Whenever I have a panic attack, I put a brown paper bag over my mouth…and drink all the vodka inside.
It seems to help
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Thank god that racist basketball guy showed up or we’d still be talking about how we’re not finding that airplane.
You look like you come from a long line of restraining orders.
[at interview]
“ok 1st question you’re on a submarine you find a dog, what do you call him”
umm
“…”
subwoofer?
“welcome to the navy seals”
[cheesecake for two at fancy restaurant]
Me: -bite-
Him: -bite-
Me: -bite-
Him -bite-
[cheesecake falls on its side]
Me: Jenga!
Airport: come like 3 hours early
Ok what gate do I go to
Airport: not telling until last minute 🤫
My kids: I love this song! Turn it up!!
Also my kids: immediately start telling me a 17-minute story.
coworker offered me a distressed bookshelf, like wtf did he do to that poor thing
do u think the guy who names hurricanes chooses the names of people he loves or is mad at
Witch Mom: ugh you spend all day on that HexBox
Witch Son: ok broomer
[pushing cheese slice into ATM which is repeatedly rejected] you don’t know value
I practice safe drinking by uninstalling the Amazon App from my phone before I start
me: so I just check out women all day?
grocery store manager: please stop saying it like that
Ke$ha looks like a character I would select in Mortal Kombat
My relationship advice?
Play Chess instead.
It’s less complicated.
My wife dared me to yell out “HURRY UP HAYDEN” at Disney World. Now we have 27 blonde boys & 8 girls following us like Children of the Corn.
Mom’s out of town, so I suggested we get ice cream for dinner and the kids said no.
I’m totally failing parenting
These birds at my feeder. None of them have a plan.
When an American says he has a side piece, I’m not sure if it’s a woman or a weapon.
I sign all anniversary cards with ‘Way to commit to the bit!’
If a guy says he’ll take you to pound town, ask for details about the puppies. I’m not taking that trip unless there’re puppies.
me: how much per hour?
babysitter: $15
me: okay here’s $2.37 million see you in 18 years
I didn’t read the safety instructions on the super glue at first, but now I can’t put them down.
Fog is like lingerie for the sky.
why try to flirt with someone who leaves you on read when you could be enjoying some soup instead
The 8yo disrupted my sleep again, so I texted my mom at 2AM to ask when it stops.
I’m sorry, but owning a pet and being a parent are not the same. Your lizard did not tell you that you sucked today.
Cats sleep 18 hours a day and only get up to murder.
I respect that.
The perfect job for me would be the person staining things for detergent commercials.
My 4yr old daughter just charged me $47 for a fake cake she cooked in her pretend oven.
I laughed.
…
She stared at me until I paid her.