Whenever I have a panic attack, I put a brown paper bag over my mouth…and drink all the vodka inside.
It seems to help
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Was decorating the front yard last night and one of the neighborhood kids tried to deflate me.
People who don’t follow you but comment on tweets with ridiculously stupid opinions are just hecklers with all the charm of a pedophile.
Somehow, going into The Dollar Store and asking for a price check just never gets old.
Pretty rude of this cop to pull me over while I’m trying to change my pinned tweet
She promised to teach me wax on, wax off. Only now my chest is bare, I’m frightened of candles, and pretty sure I still don’t know karate.
If I had a dollar for every time I messed something up at work, I’d be salaried and at my current level of compensation
I’m perfectly fine with kissing frogs to find a prince…But I draw the line at kissing snakes.
[sneeze one]
Bless you
[sneeze two]
Bless you
[sneeze three]
You are under arrest
ME: I’m being haunted by my Grandma.
GRANDMA: For the last time, I’m not dead! You drove me here.
ME: DID YOU HEAR THAT?
PARANORMAL INVESTIGATOR: *frightened* I think I can even see her!!!
I can’t get out of bed, my Fitbit is charging and my steps won’t count
Me: I think I’ll go for a run
⠀
My back: oh no, I can’t handle this
⠀
My brain: WHAT THE HELL ARE WE DOING?
⠀
My heart: Nope. I am not okay with this.
⠀
My lungs: I got this guys! *completely stop working*
comic about CROWDSURFIN #hiveworks
It’s my son’s birthday this week; so we’ve been doing whatever he wants since he was born.
I think the first person to see a pug was like wait why is that sweet potato snorting?
Say it with flowers.
If that doesn’t work, say it with arson.
Reasons to bake a cake after the kids go to bed:
1. To surprise them with it.
2. So they never know you ate an entire cake without sharing.
Imagine having a day like Jim Carrey in Liar Liar where you’re incapable of lying. I bet you’d all stay off Twitter for the day?
What sort of tape measure does the guy from The Guinness Book of Records use to measure the worlds longest tape measure?
*buys 8 first class tickets, fills all of them with infants and toddlers*
Me, from way back in coach: *cups hands* SUCK IT RICH PEOPLE
Daughter: I drew a picture of you
Me: where’s my big muscles?
Daughter: *looks at me up and down* good question
Cop *knocking on door* open up it’s the police!
Me: it’s ok, I haven’t done any crimes
Cop: The fashion police
Me *kicking my crocs off* shit
Baby ducks are “ducklings”, baby pigs are “piglets”, and baby humans are “annoying.”
my ball rolled under the couch. and i cannot reach it. the human has been informed of the issue. and reminded. that my problems. are their problems
I mainly get my exercise by awkwardly running to doors when people hold them open for me
Every morning when I get home. I thank my cats for allowing me to live in their house.
BANK TELLER: you’re an awful robber
ME: i’m not sure how to take that
BANK TELLER: exactly
I think I can now safely say that none of my co-workers were “personality hires”.
Sleeping without you is a waste of bed.
A new study suggests that a future study will completely contradict this study.
Bring multiple sets of clothes to work, change every hour, and act like nothing’s different.