Whenever I have a panic attack, I put a paper bag over my mouth & once I’m done drinking the alcohol inside I feel a lot better.
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Keep your friends close but your potential organ donors closer.
I usually stumble upon her safe words by accident, like when I say ‘moist’ or ‘I paid full price for everything at Whole Foods’
I don’t throw anything out anymore I just go to TGIFriday’s once a month and glue more shit to the wall no one notices try it
[waffle house]
Waitress: how do u like your eggs
Me: hatched and with their families
W: no how do u like them cooked
M: [spits out coffee]
I can’t seem to convince these dogs & cats that I don’t need their assistance in the bathroom.
WIFE: this cheese goes hard
ME: hell yeah it does
WIFE: no i mean you have to put it back in the packet
“There should be a less mean way of saying the F word because some people might forget they can’t say that in school”
– my 6yo, absolutely not talking about herself
Dr Mario: you have a tumor
me: two more what
The Riddler: riddle me this: what can you eat all night long, but never get full?
Batman: ?
Next time I’m at a restaurant, I’m going to do what my cat does and yell until someone covers the empty parts of my plate with more food.
ME *puts honey on toast*
SON: Daddy, did you know bees make that?
ME: Yeah of course[Later]
ME [to date] Did you know bees make toast?
Sometimes I hide condiments from my husband by moving them 3 inches to the left.
Just watched a guy walk into the wall, because he couldn’t decide if he should go left or right. The future of humanity scares me.
[treading water in the ocean with my pet porcupine]
Me: we’ll just have to find another life raft, Jabby
Most of parenting after your kids get cell phones is resisting the urge to text them things like “Where did you put my pen?? I saw you using it! Where is it?!!!” while they’re at school
A parent’s autobiography called “But I Just Sat Back Down” and all the chapters start with “Ugh.”
My mental health after scrolling Twitter for approximately 8 seconds
Satan [reading Chicken Soup for the Soul]: wtf this isn’t a cookbook
due to my wife’s recent surgery it hurts her to laugh. thankfully after 18 years together she no longer finds me funny so she’s perfectly safe.
[call]
MOM: please be safe in the snowstorm.
ME: idgaf about snow i’m a gangster.
MOM: what?
ME: i said thanks for calling i love you.
Thank goodness I have subtitles on, otherwise how would I know there is sinister cackling
I started off my new fitness regime this morning with a run. It isn’t the only mistake I’ve made this week, but it’s certainly the biggest.
On the other hand however, hospital food’s much tastier than I expected.
Don’t forget to tip your server
I miss James Gandolfini. Not least because his last name means “small wizard”.
Life hack: If your FIL ever says, “Stop me if I’ve told you this,” take him up on it.
A chihuahua is just a barking cat.
i don’t let my toddler use an ipad but she does get to drive when i’m hungover
Confidence is important.
Because wishy-washy just will not get you a prescription for the good drugs.