Whenever I have a panic attack I put a paper bag over my mouth & once I’m done drinking the alcohol inside I feel a lot better.
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I’ve been anticipating all his needs and trying to be more on time with all of his demands. I really hope my cat picks me for employee of the month this time.
Who called it a hive for bees to live and not a site to beehold?
I started a funeral business with self-driving hearses, but they keep crashing into other cars.
Business is booming.
I just tried to make coffee with my air fryer, so TGIF
Khan: Revenge is a dish best served cold, and it is very cold in space…
Kirk, who is from Iowa: Oh, you think space is cold?
Want to get noticed? Go jogging without moving your arms.
“I literally died.” – white girls in heaven.
i like the aisle seat on a flight because it gives me power over the other two people next to me. you wanna go to the bathroom? need to grab something from your bag in the overhead? better ask my permission. i’m the king of row 37 bud
I never go anywhere without a couple dozen shrimp in my pocket. They’re my ‘running around, doing whatever’ shrimp.
Inventor of balloons: You know what this party needs? Rubber balls filled with my breath
– That Spiderman actor just asked if he could borrow a strand of metal to tie a honey-making insect’s coffee cup to the back of his car.
– Tow bee mug wire?
– No, Tom Holland.
Soaking the dishes overnight, or as I like to call it, “not doing the dishes.”
Someone at this party is wearing the same shirt as me. It’s very awkward. How did this happen. We barely even fit in this shirt.
The good news is, it turns out there is literally nothing we can say here that will ruin our chances at a political career.
I just leave my autocorrects so people will think I’m really passionate about ducks.
What’s the biggest gaffe you’ve ever made? Mine was congratulating a coworker on a non-existant pregnancy. Turns out he’d just gotten really fat.
This gum has my stomach convinced food is coming.
I won’t be gratified sexually until someone dumps one of those big Gatorade containers on me after.
Remember in the boardgame Life when you had kids and collected money? HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
I’ve seen the bass pro shop guy naked more than I have myself.
me: *pounding on son’s locked bedroom door* open up this instant! this is my house
son: no it isn’t, you have a mortgage so it’s the bank’s house. have someone from wells fargo come and tell me
me: [to wife] i knew we shouldn’t have gotten him those personal finance books
doctor: get ready to say “aaah”
me: why are we on the roof
Me starting a diet: I’m gonna be so skinny.
Me on a diet: being fat is fine.
I’m like Beyonce if Beyonce could not sing or dance.
God [making birds]: They are going to start screaming in the morning and wake people up really early.
Angel: Like at 6 AM?
God: Earlier.
Angel: 5 AM?
God: EARLIER
My toddler just tried to change the channel with a chicken finger and since I had the remote in my hand I totally let him think it worked.
Trump worked his way up from nothing. He’s going to give every American the same 1 million dollars he started with. That’s all you need.
the flight attendant came down the aisle holding out a bag of trash to me and i was like “sure what the hell” and grabbed a couple pieces
Him: You’ve got a birthday coming up soon. I guess that means I should get you something.
Me: You don’t have to.
Him: Yes I do.
Me: No you don’t. I mean you could, but you don’t hav…
Him: ThErE iT iS!!!
Kids today don’t know what hardship is. When I was younger I sometimes had to wait ALL DAY for MTV to play my favorite video.