Whenever I hear a helicopter I say “gotta go- there’s my ride!”
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[two weeks into the zombie apocalypse]
Me: [ventures outside] oh my god there’s a zombie apocalypse
Lesser known historical fact: Abraham Lincoln’s hat was so tall because he kept an upright Chipotle burrito in there
The “quarantine 15” refers to the 15 pounds people have gained since the quarantine started.
I’m well into my third quarantine then.
ME: I’ve got this nervous tick
DR: Since when?
ME: [taking small arachnid from pocket] July?
MICK: [sweating] You said you’d do the talking
Did you know that it takes 0 facial muscles to give you the finger
“Oh you just put lotion on?
You’re not going anywhere.”
– Doorknob
David Hasselhoff has changed his name to David Hoff.
It’s less hassel that way.
Friend: What a cute baby! Boy or girl?
Me: Guess
Friend: What’s its name?
Me: Spork
Anytime I see a tweet in a different language, I read it as “Oo ee Oo ah ah, ting tang walla walla bing bang.”
Knowing how to write in cursive almost feels like a secret language. I can pass notes to my wife that my kids have literally no chance of understanding, no matter how long they try to decode it.
“Kids, it’s time to choose, more berries or a bed to sleep in?”
“MORE BERRIES!”
Walmart was so crowded today that they had 2 cashiers working.
me: when is the last time you had a bath?
4: tomorrow
“It’s been a bit of a day”
Meaning: Anything from “the printer stopped working” to “an asteroid hit the planet and eradicated 90% of living things”
You can’t claim to like bad girls and then get mad when I rob you.
When people ask me how old I am, I always say 45.
They all think I look AMAZING for my age.
Sometimes I wonder how such beautiful kids can really be mine.
Then my 4-year-old opens a door and runs into the door frame.
Then I know.
[at doctor’s office]
Nurse: You may get undressed now.
Me: [rips off tear away pants]
Nurse: Most people wait until I’m out of the room but okay.
Got a rash on my face in the shape of a roadrunner. I think I might have acme.
Life Hack: If you carry around a 14 inch kitchen knife, almost everything is free.
God: you can go on land and water.
Turtle: nice, but what’s the shell on my back for?
God: that’s where you live.
Turtle: oh my gosh.
God: what?
Turtle: I have a house boat!
beginning to suspect my gf is only using me for my foot warming capabilities late at night
I brought sexy back and man was that Kohl’s cashier confused.
Who called it the milk crate challenge and not broke back mountain
<—– gave a man a heart attack by admitting he was right
Otter: [muttering] futkin kiths
My husband brought home one happy meal for two kids.
Frankly things would have been less dramatic if he’d brought home a girlfriend.
Feeling adventurous? When your wife calls you, text her “He’s busy” and then switch off the cellphone.
*waves arm in the direction of the lake*
One day, all this will be yours.
12: Are you threatening to drown me?
Me: Just make your bed, k?