if I’m going to watch a 2-minute video, that ad better be no more than a single frame of someone shouting “PIZZA HUT!”
Cashier: “Sir, the toilet paper you’re buying goes on sale tomorrow.”
“COOL, I’LL CHECK WITH MY FAMILY TO SEE IF THEY CAN HOLD IT IN.”
I wouldn’t eat all of the Christmas cookies if my wife didn’t leave them out in the open, under the shirts on the top shelf in the back of the closet.
Airport: come like 3 hours early
Ok what gate do I go to
Airport: not telling until last minute 🤫
imagine marrying someone and then finding out they don’t want to name the dog after an italian cuisine and you have to take the children and Tiramisu and leave in the middle of the night