Whenever I have a panic attack I put a paper bag over my mouth & once I’m done drinking the alcohol inside I feel a lot better.
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If I had been a Spice Girl I would’ve been Garlic Spice.
ME: welcome home John Wick
JOHN WICK: thanks roomie. How’s my tamagotchi?
ME: *starts sweating profusely*
suddenly remembered when I explained updog to my father and he didn’t even blink, just said “oh, we had something like that when I was a kid, a henway”
“what’s a henway?”
“about five pounds”
Please be delicate with me I’m built like a Nature Valley bar
HR says I’m not allowed to build an electric fence around my desk for days I have to go into the office .
“PS, I love you” — Me to my PlayStation.
People on diet aren’t mad at you. They’re mad at their lunch
“Try it, it’s so good!”
“Come on, man. Just a taste.”
“I’m having some. Mmmm.”
“Trust me.”Feeding my 2yo makes me feel like a drug dealer.
Don’t throw away old pyjamas. Collect as many pairs as you can, and in the middle of the night spread them out on Russell Brand’s front lawn so that when he wakes up he’ll think he’s missed the Rapture.
What do you mean that “you can’t monetize laziness and procrastination?”
Treat your SO like your cell phone. Even if you’re not paying attention to them, keep them safe in your pocket
“people on the internet are so unhinged” no that’s just people in general, the internet is just how you find out
There are no atheists in the passenger seat when I drive.
“NO YOU’RE DRUNK,” she says playfully into the mirror, then promptly resumes disappointing her boyfriend’s mom at family dinner.
Tell the Starbucks barista that your name is Voldemort. Watch for those who don’t flinch when the name is called. They will be your allies.
Please take the smartphone away from your pets, they are spamming your Facebook with selfies.
power’s been out for a bit. candlelight is less sexy when you’re using it to feed your puking baby whilst eating cold soup
When I was sixteen, I had to learn how to drive a stick, because we couldn’t afford a car.
HER: I can’t be with a guy who thinks he’s Optimus Prime
ME: I can change Becky
HER: promise?
ME: into a semi truck
Sometimes you’re the cat’s meow, sometimes you’re the hairball.
[airport]
SON: can i yell bomb?
DAD: no.
SON: hijack?
DAD: nope.
SON: how about shitballer?
DAD: uh yeah i guess but please don’t.
Ever notice when you need to delete a phone app and you get the icons jiggling? They seem all panicky about who’s getting cut from the team
Sorry I’m late but my goldfish needed a bath.
me: i’m sorry
gordon ramsay: yes donkey sorry for what?
me: i’m sorry i burnt the quesadillas
gordon ramsay: that’s better big boy
me: look man you’re gonna have to leave this is a private residence
Just settled a divorce over visitation of a parrot. Neither may teach it negative phrases about the other. I went to law school for this.
*Arrives at work 2 hrs late
Boss: HR wants to see you about your behavior
Me: Well, I literally just got here so it couldn’t have been me
The daughter is spending the night out tonight so the wife & I are going to do that thing we like to do when she’s gone.
*watch tv in separate rooms.
If they really loved you, they’d absorb you through osmosis.
If you fall asleep after midnight, it’s already the next day- so you really shouldn’t have to go to work until the day after. What I’m trying to say is: I got fired today.