Whenever I hear a lady in the next stall trying to unwrap a tampon as quietly as possible I yell, “HEY, IS THAT CANDY? CAN I HAVE SOME?”
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Sometimes I like to trick my dryer by selecting the Bedding setting when the load is really jeans and towels.
haha remember when I was in charge of a children’s birthday party at the pottery studio I worked at and I kicked things off by saying “alright it’s jenna’s sixth birthday, pretty impressive she’s made it this far…”
“Easy as pie” does not sound easy to me. Make it “Easy as Hot Pockets” or “Easy as eating six pickles straight out of the jar without even closing the fridge”
You think after 11 years of marriage you really know your spouse, and then last night I found out mine uses his notes app by keeping EVERYTHING – grocery lists, reminders, birthday present ideas – in ONE LONG NOTE
Don’t want to get political on here but there’s no such thing as “endless shrimp.” Heads? Tails? Those are two VISIBLE ends THAT WE KNOW OF.
*drops acid*
*picks up acid*
*drops acid*
*picks up acid*
*drops acid*
*picks up acid*
*drops acid**checks for abs, finds a clown
been hearing a lot of friends say they’re planning on avoiding the internet tomorrow. not me! it’s gonna be christmas morning for hall of fame bad posts on here. we’re talking takes so bafflingly stupid we can’t even imagine. and i need them all beamed directly into my brain.
ME: [extremely burnt out] I need to take the day off to relax
ALSO ME: I wonder if there is a way that I could relax that would be more productive
I grilled a chicken for two hours.
It still wouldn’t tell me why it crossed the road…
It’s too bad my sister wasn’t kinder to me in middle school.
**orders nephew a bullhorn for Christmas**
5’s friend told him his mom makes play doh. Thanks Pinterest. I’m already expected to cook 3 meals a day, now I have to cook their toys too?
Three thousand years have passed. Mia’s son has merged with a sandworm and rules the wastes of Genovia as a god
Watched a guy buy several single bananas at various stages of ripeness (instead of a bunch). Realized I was in the presence of genius.
*weighs myself in kilograms to own the lbs
Don’t trust anyone that orders a Medium Pizza….
Don’t ring my doorbell unless you’re accompanied by a camera crew and holding balloons & a big check.
scary then: a phone call came from inside the house
scary now: a phone call
Husband: *measures out 3 cups of rice, cooks*
Me: what are you-
Husband: *muffled, from behind a giant mountain of rice* why did I end up with 80 cups?!!
Me: *shouting* because you don’t get rice math!
Well, look who I ran into at the liquor store. First I thought he was shopping so didn’t wanna bother him, but then I saw the shirt and thought “wait a minute, he works here?!”
Turns out, he’s the owner. A quiet life away from the glitz & glam. May we all learn a thing or two 🙌
Me *googling* are people who steal ducks called abducktors or kidquackers?
FBI agent monitoring me: *reaching for whiskey* Jesus Christ
Kid: Are you the babysitter?
Sting: Yes. Every breath you take. Every step you take. I’ll be watching you. It’ll be fun!
Kid: *horrified*
Them: Who is your favorite…
Me: My dog
Them: No, I wasn’t finished. I meant, who is your favorite…
Me: My dog
you can do it, they said…put your back into it, they said
High school field trip, I caused a panic when visiting a World War One trench in Ypres. Stood on something metallic that crunched under my foot. Refused to move. People panicked that I had stood on an old land mine. Cue police, firefighters, army, bomb disposal. It was a Coke can
I hate weddings, funerals and the symphony. I never know when to clap.
[first day as furniture salesman]
Guy [inspecting bed]: nice, solid frame. Who makes it?
Me: you or your wife. Whoever gets up last really
Wait you misunderstood. When I called you “doll face,” I was referring to Chucky.
them: ugh, could you be more annoying
me: oh god, yes