Whenever I go down the stairs next to an escalator, I always move faster than the escalator to prove to the people I made the better decision
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like how’d Scar’s mom know he was going to get a scar one day?
Me: oil change plz
Toyota: it’ll be $39
Me: cool heres my $2 off coupon4 hrs later
T: ur steering wheel fell off total is $2900 sign here
It’s only a problem if others know about it….
*Sweeps problems under rug*
“Daddy, what happens when we die?”
“You get married and have kids”
Cop: we have you surrounded! Get down on the ground now!
Cardboard Man: sigh not again
*cops start breakdancing*
Massaging the shoulders of the person in front of you at the Redbox machine will usually help them make up their mind faster.
Remember to set your wireless bra to ‘airplane mode’ before take off.
Old Hollywood bloopers are a thing of beauty.
[JOB INTERVIEW]
{Don’t let them know you’re a tectonic plate}
“What would you say is your biggest fault?”
San Andreas?
apart from It’s ok
what other death threats
do women use?
Me: *giving myself a little pep-talk to remind myself I’m doing my best*
Everyone Behind Me on the Fire Escape: *not really super supportive*
I have a question and my question is, how can I look so cute in the mirror but like such a baked potato in pictures?
My personal favorite unit of measurement is whether or not something is considered “a big whoop”
*pronounces GIF like graphics interchange format*
“You know what? I’ll just wait for the next Uber. Thanks.”
9: Why do some British people drop the t’s in their accents?
Me: Cause they have different accents from different parts of England.
9: No it’s cause they drank all the teas!
Melons are like: You have no way of knowing how I am on the inside. Take me home, honey. Buy me
Stop everything. Everybody shut up
There’s a spider on my ceiling. His name is Alec and where does he think he’s going oh no
I don’t expect everything handed to me, just set it down outside my door.
It’s a proud parenting moment seeing your kid throw away their own trash. You may also solve the mystery of the missing silverware.
The Fast & The Furious 10: Now They All Work At AutoZone Together
I’m never sure what to do with my hands while I’m holding up a convenience store.
Dad, why do we celebrate 4th of July?
Well son, it celebrates our defeating the aliens that blew up the White House after Will Smith attac
Cutest thing I saw was the dad angrily slamming the sliding door of his minivan but it slowed down by itself and latched silently and then it was just kind of sad.
Do not worry.
I will take your secrets to my grave.
But, oh, how crowded it will be in the coffin.
SEXY POTATO: Hey buddy, my eyes are up here, and over here, and down here, and around here and
If I see someone stumble, catch themselves, & madly start looking about to see if anyone saw, I always make sure I make direct eye contact.
defendant: *into mic* um can I say something?
defense attorney: NO!
judge: NO!
ghost of dead lawyer: NO!
random stranger: NO!
defendant’s family in courtroom: NO!
prosecutor: YES!!
My husband kidnapped me for a romantic weekend away. Now I’m just lying here wondering when I’m getting out of the trunk.
I see in your bio you’re divorced and play the bagpipes. I’m going to venture a guess as to why you’re divorced