Whenever I have a panic attack, I put a brown paper bag over my mouth…and drink all the vodka inside.
It seems to help
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“Eww” can be a term of endearment, right?
-Why do you carry that lazy dog on your shoulders, he can walk
-Mind your business
-Looks like dog actually wants to get down
-I forgot my coat, okay?
Some people are hope, some people are nope.
Choose wisely.
ME: [backing into driveway]
WIFE: Where’s the car?
I am in my truest form when the food comes at a restaurant and I side-eye plates, suspicious that everyone got more fries than I did.
The average human now spends 1.5 years of their life waiting for dumb post-credits scenes.
This is Weller. He picked this flower for you. He also may have eaten a few of them. Not this one though. This one was special. 12/10 we are honored Weller
I love gay people. Or as I sometimes call them, “people.”
In New York, people are paying up to $100 for a “cronut,” which is croissant/donut. We call these people “midiots,” which is a moron/idiot.
You learn something new every day.
Except yesterday. Yesterday was a washout.
He’ll be directing planes to the gate in no time.
#PayInHay
#Kerching
Guess who taught himself how to open the rice cooker and woke me up by screaming in between mouthfuls of hot rice
please tell me the Barbie movie ends with Barbie and Ken walking away from a massive pink explosion in slow motion and Ken says “come on, Barbie, let’s go party”
No one has ever had more confidence in me than the waiter who just gave me one napkin with my lunch
do you think that when our civilization falls, future archaeologists will find all those ‘guy ate here!’ signs and think that guy fieri was our emperor
VERY difficult to convince the apple store people that you’ve only ever dropped your phone 3 times if you dropped it twice in the store.
*goes to watch youtube vid*
BUFFER
well okay *lifts weights*
*checks again*
BUFFER
*does steroids*
BUFFER
“WHAT DO YOU WANT FROM ME”
Him: I’m gonna throw you over my shoulder, carry you into the bedroom, toss you onto the bed, and have my way with you…
Me: Ok but on the way to the bedroom, can we swing by the fridge?
My husband wants me to do a dry January which I have no problem with. I’m on my second bottle of chardonnay right now
Date: so what’s your love language?
Me: English. I wouldn’t say I love it but I knows it
*holds seashell to ear* new shell who dis
Mike Trout turns 26 today. If he keeps up this pace, he’ll be 30 in four years
My favorite part about playing video games with my kids is
WAIT WHICH GUY AM I
HOW DO I JUMP
WHAT’S HAPPENING
i got lost and locked in a stairwell at the NYC office and all i can think about is this meme while i wait for someone to save me
I make a lot of jokes about my husband and they’re all true, but sometimes I forget to mention how lucky he is with me as a wife.
Today I burned spinach.
“I wanna know who is responsible for this!”
-Me to my parents, while pointing at myself.
When you’re eating chips and dip there’s always the search for the “strong” chip to head into the dip to save the broken, weaker chips dying in the dip.
I argue with myself in public so no one talks to me.
Kids today have no idea how easy they have it. I was forced to spend the greater part of my youth as a TV antenna.
[asteroid destroys earth]
God: *wakes up* hey I was WATCHING that