Whenever I have to sign something to send back to my kid’s school, I always worry they’ll think she forged it even though I try to use my best “grown-up” penmanship.

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Blanket apology to everyone I’ve begged to go camping after two drinks. It was too intense and I do not own a tent.


I told the barista my name was “Britney Spears” just for giggles and he handed me my coffee with “annoying white girl” written on it instead


[lips on a snake]
WIFE: what are you doing?
ME: getting rid of the poison
WIFE: you’re supposed to suck your own bite
SNAKE: leave him alone


PAL: Do you think the Cowboys will beat the Giants?

ME: There is no way

PAL: Why?

ME: Giants are very large and cowboys are just regular sized people


Potatoes are just poor defenseless vodka fetuses.

Remeber that the next time you eat a french fry or hash browns, you monsters.


I guess his other shirt, “Build the wall or I’ll gargle your balls” was at the drycleaners


When I undress there is a radiant shower that falls. Not of money or glitter, but of dog hair.


I don’t always drink iced coffee, but when I do, it’s because my kids prevented me from drinking it hot so I gave up and added some ice.


“So you met the victim on tinder”
“Do you often meet women on tinder”?
Yeah I’ve been murdering it on there
*lawyer puts head in hands*