Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*uses your voodoo doll as a tampon*

So…for no good reason a photoshop of a Bison and Sweetums, and probably something that will never be done again.

We were making out on the couch and She’s like “Let’s take this upstairs” I’m like “Ok you grab one side and I’ll grab the other!”

This is still funny.

My anxiety is so bad I keep thinking that I forgot to shut the garage door and I don’t even have a garage.

I bet the first mohawk was created by a guy trying to even out his sideburns.

HBO gave me unrealistic expectations about how many woman would be named Siobhan

Guy: you’ve been a bad girl.

Girl: yes baby, punish me.

Guy: OK. *burns all her shoes*.

Yes we left some guests inside the park last night. yes we’re going back for them. Calm down

Forget sex. Try to explain economy to a child

isaac newtown got hit in the head & invented calculus. i broke my nose last night when I was drunk & invented a louder version of crying.

“SAY IT.”
“I’m a dirty little plant.”
“And what do you want?”
“I want you to water me.”
“I’m gonna water you so hard.”
“That’s how I like it.”

Took my daughter to get preschool shots today. I know she’s a bit young for alcohol, but we had to celebrate this new chapter in her life.

Me: How dare you accuse me of being drunk last night !?

Wife: You were laughing all night at the TV – that wasn’t even turned on!

[1st date]

WAITER: and how would you like your steak, miss?

HER: definitely not wooden *winks across table*

DRACULA: *just glares at her*

Guac just sounds like someone died before they could say the whole word.

*hangs out at graveyard*

I like older men.

I think what my heartburn needs is some fried chicken

Sure I have empathy. I sense you want some of my coffee and I feel really terrible for you.

I told her, no I don’t want to go to the cleaners, you go do it!

–she did but she took my phone with her.

I don’t understand what you mean by ‘stop drinking so much’. How else will you know how much I love you at 2am every day?

Motorway in Britain: “Go 40mph for a bit”

You: “Why? What’s happened?”

Motorway: “Absolutely nothing”

According to my wife I’m the best at driving over every pothole when she has to pee.

Two hard boiled eggs I left on the table before going to wash hands?

I wish I was a better person

genie: kind of a low bar but ok

If my wife comes to bed nude it’s ON, but when it’s me at the end of the bed naked she’s all “what are you doin, we’re at Mattress City.”

doctor: i’m afraid you’re dying of asbestos poisoning.

me: 🙁

doctor: but we’ll treat you asbestos we can.

me: 😂

Me: Got any more of those debbled eggs?
Friend: Did you just say DEBBLED eggs?
Me: No, I said the right thing…

If you can name four Metallica songs, you are in Metallica.