Whenever I hear a helicopter I say “gotta go- there’s my ride!”
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If cats had a cellphone, you’d have 6,729 TikTok notifications from a video they uploaded knocking your vase off the counter.
If dogs had a cellphone, you’d have 42 texts and 3 missed FaceTime calls from when you dared to go to the restroom alone.
“Shh…it took an hour, but I think he’s finally asleep.”
*fireworks go off outside*
*opens window*
I WILL KILL YOU AND EVERYONE YOU LOVE
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. She just started a new diet and I brought home half a chocolate cake from the office.
(after bedtime)
3:DADDY COME INTO MY ROOM!
Me: go to sleep.
3:YOU HAVE TO COME IN BECAUSE I CAN’T HEAR YOU
M: yes you can
3:NO I CAN’T
Me *has read one book all year*
Me *going on a trip for a week* better download 15 books
My walk of shame is leaving a handicapped restroom stall while trying not to make eye contact with the wheelchair guy who was waiting on me.
I hate it when strangers question me. I’m with my kid, & this lady goes, ‘He’s cute. Who does he look like?’ I’m like, ‘Your husband’
Caller: Emergency Sevices? I’m on fire.
Me: That’s great, keep up the good work.
Some of my co-workers want to go hang out tonight. Trying to figure how to fake my death and still make it into work tomorrow.
Don’t bother putting your hand over my mouth to shut me up, I will lick you.
Pre-surgery instructions: Do not wear makeup the day of surgery.
Surgeon: But I want to look pretty.
#KarenAndTheCat 😉
Such a beautiful day I chose to walk instead of the bus. Job interview can start without me.
I swear to god after this election I’m taking a long break from social media for 2-3 hours
[first day as coast guard]
Boss: 7 people died on your watch today
Me [looking off into the distance]: yes but the coast is fine
“I’m so pissed I could punch a ba-”
“A what?” Big Baby from Toy Story 3 hovers over me, sawed-off shotgun in hand.
“A bagel. I HATE carbs.”
oh cool you can play this toilet on hard mode
Husband: Don’t the kids have swimming tonight at 6?
Me: It’s at 7.
H: Oh, I was close.
Me: Yeah, the season ended 3 weeks ago.
Why is my purse so heavy?
*pulls out two tubes of sunscreen, extra pair of glasses, 3 cat toys, a circuit city gift card, and a 3 piece meal with two sides and a biscuit
Sometimes I cross things off my to-do list that I haven’t done.
To remind myself that I control the list.
if all my dreams come true then the next time i go grocery shopping i’ll start mopping up a spill because suddenly i work there but then realize i forgot to wear pants so i’ll try to run home but my legs are made of rubber and then all my teeth fall out so stop wishing that on me
ME: today will be a good day
PINKY TOE SOCK SEAM: lol
Whenever I say bad words like ‘diet’, I wash my mouth out with doughnuts.
[resorting to cannibalism]
My GF: we’ve only been out here for 4 hours!!
Me: he would have wanted us to survive
I don’t do weights but my 4yo refuses to walk sometimes so yeah I lift
On the toilet for 20 minutes. Wish you were here.
If you guys were impressed by the “but wait, it’s actually cake” thing, wait until I tell you about the guy I dated who turned out to be a Thanksgiving turkey
Lice is the herpes of kindergarten.
i like my men like i like my coffee, secretly alcoholic.
It’s amazing how many errands I’m willing to run when family is in town. No, no you relax. I’ll go.