Whenever I have to sign something to send back to my kid’s school, I always worry they’ll think she forged it even though I try to use my best “grown-up” penmanship.

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I apologize to everyone that I’ve ever offended.

Just kidding. Could you imagine?


“Vitamin Water”?? Sorry bud, that exists and it’s called SOUP


DOROTHY: What do these shoes do?
GLINDA: Send you home
D: Lame [tries new pair] And these?
G: Wait-
D: [clicks heels]
[turns into hamburger]


My Daddy taught me to lick it before I stick it- I say to the judges as I hang a spit covered spoon from my nose.


Whenever my neighbor looks like they want to speak to me. I collapse to the ground motionless as if I were one of Andy’s toys.


Found out there is a microwave with a built in toaster, and this is going to be the greatest bath ever.


I’ve been taking my Flintstones’ vitamins daily, but I still can’t start a car with my feet.


[at my intervention]

mom: some of us feel uncomfortable with your pinned tweet