Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Ha ha, I love it when brands do sassy clapbacks to each other

I’m a highly motivated procrastinator.

How to eat French fries:
1) Eat all the good ones.
2) Leave the yucky ones and feel superior.
3) Wait 5 minutes.
4) Eat all the yucky ones.

Busting out of a grave like a zombie but I just have to pee real bad.

Ticketmaster: $55 per ticket
Me: ok I’ll take 2
Ticketmaster: ok that will be $400

Me: WOW. Look at those legs!
Her: Thank you.
M: They’d look great around my neck!
H: Hey!
M: Wish I’d brought my saw.
H: WHAT?!?
M: Nothing.

True embarrassment lies within your first email address

A laugh track, but for every time my boss says “I need this done today.”

My toddler has lost the eyes from her Mr Potato head toy and I’m pretty sure it was on purpose so he can’t see how shit 2020 is

What’s your zodiac sign? I’m a banjo wizard.

I hate when the cashier ask me ” You doing alright today ” when I’m buying a 6-pack of beer with change.

[milking a cow]
Cow: ooh, harder, daddy, harder
Farmer: what?
Cow: I mean – moo

There’s nothing my kid can’t do. Except anything I tell him.

I’m as useless as the top two buttons on a Greek mans dress shirt.

*I sit bolt upright in bed, drenched in sweat*

HER: Did you have the zombie nightmare again?

ME: (thinking about the time everybody sang ‘happy birthday’ to me and I accidentally joined in) Yes

Before I got an iPhone all I heard from my husband was how “intuitive” their products were. And I couldn’t help wishing they made spouses.

[invention of croutons]
Let me put a few bread rocks on top of your salad. Trust me, people in neighboring cities will hear you eating this.

*professes my undying love to my microwave*

*microwave sets itself on fire*

[Seahawks locker room]
Coach: okay if we want to win we will need to have a bigger number for the score!
Wilson: well put! Well put!

She blinded me with science. Fine, it was mace, but she sprayed it very scientifically.

I love October. When else do say things like I’ll take a caramel apple & one ticket to be chased through a farmhouse with a butcher knife please.

Just because I am an Italian American doesn’t mean my family is in the mob….

It means we used to be.

Wife: *Gives me her password to log into one of her accounts*

Me: Nice work with picking a random password.

Wife: It’s our anniversary.

Then it should stop looking so damn comfortable

Since joining twitter I’ve started 2 new collections ………. Dust and cobwebs !

The key to house hunting is knowing that the house is more afraid of you than you are of it.

*lint rolls you awake*

The Bachelor is like “Meet Savannah from Brooklyn, Madison from Savannah, Brooklyn from Madison”

4 out of 5 dentists now say eat all the candy you want. 4 out of 5 dentists also want to upgrade their yachts.