Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Jesus: *picks up bread* this is my body
Jesus: *picks up wine* this is my blood
Jesus: *picks up eggplant* i think we allll know what this is lol yea

My financial situation is so bad, I’M being sponsored by a child in Africa

I’m not saying I’m getting fat, but my dirty talk in bed is mostly just recipes for pies.

Are dinosaurs finished evolving into birds yet? Or will they become even birdier?

*in court*

judge [belches]: pardon

me: thank you!

You’re right. My money don’t jiggle jiggle. That’s the folds of my dad bod. Yea. They wiggle wiggle too.

I’ve reached the age and the weight where, when it comes to a fight or flight scenario, flight is not an option.

Bored? Sneak a dog into the movies and loudly explain the plot to the dog

HR gave me some amazing advice for dealing with stress. It really works. To release anger, just write letters to the people you hate then burn them. Not sure what you do with the letters though.

In zoom meetings I try to sit as still as possible so that people think my connection is bad and don’t call on me

Me: Put on your seatbelt.

13: Do I have to?

Me: not if you want your face shattering the windshield

13: cool

Me: PUT ON YOUR SEATBELT!

dude killed a sea lion with his bike

My employer & colleagues all believe I am hard of hearing. I’m not. But it gets me out of having to engage in frivolous conversations & taking part in pointless hour-long meetings that could have been condensed into a 2 minute email. I get so much more work done as a “deaf” guy.

The one upside to triplets is that you finally have enough babies to juggle

I eat all 8 spiders in January so i don’t have to eat any for the rest of the year.

Her: *leaving seductively, slowly dragging fingertip across countertop*

Mgr: What’d she want?

Me: nothing.

Mgr: Where’re all the donuts?

I have a pet termite named Clint.
Clint eats wood…
I’m sorry I’m sorry

Customize Your Wedding.

I’m not sure if I like my wife’s new boyfriend.

I wish I had the confidence of my son who just ate 3 sushi rolls before his 2 hour baseball practice.

*at my funeral*
Friend crying over my casket: look they’re burying her in her favorite dress
Me, still dead: it haaasss pockets

Condom commercials shouldn’t make sex look fun, they should make parenting look terrible

K1: Frankincence
K2: Myrrh
K3: Gold
K1 & K2: WHAT?
K3: Gold
K1: We said £20 each!
K3: I..
K1: I hate you
K3: Wrap it from all of us?

[sinking ship]
CAPTAIN: dammit
RAT: i’m leaving
CAPTAIN: i’m staying
CAPTAIN’S GOLDFISH: [in fishbowl] i’m excited to see how this plays out

When you forgot you made garlic sauce with the sour cream, and then proceed to bake banana bread.

Anyone want some garlic banana bread?

My neighbours claim to be huge Disney fans but called the cops when I mowed the lawn Winnie the Pooh style

How did human beings express empathy before the phrase “that sucks” was coined?

I took down my front door because I got sick of having to kick it down every time I come home with a handful of groceries and my keys are in my pocket.

This is the part of the job I really hate [goes to work]