Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Aziz Ansari dancing in the video for “Otis” is me at every wedding I’ve ever been to.

Me: They were out of tampons, so I got you a box of bandaids instead.

Her:

Let’s just call a cruise ship that’s sailing exclusively for married couples what it really is…….a battleship

Coworker: Doing anything special this weekend?

Me: I’m going to get a scary Halloween costume for my puppy.

Coworker: But puppies are cute, you can’t possibly make them scary!

Me:

“What’s the deal with palm trees?”
What are you doing?
“You said do tropical humor”
Topical. I said topical.
“What’s the deal with ointment”

me: hey siri

siri: (long, deep sigh) what

*burglar breaks in*
*i reach into my nightstand drawer, get my phone, & take his picture*
Burglar: No I have a double chin!
Me: I’ll post it

“Bear with me”

-A Russian bear trainer

Guess when toothpaste was invented? 1892. Guess when kissing was invented? A DISGUSTINGLY LONG TIME BEFORE THAT.

holding an old, ratty phone charger cable at just the right angle so that the phone charges is this generation’s rabbit ear antennas for a TV

Worst ways to die

1. Burned alive
2. Suffocate
3. Die from frustration teaching your child to blow their nose

I disagree with liquor store hours. It’s 8am..let me in.

I’ve become obsessed with the idea that Jesus was a terrible guitarist but no one told him to stop because they were afraid of his dad.

“It’s your father; he’s been hitting the sauce pretty hard.”

*My father stumbles in with hollandaise in a highball glass* wassssssup!

[at daycare]

Me: I’m here to pick up my son

Daycare: what’s he look like?

Me: *points to my face*

D: oh. Ok

[making yellowjackets]
Angel: These things don’t really do anything other than sting people
God: We’re running out of college mascots

I bought a witch cauldron type-thingy today.

I dunno what compelled me to do it, but here I am, hovering over it with a dash of coriander.

The prophecy is fulfilled

[first date]
Me looking confused: “well you had cartoon bunny ears in your profile picture!”

I set my alarm for 3:30 am so I could get up and bark in my dog’s sleeping face. So starts the best day of my life…

Everyone’s been asking me how I would improve shoes. Here is my answer:

When your boss says “You need help”, he never means a hitman.

[Excavation for dino bones]
DIGGER: Sir, we found something BIG!
DOG PALEONTOLOGIST: *tail wags* Ok go for break [salivating] I’ll finish up

Me: I played this as a kid. It’s from back when video games made sense

6-year-old: Why did you jump on a turtle?

Me: Because I’m a plumber

“Oh I would do anything for cash,
But I won’t do that”

– my kids, Meat Loafing me when I ask them to do their chores

A black James Bond? Wouldn’t work. He’d be pulled over every 15 minutes for driving an Aston Martin.

The strangers on this cruise are getting really sick of me eavesdropping and interrupting with “I’m in the same boat.”

My scariest campfire story is about the time I held a flashlight under my chin to tell one and everybody started counting my whiskers…

Please hold so I can transfer you to a supervisor and accidentally hang up on you.

Google reviews are always so mixed..