Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[tucking a hotdog behind my ear] I’m off for my run, babe. See you later.

When a possum plays dead he’s “smart” and “instinctual” but when I do it, it’s all “what’s wrong with you” and “crime scene investigators are at the door.”

Mom 1: My son’s gonna be a pro baseball player

Mom 2: Mines gonna be a doctor

Me: My son shows strong signs of being able to escape prison

Remember kids, when you get assigned the special kinda illegal project at work – it’s not because you’re on the inner circle – it’s because you’re the expendable fall guy weakling who will misinterpret inclusion to illicit conspiracy as the illusion of respect you crave.

I wish I’d gotten my affairs in order before I bit into this hot pepper.

What if you’re only given pork to eat in the afterlife? Would that be eternal hamnation?

There should be a Mad Max movie that reveals the world outside Australia has actually remained pretty normal

How to open a letter:

1. Carefully remove seal
2. Slide your finger unde–okay the seal is back GET THAT SEAL OUT OF THE ROOM NO SEALS ALLO

I’m a yapper
I’m a napper
I’m a midnight snacker

A shocking amount of parenthood is knowing which kid you’ll need to keep out of jail.

I’m forbidding the twelve people who regularly star my tweets to ever fly in an airplane together.

*eats a bag of chips*
*eats 2 baked potatoes*
*eats a plate of fries*
*eats a plate of mashed potatoes*

Being a vegetarian is easy!

I’m sorry I joined the zoom with my flames of hell background

My new years resolution is to stop biting my toenails. Nervous habit I picked up during all these meetings at work.

Me: It’s not often that a single guy like me gets a home cooked meal.

Her: Why don’t you get married?

Me: I’ve never been that hungry.

i bring a card table with me where I go for thanksgiving in case the host’s furniture is too heavy to flip

*arriving home as my house burns down*

Firefighter: I’m sorry ma’am. Your boyfriend didn’t make it.

Me: I know. It was built in the 80’s.

Nothing makes me get up faster than my 6yo walking by me with a bottle of Elmer’s glue.

ME: truth or dare

PRIEST: just take the communion

Drug dealers are always late. If your drug dealer is on time, it’s the police.

I hate saying “I told you so” so I’m just going to spray-paint it on your car.

Me: Why does the neighbor always watch me while I’m gardening?

Her: He’s a paramedic.

Ok… so wireless bra’s don’t have any internet connectivity, we all make mistakes, can we just move on now.

him: Hey what’s the name of the guy who lives two houses down?

me: his dogs names are Walter and Rose

him: that’s not what I asked

me: that is the information I have

me: my doctor said to replace oil with applesauce to be healthier

mechanic: [looking at my car’s smoking engine] i think he just meant in food

If you watch Intervention backwards, it’s about a person partying hard after an awful family reunion.

After just 1 hour of watching grandkids, my Fitbit called 911.

I like to play 20 Questions with my kids but I always ask the questions and every question is “Will you please stop that?”

wife: Why would you bring a dog to an interview?
me: Why wouldn’t you bring a dog to an interview?

i usually decompose after work rather than decompress