Whenever I go grocery shopping I make sure I’m stuck behind the people who have never seen food on shelves before.
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What a kind woman! 😂😂
Me: But the sign says ‘no shirt, no shoes, no service’
Clerk: Pants are implied
If I’m facing away from you during sex, assume I’m quietly enjoying a snack.
COP: Freeze!!!
EXCEL: LOL no problem
I hate when people say “I’d give up my first born child for that.”
If you really want to entice me, offer to raise one of mine.
[at punchbowl]
Me: You go ahead.
Lady: No, I insist.
Me: Together, then?
*we both pour vodka from our purses in*
One minute without you feels like 60 seconds.
Gym membership: $1180 a year
Trainer: $45 a session
Workout clothes: $400
Nutritionist: $150 per consultation
Healthy food: $450 a monthFunhouse mirror that makes me look skinny: $29.99
Middle children as adults still trying to get attention because the oldest is being dramatic and the younger child is getting away with everything.
My co-worker was accused of flipping off the boss. I told HR that it couldn’t have been him because he never lifts a finger to do anything.
My Husband objected to a question I asked in court and we are on the same side if you wanted to know how fun it is to work with your spouse.
I don’t know who needs to hear this but if you have a flock of sheep that’s having trouble with foxes/dogs get an alpaca. The alpaca will happy join the flock as a ‘long sheep’ and will kick the shit out of anyone who messes with its gang.
Source: grew up on a farm.
Him: I’m drowning in bills
Me: You should sign up for paperless
We’re just two people shitting in side by side stalls waiting for the other person to go out so we don’t have to show our face
Are you questioning my vocabulary skills, pal? Cause you are gonna get punched right in the plethora
GOD: That’s the last of the animals. Now add warning colors to the poison ones
ANGEL: Will do
GOD: But not all of them, keep some surprises
me: hm what could I add to this bath to relax and forget everything?
my brain: a hairdryer.
Could reporters stop asking if political leaders “believe” in climate change and start asking if they understand it instead
Asked for Cheez-its
Wife buys Cheese Nips
Now she’s sitting in the corner thinking about what she did.
I’m not doing the london marathon today but I reckon if I start training now and eat more healthily, next year I should be able to watch a whole one.
I don’t like who I become when an online form expires in the middle of me filling it out.
When I die, please put my dead body on a roller coaster but don’t buckle me in
Holy shit, remember rhymes with September. If no one thought about putting that in a song, I’m gonna be rich.
My DNA came back saying I come from a wide selection of cheeses.
I miss the days where someone would tell us shit like “Mick Jagger is Kesha’s dad” and we’d all just believe it for months because it didn’t matter if it was true or not
INTERVIEWER: What do you see as your biggest weakness?
ME:
INTERVIEWER:
ME:
MY MOTHER: He’s not good at speaking up for himself
6yo: *sneezes*
Me: Bless you.
6yo: You’re the best mommy in the whole world!
Me: We may need to work on raising your standards if that’s your definition of “best.”
Cute waiter: Hi, what can I get for you?
Me: *accidentally barks*
I eat the fries that are loose at the bottom of the bag first. That’s what they get for trying to escape.
I gave this homeless guy $5 and an old lady behind me told me he’s just going to use it for drugs, so I confronted him and asked where I could also get drugs for $5