Whenever I have to fix a hole in any wall I always hide a realistically drawn but totally fake treasure map in there first.
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Play the long game? You mean Monopoly?
*me, struggling to please the members of our tea club*
“Please, everyone! Why can’t we all just get oolong?!
Nothing in this life is certain, except death and taxes.
And stepping in water if you’re wearing socks.
So cool that avocados come with those little wooden balls inside, I think I have collected the whole set
Her: You say you’ve directed shorts before?
[Earlier]
Me: BE PANTS, BUT ALMOST
Cleanliness is next to godliness in a dictionary missing some stuff
Astrophysicists still struggling to explain the Big Bang Theory: “It’s a corny show! We just don’t get it!” said one astrophysicist.
That soy sauce packet is just living rent free in your drawers
If you’re still trying to decide on your plans for Easter weekend, ask yourself “What would Jesus do?” and definitely don’t do that.
Them: Say something in Japanese!
Me, put on the spot, (In Japanese): Momentarily, the local train bound for Tokyo will arrive on platform 2. Please stand behind the yellow warning line.
Them: Wow! What does it mean?
Me: It’s an ancient Japanese proverb
You are what you eat.
*eats Ryan Gosling*
*crosses fingers*
My wife called me from her job at the Velcro factory.
She’s stuck at work again.
[texting gf]
February 13th
“I think we should spend some time apart”February 15th
“Ok that was enough time”
WISE MAN #1: I brought gold for the babe
WISE MAN #2: frankincense
WISE MAN #3: myrrh
ME: *pulls out Chili’s gift card* I hate you guys
Can someone just invent a mirror that takes pictures already!
Don’t get your panties in a bunch. The nicer ones are sold individually.
Here’s a little song I wrote about the birds in the bush outside my bedroom window it’s called “I’m Wide Awake and Angry at 4 AM” and a one and a two
I’m having one of those days where nothing seems to be going write.
[Son’s 1st day of school]
Me: Did you make any friends today?
Son: Yes!
Me: *kneels down next to him* how do you do that?
True story on this from a place I worked. Guy knew he was going to be fired on Monday, we were closed Sundays, and he was the last person in the building Saturday. Put jello (powder) in all the toilet tanks before leaving. Called in sick Monday.
I’m not feeling myself today…
…would YOU do it for me?
Women on twitter tell me my beard is hot
Women in real life tell me where I can find food and shelter .
The downside to posting jokes all the time is that if I tweeted “Help, I am in an Iranian prison” everyone would be like “haha good one”
[Michael Cera knocked backwards by ejecting toast]
I apologize for pinching your lips closed when you started telling me about your kids
Jehovah’s Witnesses door-to-door success rate would be a lot higher if they partnered up with the Girl Scouts & started selling cookies …
People need to learn how to record their name on a voicemail system.
“You have one new voicemail from… *heavy breathing* Toooooooddddd”
As a parent I can honestly say that I don’t have a favorite child, but I do have one that’s definitely going to be the cause of my first heart attack
I love how Hello Fresh always gives me way more garlic than I need. I admire a company not afraid to take a firm stance against Dracula.
If anyone breaks in, I take comfort in knowing they’ll never get past the 20 pairs of shoes in the hallway.