Whenever I have to sign something to send back to my kid’s school, I always worry they’ll think she forged it even though I try to use my best “grown-up” penmanship.
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What kind of educational background do you need to have to work at the gas station that directs teens to their deaths in a horror movie?
Just walked into my local court house, they were all sitting around in a circle with black candles and robes trying to summon a jury #funny
I like my men like I like my coffee: encouraging my bowel movements
Apparently you can’t complain to the restaurant staff about the loud kids when they are yours.
If u rob a container store does that count as organized crime?
Given my love of animals and hatred of housework, I predict my cause of death will be choking on a fur ball.
I reached blindly inside my cavernous mom bag for a lip balm and I touched something I didn’t recognize. Go on without me.
If you don’t stand for something, you’ll fall for any—(bag of chips that is within reach while you binge watch that show on Netflix, even though you said you weren’t hungry and are still full from that beer, burger and potato salad you had earlier)—thing.
Listen google, it’s 2015. I need you to figure out who I’m talking about when I type “that one guy in that movie I didn’t like.”
@realbadger @BelleofBabble @MasterDragonfly @chellemybell22 @funTweeters @ScottyRay35 @Namadontste @danieldaking @EsquireTags @robyndwoskin @DamianVanore23 @absrdNEWS @EvilHashtagRef @shenanigansen @NurseClick @varmone_chuck @SOSHashtags @dbotke10 @MusicalHashtags Hey all you sexy humans, keep up with living your lives as best you can.
Here’s to the struggle, the days we don’t want to get out of bed, the epic failures everyone tears away from like a fart in an elevator.
They’re the only thing
I just typed “relationship” and it came up “delusional” on my phone. First time I realized my phone really is smart.
Improve a famous quote by adding or replacing a word with tacos.
Only a life lived for tacos is a life worthwhile. — Albert Einstein
Me: But I’m sweaty, I’m anxious, my heart rate is up
Doctor: This is the 3rd visit I’ve had to tell you I can’t treat being offended online
Saying “You first” when the doctor told me to take off my shirt made the rest of the appointment awkward for him and I.
I can’t wait when I’m old enough to blame my age on why I’m stealing batteries and cheese
god: stop doing bad stuff
me: hear me out, what if i keep doing it but i feel bad after
god: that’s not the same
me: sorry ur breaking up
are those elderberries?
[camera pans over to reveal a bunch of berries struggling to use the internet]
There should be a place on the organ donor card that lets you leave your middle finger to a person you hate.
By the time my CVS receipt finished printing I was eligible for another prescription refill.
“Pecan” sounds like Yoda telling someone he is able to go to the bathroom.
Getting ready for work, Hank stared in the mirror and sighed. Assistant manager at Applebee’s might not be his dream job, but at least it kept a roof over their heads and put trash on the table.
I’m going start wearing a cape instead of headphones to deter people from talking to me.
WIFE: no no no I loved your vows I just thought you could’ve used the word ‘bloodthirsty’ a little less
No good deed goes unposted on social media.
You would think my neighbors would appreciate me petting their dogs every day.
But nooooo, they’re too worried about how I keep getting into their house.
Why is it that when other women wear a chain over a turtleneck it looks impossibly chic but when I do it I look like that 1994 photo of The Rock
7: *walks into the house, holding $20 in one hand & keys in the other
Me: What kind of sales pitch did you use on your PaPa to get that?
7: I need $20 and your car keys.
Murder is legal if it happens after a morning person says “WELL WELL WELLLLLL LOOK WHO FINALLY GOT UP”
ME: I wasn’t invited to the party
FRIEND: Yeah, people think you’re melodramatic
ME: [slaps friend with silk glove] Then I shall die alone