Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*Bites werewolf*

Me: At every sunrise you will transform into middle management.

Werewolf: No!

Me: And you will go to bed at a reasonable time…EVERY NIGHT.

Ways to get me naked:

1. Be hot
2. Be funny
3. Be alcohol
4. Pretend to be my gynecologist

[Pompeii 79 AD]

me: wow can’t believe I’m finally a homeowner. Nothing could ruin this day.

“Subpar accommodations. One star.” – Oldest known TripAdvisor rating for Bethlehem.

Gave this artichoke the heimlich maneuver and now he’s artiokay.

My cat looks at me like “I would have been a god in ancient Egypt, I’ll have you know”.

i have one of these at work and when i get bored i plug it into the outlets

*checks watch*
*gets up off toilet*
I don’t have time for this shit

“I think I have Ebola.”

“JUST DO YOUR DAMN HOMEWORK!”

gender reveal party:
-boring
-only 2 outcomes
-too much socializing

father reveal party:
-exciting
-many outcomes
-party may end early

If you’re able to roll over in your grave, you should save that energy for yelling and digging.

Trying to figure out if this girl from high school and her husband got divorced. I’m incredibly busy

{abducted by aliens}
Hey guys…what’s your wi-fi password?

some people recharge in nature. some people recharge at the olive garden.

me: I can’t tell you how long I’ve been waiting

clock repairman: I’m doing my best

Picked my kid up from a playdate at a pristine home and the mom said “excuse the mess” so I guess that’s the end of that friendship

Feels like we probably could have put that groundhog’s psychic abilities to better use.

[3 days into dieting]

*sees ad for burger & fries*

*drowns in his own saliva*

{batman walking downstairs}

“Hmmm. Looks like Catwoman’s left me a present”

[the half-eaten corpse of Birdman lies lifeless on the carpet]

my dog: shlop, shlop

me: don’t drink too fast you’ll get sick

my dog: SHLOPSHLOPSHLOPSHLOP

My wife looks like the cats in those cucumber videos when she turns around & sees me naked.

Whenever I start to feel old, I just remind myself I’m still young enough to play a teenager on Beverly Hills 90210.

If, by chance, I ever overthrow a government in an English speaking country, my first act as new leader will be to un-silence the p in coup.

People who are complaining of shoveling driveways, haven’t you heard of moving?

I’m not a stupid person. I have a college degree. But I’ll never understand how a fan can collect so much dust when it’s constantly moving.

Me: Do you like children?

Him: Yes, I love them.

Me: Good, because I become a huge child when I drink.

Boss:my office, now!

Me:*to myself* dont be about Twitter dont be about Twitter

B:we’ve had a sexual harassment complaint

M:Oh thank God!

AMERICA:

Where someone will eventually figure out how to fry Vodka

Wife: There’s a spider in the kids’ bedroom
Me: I’ll take care of it
*raises spider like one of my own*
*has a little cry when it graduates*