Whenever I have to fix a hole in any wall I always hide a realistically drawn but totally fake treasure map in there first.
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Fried potatoes
Mashed potatoes
Baked potatoes
Twice baked potatoes
Potato chips-if Bubba grew up on a potato farm instead of a shrimp boat
Date: I’m a vegan.
Me: *spits pieces of chicken into a napkin* Oh yeah? Me too.
Soon a hero will rise. Then he will fall again. Then he will rise and also fall. Wait. The hero is on a trampoline.
You don’t need a therapist when you have a strong support group around your barstool.
The good thing about leading a dull life is that all entertainment seems exciting by comparison. I consider any film where people leave the house after 6pm to be an action film.
Me: What you gotta buy from Target?
Her: Target will tell me when I get there
[Standing still for a picture]
I guess you can say I’m *turns around for a second and the camera goes off* not good at posing for pictures.
“Are you already hot as shit? Then you’ll look hot as shit in our glasses” – Every glasses ad
Him: Favorite workout? Me: Pilates. Him: Why? Me: Because we lay down for an hour.
Apparently I’m not giving my toddler enough food because she’s trying to eat our fridge magnets
Me: Well honey, this place is ripe for arson
Realtor: Right for your son? Oh yes
Me: This house will be coals
Realtor: Cole is a lovely name
Kids, we can go to the pet expo BUT WE ARE NOT GETTING ANY ANIMALS. WE ALREADY HAVE A DOG
*leaves with two lizards, a fish & a baby giraffe
If pulled pork is pulled apart, can we call sausages “pushed pork?”
A wireless bra? They weren’t tricky enough, now I need a password?
[Rock Paper Scissors Best of 7 Championship]
*down 3 games to 0 against Edward Scissorhands*
MY COACH: Stop choosing paper!
If I ever move into a mansion, it means I definitely won the lottery, or I’m successfully blackmailing someone.
When the ex asks to be friends… it’s like your mum telling you that your dog is dead but you can keep it.
*steals machine parts all year*
*gets coal for xmas*
“Santa you idiot, the parts were for a pressure chamber”
*turns coal into diamond*
One time my husband asked me to dance for him and I performed the entire Lion King musical to the best of my ability.
Imagine if we discovered another ocean. I hope we name it Billy
Therapy: Expensive
saying “ew” out loud to anything or anyone that opposes you: Free
I put a message in an empty wine bottle and threw it in the ocean.
It said, “Please refill and return to sender.”
Now I wait.
Me: Can I interest you in a nightcap?
Her: *blushing* sure
Me: What’s your hat size?
Just finished a series of paintings of mass murderers. A friend wants to put them on display but I think hanging’s too good for them.
This Walmart is advertising $9.99 iPads to anyone who throws their baby into a snakepit.
If it ain’t broke, my kids haven’t used it yet.
