Whenever I have to sign something to send back to my kid’s school, I always worry they’ll think she forged it even though I try to use my best “grown-up” penmanship.
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After decorating the house, I spilled cheap vodka on some glitter and dirt I was sweeping up.
Now, my house looks like Ke$ha.
[first date]
Me: I collect taxidermy
Him: Really, taxidermy?
Me: It’s a family thing[later, at my place]
Me: Feel free to hang your coat on my stepmom
I’ve learned a lot over the years, but the best advice I can ever give someone is never buy a used harmonica.
Billy Joel song- A Matter of Trust
windy day song- A Matter of Gust
affair song- A Matter of Lust
push-up bra song- A Matter of Bust
Swiffer song- A Matter of Dust
rocket launch song- A Matter of Thrust
junkyard song- A Matter of Rust
deep dish pizza song- A Matter of Crust
aliens probably fly past earth and lock their doors
Me: Shall I buy flowers for the housewarming?
Wife: Orchids?
Me: Where am I supposed to buy children?
Her: I’m not wearing underwear
Me: good thing I brought extra
this town’s getting on my nerves, gonna blow off some steam by doing a dance routine at the abandoned warehouse
I purposely park three feet away from the drive thru window so Mcdonalds employees can get in their daily stretches.
Friend: Have you seen a cockatoo?
Me: I’ve seen more than two.
Call your boring friend Simon, “Sighmon” he’ll never know the difference and you can laugh about it with your cool bros over beers.
One day when my teenager was upset I said “It is what it is,” and now he says it to me every time I’m upset and, oh wow, it does not feel good
What kind of bears don’t have teeth? Gummi bears. 😉
If you eat guns, you’ll sweat bullets.
It’s science.
Don’t change, I hate you just the way you are.
Being unemployed has given me even more time to make up songs to sing to my cat.
I been working on my summer bod: it the same as my regular body, but this time more popsackles in it.
A triumphant is an especially successful elephant.
All I did from 1984-1990 was try to shoot the laughing dog in Duck Hunt
This remains in the top 10 best memes of all time.
If my son ever came out as gay I’d be so furious. Furious that he never gave me fashion advice
I don’t really like pie, but I will still eat six pieces to be polite.
A lot of people don’t know this but if you pull the stick out of a corndog, it’ll explode like a grenade
I confess that for many years I’ve used a highly successful tax avoidance scheme based on not earning any money.
Finding lettuce in my bed can only mean one of two things…
1. I was sleep eating tacos again
2. A vegan broke in & was trying to kill me
The coolest Superhero would be The Inaudible Woman.
After all of the screaming I’ve done, you’d think that this roach would give it up and WANT to die.
”You will die alone.” I hate fortune cookies. Wait! This is a note from my mom!
If you’re not sure if a woman is pregnant or not, go ahead and ask her how far along she is in order to clear things up
HER: Are you free Friday night?
ME: Let me check my colander.
HER: Your…
ME: *checking* Nope, sorry, I’ll be making spaghetti.