Whenever I have a panic attack I put a paper bag over my mouth & once I’m done drinking the alcohol inside I feel a lot better.
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Pro tip: when your neighbors make you mad, send your 8 y/o son over to describe in complete detail what all 379 of his Hot Wheels look like
WD-40 doesn’t stop my joints from creaking, in case anyone else was considering this.
when dads have a rap battle
me: i’m just gonna switch the big light on for 1 minu-
british gas:
Autocorrect is like that idiot friend who tries to cover up your mistakes with worse ones.
The real reason women will never be the ones to propose: As soon as she gets on her knees, he will start unzipping his pants.
Quarantine Day 21: Turns out I don’t hate my coworkers as much as I thought I did.
ios update: we’ve changed the keyboard size just slightly again. good luck!
me: god danb ut
I’m literally typing this from atop a giraffe in Ghana. Her name is Coriander & we love each other.
Imagine you flip to a guys stream after dieing and see this
They say chimps are our closest relatives, but mine’s actually my mum.
Doc Brown: “Roads? Where we’re going, we don’t need roads”
Me working from home: “Pants? Where we’re going, we don’t need pants”
Me (filled with pride): Do you like the stew?
11 (mockingly): Yeah Dad. You’re a souper hero.
He’s already better than me at puns.
welcome to your forties now your eyebrows grow from your left shoulder
_ _ _ _ _
The category is “Down on the Farm.”
Contestant 1: Pat, I’d like a an “T.”
Pat Sajak: Sorry, No T’s. Actually, no consonants.
Old McDonald: I’d like to solve the puzzle
Him: I’d like to hear you scream.
Me: *screams like a banshee*
My sister’s boyfriend is visiting from England and we’re going to the driving range. What are the English rules of golf. Do I have to fight him or what.
My coworker left two hours ago. Unfortunately his cologne stuck around for some overtime.
Death is not the end.
You still have to dispose of the body and hide the evidence.
Choose a job you love and you will never work a day in your life because that field isn’t hiring.
ten years ago we had Jason Shoes, Carl Shirt and Daniel Problem. now we have no shoes no shirt no problem welcom to dennys what can i get u
Tom Holland in Spider-Man: Peter Parker
Tom Holland in Uncharted: Peter Parkour
HIM: Hi, I’m Bill.
ME: Hi, I’m…oh shit this is embarrassing. I’m not really good with names.
Pluto should totally move on and find a solar system that’s going to treat it with the respect it deserves.
Me: one taco without strawberries
Taco Bell guy: strawberries?
Me: no thank you
Can we just cut the crap and make all serving sizes based on an actual person? No one is sitting down in front of the TV like “Can’t wait to eat these 9 chips!”
canadians wear auxe boudy sprauy
Gf: *holding my secret second phone* what the hell is this for
Me: *uses it so my screen time doesn’t say 19 hours a day* cheating
Given that our animals have pockets I think we can agree that Australia is more evolved than the rest of the world.
3: I DON’T NEED YOU!!
Me: *already booking 1 ticket to the Bahamas*