Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I hate when I can’t remember if my wife and I are in love or fighting. So, I’m like a minesweeper in the mornings.

‘I’m really excited about the Pixar cowboy figure I got for my birthday.’

‘Woody?’

‘Not quite that excited.’

Our security system revealed that a black cat arrives at our house every night around 10pm. It then sits on our front stoop all night and leaves around 5am. There is only one logical explanation: I am going to Hogwarts soon.

You’re right autocorrect. Much is gracias.

Tacos are NOT a good pre yoga snack.

I know this now.

If you run out of coffee while someone is telling you a long story, you should be able to reach out, grab the coffee that person is holding & start drinking it, too.

[after first date]

Him: I had a great time, I’d love to see you again

Her: Yes, we should do this again sometime but with other people

Bruce Lee: be like water.
Me: wasted every day?

There should be a rule that people have to say what they want from you BEFORE asking “are you busy?”

I am in:
🔵 Kentucky
🔵 Texas
🔘 Pants

For the:
🔵 Fried Chicken
🔵 Chainsaw Massacre
🔘 First time in weeks

DATE: you smell so nice – what are you wearing?
ME: Febreeze

#dalle2

If you’ve ever watched a butcher wrap pork chops, you’ve seen me wrapping Christmas presents.

Me: Now that I’m an adult, I can eat whatever I want.

Metabolism:

people misspelling definitely as defiantly is one of my pet hates however I do like seeing a status like “defiantly getting a chinese tonight” and imagining someone booting down the door of peking garden.

Woke up at 3am because I fell asleep in a recliner and my spouse went to bed and just left me there. So I crawled to bed and arranged the pillows to really constrict my airflow to make sure I snored the rest of the night.

Parents: When you finish the chores will you please look for a job.

Me: [painting the cat’s claws] Still a lot to do unfortunately.

I’ll be in the yard for a bit. If anyone asks, I’m outstanding.

Ambien is not the answer, unless your neighbor questions why you were sleeping on their couch and where did their cheesecake go.

There’s a tornado warning and we’re about to hop into our blow up pool. If you see us fly by, please don’t hesitate to say hello.

*throws roll of duck tape into a pond*

Go little guy, you’re free now.

Some days you’re the Titanic, some days you’re the iceberg, and some days you’re the guy who jumped off and hit a propeller on the way down.

showed up to a party wearing the same shirt as someone else, how did we both fit in one shirt

This is the greatest and I won’t hear otherwise.

Wife: There’s a spider in the kids’ bedroom
Me: I’ll take care of it
*raises spider like one of my own*
*has a little cry when it graduates*

Oh, you’re a politician? Name all the politics

I told her she’s prettier than soup without her knowing how many quality soups I’ve encountered.

[standing outside the office with all the other smokers, I take out my cigar case, remove a hotdog and place it in my mouth] I’m trying to quit but it’s soooo hard