Whenever I get mad at my husband, I go unravel all of his extension cords.
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me: so, they’re called LEGO for one or LEGO no matter how many there are, and someone just arbitrarily decided LEGO would be singular and plural?
moose: I hear ya.
2 moose: preach.
An 8 year old just asked me why people in electric cars don’t get electrocuted when it rains and now we’re checking Google
11yo son just walked by.
If Axe was a drug, I’d be stoned right now.
my one cat vomited her dinner and then the other cat went in and started eating it
and that, my friends, is what chatgpt is to me
I AM NOT REALLY YELLING AT YOU I JUST GOT USED TO TALKING TO MY TEENAGER WHO ALWAYS HAS HEADPHONES IN
even bears disappoint their mothers
ME: What’s that on your wrist?
CO-WORKER: It’s a step tracker. It tells me how many steps I’ve taken throughout the day.
ME: Great! Do you like mine? *holds out arm*
CW: That’s just a regular watch.
ME: I know…it tells me how many hours I’ve got left until bedtime.
I remember when “Something’s eating up data.” meant that guy from Star Trek was deeply troubled.
Conversations with my pets:
Me: Please could you
Dog: OF COURSE!
Me: I haven’t said what it
Dog: I LOVE YOU!Me: Please could you
Cat: No.
“Don’t be a stranger,” I say, having already forgotten the name of the person I’m talking to.
If you watch the movie Twister backwards it’s the story of friendly tornados saving lives, rebuilding destroyed towns and playing with cows.
When we’re leaving a hotel room we check drawers we didn’t even use at least five times.
I wonder where the inventor of the drawing board took their failed ideas back to.
Mother in law just said global warming with air quotes. It’s going to be a long night.
*spreads rose petals on the bed*
[Death metal voice] “INTERCOURSE!”
Good night everyone except the demon who invented loud cookie packaging
My kids were very upset to learn that we are eating animals when we eat meat, so they’ve decided to stop.
Except for the animals that make bacon, chicken nuggets, and hamburgers.
I envy the women who can bite their bottom lip and look sexy. I do that and it’s a toss up between “does she need to go to the bathroom and is lost?” Or “is she getting that piece of corn out from her teeth?”
God: It’s time to speed up the apocalypse.
Angel: But people are basically good. Give them a chance!
God: The Baby Shark people just released a “Wash Your Hands” song.
Angel: Never mind, go ahead.
My beach vacation Google searches
[Checking into hotel]
WIFE: Please tell me you didn’t use your stupid alter ego name when book-
ME: Reservation for Troy Awesomesauce please
My son just came and asked me to help him with his history project and I really feel like he’s taking a BIG chance on me considering what happened when I tried to help him with his math homework. Here goes nothing.
Perfume is designed to be an invisible accessory.
It’s not designed to instantly kill the canary when you entered the room.
*Middle of dinner*
My kid: Can I have a snack?
me: if you string several jason statham movies together in a row you’ll discover that they’re just one long commercial for kicking.
the priest giving me communion: have you tried becoming a mormon?
Most people in horror movies would still be alive, if only those idiots had listened to the audience.
Goats will be chewing while looking at you like they have seen you somewhere.
*calls male escort service*
Whispers “How much for… you know… someone to go to Red Lobster with me.”
So there I was standing in an art gallery quietly appreciating the work when my ex noticed me at a display and decided to approach.
She said “I suppose you like this hideous monstrosity?”
And I said, “That’s a mirror”.
Which was nice.
A lot of people don’t realize that Shania Twain’s father, Mark, was actually a pretty good writer.