Whenever I go to Subway, when they ask if I would like my sandwich toasted, I say yes & then I raise my cup of Coke & say, “To my sandwich!”
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My next door neighbor has been knocking on my front door for hours.
Does she really think I am going to let her leave?
I napped the entire afternoon away.
I still feel like garbage but at least I’m well-rested garbage.
therapist: describe this picture
me: that’s my father yelling at me
therapist: and this one
me: you having sex with my wife
therapist: and this one
me: aren’t these normally ink blots
Who called it heckling a cow and not roast beef?
Girl on Facebook
Heyy i have not seen u since high school.
Me. It’s been a while.
Her. Yea been married 6 years now : )
Me. Unfriend
I’ve never had a problem stepping up to the plate.
We’re talking about food, right?
My dad caught me smoking meat once and forced me to smoke an entire pack of pork chops. Now I run a successful butcher shop, thanks Dad.
Kylo Ren: I am your father.
Rey: We’re roughly the same age. You’re just copying everything Vader said.
Kylo Ren: NOOOOOOOOOOO!!!
THERAPIST: what’s wrong?
WIFE: he always narrates real life-
ME: she complained
WIFE: see!
ME: she exclaimed
WIFE:
ME: she was speechless
*Godzilla smashing Tokyo & eating people. After destroying an asylum he suddenly dies*
60s cop1: what happened
60s cop2: haha nut allergy
A Roomba that moans when it picks up trash.
A sheep walks into a bar. Lots more sheep follow, the barman counts them and falls asleep, the sheep help themselves to free drinks. Genius.
CLERK: That’ll be 95 cents.
ME: Here’s a dollar.
CLERK: Nickel back?
ME: God, no.
[talking loudly on my phone trying to distract the security guard during bank robbery] no no. dunston checks in is about the monkey. jaws is about the shark
Aww. This is sooo cute. My 12 pet shrimps have taken their shells off and are drinking from a bowl of cocktail sauOH MY GOD WHO DID THIS!?
My friend was complaining that when her husband gets dressed, he does sock, shoe, sock, shoe. What a weirdo! Everyone knows it’s sock, sock, shoe, shoe, pants.
*runs into a burning building to save the fire*
12: My favorite band is Green Day
Grandpa: Who the hell is green dog?
Me: Clifford’s cousin
everything i’ve learned about megan fox and machine gun kelly has been against my will
Valentine’s Day in a cardiac surgeon’s house
Wife opening cooler: this had better be chocolates
As a rule, if the number of genders allowed to drive in your country is less than two, you live in an awful country.
Last night my dog got busted taking a cat poo out of the litter tray and relocating it to the living room carpet and let me just say a LOT of things are now making sense. Got to commend the lad on his long game here.
Cupcakes are amazing, because holding a full size cake up to your face isn’t socially acceptable for some reason.
If another mom leaves her kids with her husband to meet you out somewhere and you bring your toddler, that is considered an act of war.
Someone just un-complimented my skort after I told them it came from Walmart. I didn’t even know that was something you could do.
DOG: Then he said “Who’s a good boy?”
DOG THERAPIST: *nodding* You are of course
DOG: *wagging tail* I KNOW BUT WHY DOES HE KEEP ASKING?
You let a man into your life and now you’re irritated before 9 am
If you start your emails with “Greetings” let me be the first to welcome you to Earth.