Whenever I go to a restaurant without my kids, I feel like something is missing…
DOES ANYONE NEED THEIR TUSHY WIPED?!
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Wife: Your problem is your incompetence
Me: I can hold my pee just fine
I’m never leaving this app.
If I was being attacked by a shark, I would simply remind it that sharks actually don’t have a taste for human flesh and are only perceived as bloodthirsty man-eaters due to wildly inaccurate portrayals in big-budget films like Jaws and Deep Blue Sea.
My report card always said I was not living up to my full potential. Well, the joke’s on them. That really was as good as I was going to get
[2 years after going missing at zoo]
wife: [points at TV] “omg thats him”
me: [on the news inside kangaroos pouch] “why is noone helping me”
Technically every mocking reply to a crypto bro is an NFT, because it’s a digital record of them being owned
“ I got more tattoos than I do friends”
That’s saying a lot since I only have one tattoo.
You ever drive around with an old person who knows where everything didn’t used to be?
My pronouns are she/her and my adjectives are problematic/overwhelmed
WHAT DO WE WANT?!
Follow-up questions!WHEN DO WE WANT IT?
OH HELL YEAH THAT’S THE STUFF
Every pillow in the house becomes a throw pillow when my kids piss me off.
Wanna feel old? Helium formed for the first time 13.8 billions years ago.
My son would never be living in my basement as an adult. He’s smart, ambitious, hard-working, but most of all, he knows the WiFi down there sucks.
good prank: sneak into someone’s house every night over a year and replace thier toilet with a slightly larger one until it fills tthe room
Where do storm troopers sit when they go to church?
In a pewpewpew
If u luv sumthin set it free
*releases 2yr old into the wild*
Good luck son
*sobbing*
STOP FOLLOWING ME! GO ON,GET OUT OF HERE
*throws rocks
Why is everyone worried about meteors instead of the possibility that Russia just got their own Superman?
I had to cut my own toenails. This pandemic is bullshit.
Found a cookie and a missing sock when I took her bra off
Chef: I like it when the roast beef falls apart.
Roast beef: *starts talking about its ex-boyfriend*
ME: wat if they dont like me
MOM: just be urself
ME: ok!
[comes home early in a masive cloud of bees]
ME: WAIT DID U SAY “BEE URSELF” OR “BE
I told my daughter to check her attitude and she looks at me and said “For complaints about attitude please contact the manufacturer.”
Well played, well played!
I’m totally winning this weight watchers thing! I’ve eaten more points than everyone!!!
I hope I’m doing this right…
Wolfman: *Drinks a Coors Light* Noooooo!
Me: OMG you’re dying because Coors Light is called The Silver Bullet?
Wolfman: No this beer is just gross.
I refuse to order in Starbucks lingo. I just order small or medium, and watch everyone hyperventilate.
Condensed milk is from dwarf cows
To whomever keeps trying to access my Microsoft Office account:
Bro, I don’t even wanna be in there.
Ran into the librarian I’ve been trying to impress in the Target book section and awkwardly blurted out “I’m just here to buy a TV,” which was way worse of course.
Parents please check your children’s Halloween candy this year, I just found a Godzilla in a candy bar and this is just so dangerous.