Whenever I have to sign something to send back to my kid’s school, I always worry they’ll think she forged it even though I try to use my best “grown-up” penmanship.
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I only watch the groundhog festivities in hopes that Punxsutawney Phil will maul someone.
[interview]
What’s your greatest weakness?
ME: Probably avoiding tough questions
Can you elaborate on that?
ME: Oh hey look at the time!
Breakfast for Stoners:
My 5 yo just told me she decided she will only have 2 kids, because “having 4 kids like you did is annoying Mommy”
………. she’s my 3rd kid.
I’m starting to think that this $49.95 “Landmarks of Europe Tour” might be bullshit.
Laundry to do list;
□ whites
□ towels
□ untangle and re-dry duvet cover
□ untangle and re-dry duvet cover
□ untangle and re-dry duvet cover
□ darks
I would request a bunch of Ambien as my last meal so I would look hardcore as hell by falling asleep at my own execution
I just smoked so much pot that I tried to order one of the dishes of food off the scrolling instagram menu.
Raccoons are like hobos, they live outside plus they don’t like being shaved while they’re eating.
If kidnappers shoved me in a car and put a bag over my head I’d try to lighten the mood by being like It’s getting darker so much earlier these days
I saw some martial arts guy on TV do one of those spinning kick things and, honestly, it looked pretty easy.
What I’m trying to say is I need an ambulance.
[Wizard Starbucks]
Barista: I have a tall white chocolate mocha for Ron
Voldemort: [visibly upset] excuse me I’ve been waiting for an hour on my triple shot soy latte w/light foam and no one has called my name yet!
I had a dream I went to Hell and Satan forced me to sing karaoke with him.
That’s right, the Devil made me duet.
Let me sing you the song of my people at 3-4 am.
-my cat.
I’m pretty sure when Kenny Rogers said we gotta know when to fold em, he was talking about slices of pizza
One of the reasons I had to retire early is because I ran out family members that died excuses for not coming in to work.
I always took the phrase “God moves in mysterious ways” to mean that he walks like a crab.
How I flirt with girls:
1. Walk past them 15 times
2. Go home
[swirls, sniffs and sips red wine]
Yes, this is delicious. I will have a glass.
Ma’am, this is a church, let go of the cup and sit down.
“Damn you, Autocorrect!!!!” – Mark Zuckerberg, who had intended to announce that he was giving away 99% of his socks
The reason I wrap my potato in tinfoil before baking it is so that the government can’t tell what the potato is thinking
If my skinny friend keeps complaining that she’s fat, I may have to throw one of my breakfast donuts at her.
sometimes i wish a great-grandpa or old uncle had left me a pocket watch i could take out & wistfully rub during these “trying times”
Wow so when the little kid in “The sixth sense” says “I see dead people”, it’s an iconic movie scene but when I say “I see dead people”, I’m arrested for necrophilia.
Is it because I’m brown??
[Witness Protection Program]
So the more ordinary, mundane your new name is, the easier it’ll be to blend into your new-
BUBBLENUTS McFUNKY!
*shouting like a carnival barker* Worry, worry, worry!
Kids today dont know how good they have it, with their tablets and iPads. When I was their age all I had was lice.
I’m a 40 yr old man sitting at a Café with my eyes closed, squirting packets of mayo from under the table at the window as people walk by.
My son unloading the dishwasher literally sounds like he dumped the whole thing on the floor & I should probably go look but I haven’t heard any screaming so I think we’re good.
[at the bank] hi I would like to deposit these tacos. oh and *drops a fistful of hot sauce packets on the counter* these too, thanks