Whenever I have to park in a bad neighbourhood I leave my Blackberry in plain sight so people know there’s nothing worth stealing in my car
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Why do we call it losing weight instead of lightening up?
1st date: get whatever you want
2nd date: these desserts are expensive
3rd date: let’s split an appetizer
4th date: waiter, I have a coupon
God: did you name the 2 moons of Mars?
angel: yes, Phobos & Deimos
[turns to 2nd angel]
God: and, what did you name earth’s moon?
angel 2: oh! ummm? the…Moon 🤷♂️
Husband: Can I use your phone?
Me: *throwing phone in the ocean* My what?
If I did the math right, 8 of you are serial killers and 1,246 of you are eating Nutella.
Human: [doing homework]
Dog: why aren’t you eating that
Spend a few hours without your phone and you’ll realise what the important thing in your life is.
It’s your phone.
Me: You can watch me shower, but if my husband catches you he’ll kill you
Spider:
Cop: this whole crime scene is fishy
Cat Detective: *flashing badge* ok i’ll take it from here
Me: What’s the capital of Ohio?
Son: …
Me: It’s also a famous explorer.
Son: Dora?
Me: Yep. Dora, Ohio.
Wife: you need to prepare the turkey
Me: *sits turkey down* dude this isn’t gonna be a good day for you
My dog is so strong, she pulled me over the other day. I didn’t even know she was a cop.
I have decided to leave my past behind me.. so If I owe you money..I’m sorry. but I’ve moved on.
Mosquitoes be like “I know a spot” and then bite me in on that one part of my back I can’t reach
What brave editor will let me publish 1,500 words on why ordering ravioli at a restaurant is a scam? The sage butter is not making up for the fact that you’re charging me $27 for 4 small dumplings.
NURSE: She’s in a coma. She’s been on hungerstrike
[boyfriend walks in with just enough chips for himself]
PATIENT: *Opens one eye*
Parenting is cheering on your kid’s winning softball team all weekend and then cheering on the Sunday rain for cancelling the rest of the games.
Ladies,
Please stop answering our questions with “yes, of course”. All you’re doing is forcing us to nod our heads like we knew that.
Men
boss: u should’ve been here at 9
me: why what happened at 9
Like you’ve never thought about giving Adderall to a turtle.
*in a job interview*
No no it’s not a teardrop tattoo it’s supposed to be sweat. It shows I’m a hard worker
Had a big lunch at Taco Bell. Off to the woods to prove a point.
*checks kid’s backpack*
*finds papers from September and a liquefied banana*
*zips backpack and walks away*
Me: don’t talk to me till I’ve had my coffee
Waitress: …all I said was “what would you like to order”
Me: you’re doing it again
Waitress:
Me:
Waitress:
Me:
Waitress:
Me: oh I see the problem
My diorama of the Three Little Pigs mise-en-scéne was overshadowed by my sister’s master’s degree. I’m not mad, but I’ll probably cancel the show.
The amount of people I know who have disliked me because someone told them to is staggering. Like dude, give me a chance… I’ll give you a reason. I promise.
People used to laugh when I said I wanted to be a standup comic. Well, no one’s laughing now. Wait.
[at art museum]
Security: WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
Me: It needs more yellow
A robot steals your job. It hurts, but that’s how the economy works. Nothing personal. The robot starts texting your wife.