Whenever I have to sign something to send back to my kid’s school, I always worry they’ll think she forged it even though I try to use my best “grown-up” penmanship.
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I’ve got a great sense of humor *closes eyes and tilts head slightly upward* yes. there is humor nearby. 40, no, 50 yards from here
me: so, they’re called LEGO for one or LEGO no matter how many there are, and someone just arbitrarily decided LEGO would be singular and plural?
moose: I hear ya.
2 moose: preach.
1st Born: If you hold him support his head.
2nd Born: Dangle him by his feet, he loves it.
3rd Born: We don’t have a ball, use your baby brother.
Her: I feel a special connection between you and I.
Me: I think you mean between you and me.
Her: I don’t mean either now.
🎶Row, row, Robocop
Gently down the stream
Directive one: Uphold the law
I am part machine🎶
If you are single, just be patient. Your soulmate is almost done with their divorce papers 😉
A jellyfish can go its entire lifetime without ever meeting a peanutbutterfish
I dropped my bowl of SpaghettiOs and it spelled ‘oooooooo’ on the floor. Spooky
Melo: “What I gotta do to get signed?”
NBA:
Optimus Prime: “I transform from a robot into a truck. You?”
Amazon Prime: “I transform money into regrettable internet purchases at 2 AM.”
When someone my age uses the word “harvest” there’s a 50/50 chance it’s a reference to either body parts or tomatoes.
My friend is really bad at multitasking. Sometimes I’ll be on the phone with him and he’ll say “I’m going into an elevator” and hang up
I was killing this rap battle until I said orange.
Me: Soooo it’s our 3rd date. Is this when we like, you know, take it to the next level?
Him: Definitely! My place or yours?
Me: I was just hoping to go somewhere a little nicer than 7-11
{emergency evacuation}
Police:For the last time you need to leave your house now!
Me:*frantically packing my Golden Girls DVD box set* ok ok
Me: I lost my virginity to Barry White.
Her: Really? What song?
Me: Song?
me when i know i have to be awake in a couple of hours
Give a man a roll of toilet paper, he wipes for a day
Give a man a CVS receipt, he wipes for a lifetime
YouTube videos are like: fix it yourself in a few easy steps! You just need a screwdriver, soldering iron, hydraulic torque wrench, stork beak pliers, and a scissor lift!
*Sees old 1987 ford mustang and gets in* Lets see if this baby still works *pulls baby out of backpack* *baby cries* Great! *Puts it back*
Me: This week was long as shit, I’m exhausted, I have nothing to tweet.
*one minute after turning out light*
My brain: The fictional reality the super-rich have created for themselves is the Yacht Matrix.
My support group can outdrink your support group.
When you give someone a present, unless you say “open it”, they’re legally not allowed to look inside.
SISTER: i’m engaged!
ME: awwwwwwwwewwww
SISTER: did you sneak an ‘ew’ in there
ME: …no
I cleaned out my junk drawer and now I have 2 junk drawers.
Each and every pizza can be a personal pizza if you just believe in yourself and don’t have any friends.
banned from the local bowling alley for softly moaning when i put my fingers in the ball
Despite what we’ve been lead to believe,
nobody really really really wants a zigga zig ahh
I’m just a Whole Foods girl on a Walmart budget.