Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Ever been in the middle of writing a great tweet and think, did I just run someone over?

I just built an entire table backwards if anyone was curious what kind of idiot thinks they’re too smart for the instructions

[guy at party who’s embarrassed that he’s allergic to cats] how funny would it be if we snorted a line of Zyrtec hahah

i think only bears should have the right to bear arms

Don’t make a mountain out of a molehill
Do it with mashed potatoes, then play keyboard for the aliens

… I think my cough medicine expired

They should have made a pool raft that looked like a broken door when Titanic was in theaters.

I bet it would have sold millions.

I’m not a religious person but I do call my water bottle Jesus because its contents magically turn to wine at any of my kids sporting events.

When I was a kid I would say I’m whatever age and a half because I wanted to be older.

Now I say I turned 40 a few years ago.

can’t wait for 65 million years after we’re extinct and whatever race is in charge makes human-shaped chicken nuggets

Due to a gypsy curse, I gain weight each time I consume more calories than are burned by my basal metabolic rate plus daily activities.

Because everyone in Italy is quarantined, the natural wildlife has returned to the water and forests ❤️ We are the virus

If she says “so just what exactly is THAT supposed to mean”… you’re gonna have a bad time.

john wicks are toilet candles

Women’s Magazines:

Pg 1. You’re beautiful and perfect just the way you are
Pg 2. How to lose 20kg in 10 days.

My daughter just asked “if you’re waiting for the waiter, doesn’t that make you the waiter?”

Me:……….

Back in my day we had another word for selfie sticks, we called them friends.

Precious was concerned about how long it was taking to make a snack choice.

Me: You haven’t fought with your sister in two whole days.

10yo: I know. We should send her to camp more often.

H: Want to go to Lowe’s with me?

M: Can I wear my tiara?

H: I’d rather you not

M: Then no thanks

[husband leaves]

M: *whispers* works every time

If you think I’m flirting with you, I’m just being friendly. If you think I’m weird and I make you uncomfortable, I’m flirting with you.

My husband texted me from work to ask if our son’s cough was wet or dry and I was like whoa whoa whoa, there’s only room for one fake doctor in this family

[first day as a barista]

ME: large coffee ready for a *squints to read* nice hole

NICHOLE: oh come on

Welcome to Hypochondriac Club. First- oh, Kim looks a bit pale. Kim you shouldn’t have come if you’re sick. Now I feel pale do I look pale

Whoever put the ‘b’ in subtle was a clever bastard.

Accidentally turned my clocks back too far and ended up at a Wham concert.

My wife was cross when my 2yo broke a Chinese spoon this morning & I said it was “just Wonton destruction” & honestly it did not go down at all well.
This is why I need you lot, x

Daughter just wandered in after being put to bed and I hid the ice cream I was eating like it was a joint.

Sometimes the last thing people hear before they’re murdered is the sound of their pen that they won’t stop clicking.

We DNA tested our dog and it turns out he killed a guy in Toledo in ‘79

my uber driver sat in silence for 10 minutes, then put on exactly one maroon 5 song, then turned it off and we’re sitting in silence again. this is the most complicated relationship I’ve ever been in