Whenever I get up my cat gets up too and then yells at me like it’s my fault she decided we have to do this together
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Dear Kids,
“16 & Pregnant” is a TV show, not a Challenge…
Playdates were invented to force parents into cleaning their home.
Tried to challenge the guy in the stall next to me to a thumb war, now he’s holding my hand & crying about his childhood.
I need to wipe.
Me: *pushes chips forward* I’m all in.
Dealer: Sir, for the last time those are Doritos.
The brake is on the left, the gas peddle is on the right, & the liquor store is 4 miles ahead.
-Me teaching my 3yr old niece how to drive
I tried killing a spider with kindness, but found that a shoe was much more effective
I’m in a weird place in life because I’m not ready to get married, but I am ready to drag some cans behind my car
Kids insults are great. My youngest told my oldest “If your clothes were any tighter, you’d look like a wiener dog”
The only reason I’d want to go to heaven is to speak to the manager.
If you can’t be with the dog you love, pat the dog you’re with.
It was when he said no nunchucks in the kitchen that I knew our relationship was doomed
My god she’s good.
*watches man fall off of bridge on TV..
“Bartender, can you get me that drunk?”
triple bad room means you have to sleep with the owner’s grandma. who likes her feet rubbed. with butter.
You learn early in life not to play around in your mom’s purse. Especially things that look like a little can of silly string.
The mace stays in your lungs and eyes for life.
So embarrassing when you compliment a lady on her large belly and it turns out she’s just pregnant.
If you don’t stop holding those grudges they’re never going to learn to walk on their own.
Somebody should market a beer called “Occasionally”.
So when asked, I can say, “I only drink occasionally”.
I just misspelled a word so bad that auto correct blew milk out its nose.
Sorry I dropped you during the trust fall, I was going through your wallet.
So many great jazz musicians were hardcore drug addicts because they had to put up with listening to so much jazz music all the time.
Lost in the desert, you scan the horizon with your device. To the east, you see the leaning tower of Pisa. To the west, you see the familiar pillars of Stonehenge. That’s when you realize you should have brought binoculars instead of a Viewmaster.
*sitting in the dark at the kitchen table waiting for my wife*
Hello Karen. Maybe you’d like to tell me who used all my essential oils
Thought it was funny when my 2yo was walking around saying “where are my keys!?” like his dad but now he’s saying “where’s my purse?!” and he’s gone too far.
I bet when Kanye was little he played tag by himself, then argued with himself on whether he was tagged or not.
Buzzfeed will be the death of journalism intellect.
[first day as a sports announcer]
*clears throat*
*taps mic twice*
Me: sprots
Top uses for Golf Balls:
1. Describing hail storms
2. Describing tumors
3. Playing golf
Please stop calling a picture of a grilled cheese sandwich “food porn”.
My favorite part of The Nun Is when the priest goes “You’re gonna need a bigger nun.”