Whenever I go to Subway, when they ask if I would like my sandwich toasted, I say yes & then I raise my cup of Coke & say, “To my sandwich!”
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[fans out the deck]
Pick a card, any card..
Memorize it..
[hits you in the face with a shovel]
KING OF SPADES!
[walks off]
DAD: All I want you to do is get some water. This is the simplest task I can possibly imagine. Promise me you won’t bungle this.
JACK AND JILL: We’re on it.
The babysitter allowed our 4 year old to design 11 Boeing airliners today
A few summers ago I stopped at some kids’ lemonade stand. As I took a sip, the youngest boy stuck his whole arm in the pitcher and stirred.
I did nothing wrong—I tried to do nothing and did it wrong.
Holy shit, there are some disgusting perverts on here… but enough about me.
Occupational therapist: What is your favorite part of the newspaper?
Son: The end.
Breaking: New torture report reveals CIA use of Facebook Year In Review videos.
I never knew how fast I could write until the teacher said pencils down.
Old timey ghosts are boring. I want to be haunted by a valley girl with giant hoop earrings.
Man buns are just the beginning, next thing you know it’ll be ok for men to have anything on their heads, like a goat or a small child
[birth of Jesus]
First Wise Man: Here is some frankincense
Second Wise Man: Got you some myrrh
Third Wise Man: This is gold
First Two Wise Men: Hey, we agreed on a spending limit
I have a migraine and my stomach hurts. A fast food burger and fries should help.
*just after death, I head toward a bright light*
ME: Jfc, do you have a dark mode?
JESUS: *sends me straight to hell*
ME: NoOoOoTtt liiiiiiiiiiiiKe
T
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a
a
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Last night my son got sick, so he went to his room to lay down. Could barely move and he looked horrible.
Half an hour later the ice cream truck comes down the street and guess who RAN to the door begging for ice cream 😂
Me: These eye makeup remover pads are amazing.
Mom: Those are medicated hemorrhoidal pads.
WIFE: How do you feel about Hawaiian pizza?
ME, sipping my pineapple spice latte: I think you know
You’re only as old as the sounds you make when you get out of the car
I dreamed I won $10 million on a slot machine so you can imagine how thrilled I was to wake up and get ready for work.
WIFE: What are you doing?
ME: IT’S NOT WHAT IT LOOKS LIKE
WIFE: You’re giving the dog a manicure?
ME: No, technically this is a pedicure.
JESUS: And lo, I have fed 5000 of you with 5 fishes and 2 loaves
“AMAZING!”
“A MIRACLE!”
ME: *slowly raises hand* So do we get dessert or
I asked the Librarian if she had any books about Paranoia?
She leaned over and whispered “they’re right behind you … ”.
When grocery shopping, I only buy foods that can also be used as a weapon. Cantaloupe is a good example of this.
What do you mean you no longer like one of the five foods you actually eat: a parenting memoir
Him: i like a girl who’s not afraid to take charge
Me, a rhinoceros: nice
a rare painting of a porcu’melon
A legal holiday weekend implies the existence of an illegal holiday weekend
I’ve been meaning to give my car a thorough cleaning, so I think I’ll leave a bottle of hand sanitizer on the dash and tempt fate.
My teenage son says that fanny packs are back in style at his high school. I HAVE BEEN WAITING FOR THIS MOMENT MY ENTIRE LIFE!
[principal’s office]
“Your child’s previous school indicates you’re a bit of a helicopter parent.”
Velociraptor: That’s got to be a typo.