Whenever I have a panic attack, I put a brown paper bag over my mouth…and drink all the vodka inside.
It seems to help
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HAMMOND: and then I extract the dinosaur blood from the mosquitoes
DR. GRANT: are you gonna use it to clone them?
HAMMOND: *takes sip from trex blood smoothie* use it to what?
Me, 48 hrs after agreeing to let shit go: “Okay, lemme ask you somethin-“
I’m boring. I just trick people into thinking I’m interesting by always being angry.
Me: I only use one side of my brain.
Them: Which side?
Me: The bad one.
(after bedtime)
3:DADDY COME INTO MY ROOM!
Me: go to sleep.
3:YOU HAVE TO COME IN BECAUSE I CAN’T HEAR YOU
M: yes you can
3:NO I CAN’T
why we do always assume Pat is short for Patrick when it could also be short for Patatouille
My buddies and I used to play bank account chicken where you wire them the full contents of your account and say “bet you won’t send it back” but our wives made us stop
Kylo Ren: I can’t read your mind! How are you resisting me?!
Rey: Occlumency lessons from Professor Snape.
🏙👨🏼
Shout out to humans as bipedals, positively freakish the way our posture’s all straight up and vulnerable. Nobody in the game doin it like we do
Me: *tips the waiter*
Waiter: *angrily climbing out the lobster tank*
The interesting thing about stabbing somebody in the chest with a giant sharpened stick is it will kill them whether they’re a vampire or just a regular dude
ME: I found my old playstation2 in the garage. we can just wire it up to the PS3 and boom, PS5
12YO: that’s not how it works
ME: okay, smart guy. which one of us had a D in math?
12YO: both?
what i say: i love you, be back in two minutes
what my dog hears: goodbye forever
*reads own tweet*
Haha, so relatable
HAVING KIDS
• expensive & boring
• they will live with you for 18 yearsBEFRIENDING A CROW
• cheap & exciting
• they will bring you gifts
• there is a good chance they will also be willing to do crimes for you
I thought you all should know that there’s a guy who just does VR drunk driving all day
Studying abroad: Spending months in another country.
Studying a broad: Spending months Facebook stalking Ashley.
“So sorry” – Actually sorry
“Sorry about that” – Not really sorry
“Sorry you feel that way” – Not sorry at all
“Sorry, but…” – Apologise to me
I have three kids: a 14-year-old, an 11-year-old, and an imaginary child who is actually to blame for everything the other two get accused of.
A great first step 😂
“I’m thinking about having a baby.”
“You should get a dog.”
“As a sort of test?”
“No. You should just get a dog.”
Found the job I’m suited for
Who needs horror films when there are true crime docs on Tinder dating
My 61-year-old stepmom loves your product, Mark Zuckerberg.
The only time I get anxiety is when I’m picking up a prescription for my wife and the pharmacists asks me for her birth date.
What if life on Earth is just a video game for gods, and my guy has the crappy controller?
I signed up to bring fruit for my toddler’s holiday party at daycare. It turns out the class’s favorite fruit is blueberries which need to be cut into quarters, and I should have signed up to bring cookies.
My 4-year-old Just ran down the hallway yelling “CHEESES CRISIS.”
Oops. Maybe I’ve yelled Jesus Christ one too many times.