Whenever I go down the stairs next to an escalator, I always move faster than the escalator to prove to the people I made the better decision
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Way back when, I thought technology would look more like flying cars and less like me yelling “The laptop’s not a touch screen,” at my kids.
If your name is Marco and you were in the dentist office waiting room this morning, just wanted to apologize for my three teenage daughters yelling, ‘Polo’ in unison after they called your name.
Nobody tell my Fitbit that today’s steps are coming from inside the casino.
Her: Whats that mouth do boo?
Me: Probably say something stupid.
[carnival]
ME: How do I win?
CARNIE: Just knock all the bottles off the table
ME: Ok *pulling out my cat*
CARNIE: Oh shi-
Receptionist: The doctor will see you now.
Me: *applying camouflage paint* I very much doubt that.
[at a dinner party]
Me: hey can I get a picture of the table?
Everyone: *leans in, faces me, smiles*
Me: you’re all blocking the table
*accidentally grabs a fork from the silverware drawer instead of a spoon but I’m too lazy to go back so it takes me 47 min. to eat my soup*
The next time someone does one of those ‘write a 3 word horror story’ competitions, I’m going to enter this picture.
[picking her up for a date]
ME: you should know that i have a baby from another marriage
HER: really?
ME: yes, but the parents haven’t realized it yet so we gotta hurry, get in
Nurse: You need to eat or you can’t have your pain meds.
Me: Do the thing.
Nurse:
Me:
Nurse: *holding fork*
[sigh]*makes airplane noise*
Looking back to my days as a teacher, the best part was always summer.
[my future self comes back in time]
HIM: here’s every sports score for the next 20 years
ME: great, thanks for ruining the games for me
Caught myself talking to my dog and felt pretty dumb.
I totally forgot that I’m pissed at him for forgetting my birthday.
Since I’m not a doctor, my Indian mom is rage thanking the medical professionals
CO-WORKER: Hey, I overheard you talking about followers or something. You on Twitter?
ME *sweating*: Uh, I’m in a cult
Me: I would like to eat a boiled mermaid
Waiter: sir I don’t think you underst-
Me: the bottom half
Waiter: very good, sir
Nothing makes me turn on country music and sit up straight faster than a cop driving behind me.
New Year, New Me
New Me [looking around]: absolutely not
People who prefer ketchup over mustard are annoying because as soon as you say you like mustard, they go on and on about how much they hate it. Like, okay. You have the same flavor palette you had when you were 5 but that doesn’t mean you should insult what I put in my coffee.
[job interview]
“What’s your biggest weakness?”
“My honesty”
“I don’t think-”
“I broke into ur house and made love to ur cat last night”
My teenage son says that fanny packs are back in style at his high school. I HAVE BEEN WAITING FOR THIS MOMENT MY ENTIRE LIFE!
I’m so sick of unexpected character deaths for shock value. This is a terrible pilates video.
My husband ate the rice I cooked for our new puppy and long story short his bags are packed.
Horoscopes signs should sound cool like asparagus, chevrolet and Dan
my immune system told me it’s a lover not a fighter
Listen, I didn’t even want this piece of pre-workout pizza, but athletes have to make sacrifices.
Why is he not as excited to meet me? 🙁
