Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I hit a deer with my car and had to call a Bambilance…

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Me: Same

14 [in front of the dinner his dad made]: I don’t understand what I’m looking at.

*pushes math homework away in 1990*
I’ll never need this
*getting yelled at by subway customer in 2014*
I WANT THE BREAD CUT LIKE A RHOMBUS

I’m perfectly approachable as long as you’re carrying a plate of nachos.

You don’t know awkward and uneasy until you’ve seen the way I hold a cat.

the ‘grandma exploit’ is undoubtedly my favorite chatbot jailbreak to date. source here:

If a zombie approaches you, bop it on the nose with a rolled-up magazine and say NO.

Did you know cats often bite as a sign of affection and not because they want to murder you

Cats: no it’s murder

when my sister was like 5 she wrote a note to the easter bunny that said “happy easter are you a boy or a girl” and my mom left a typed note that said “sorry i can’t read i’m just a bunny”

Her: why are you covered in egg

Me: I got into a fight

Her: did you win?

Me: yes It was over, easy

I like to think that all my unfollowers have violated their parole and been sent back to the big house. Just kidding, I hope they’re dead.

Where I work customers love that we take credit cards, it doesn’t become complicated until I buy myself tickets to Fiji.

[Me on Shark Tank]

*shows the sharks a picture of their families tied up*

I’m looking for 100k for the safe return of your families

Me: Anything you can do I can do better, I CAN DO ANYTHING BETTER THAN YOU!

Mom: Why are you yelling at the dog?

That pile of clothes on my bed, seems to have strange powers and gets higher on its own

In the middle of an argument, begin calmly folding a blanket if you want the other person to go truly ballistic

What if all those coins you keep finding in your couch is rent money from the spiders living in your house?

Hey, I may not look like much right now, but believe me, in the morning I’ll look even worse.

new wife guy just dropped

To combat the sibling rivalry that’s been occurring at home, we’ve been spending more time outdoors. So essentially they’re just taking it outside.

Help is a magic word.
Say it to people & watch them disappearing from the horizon of your life.

[over megaphone]
“Police! We have you astounded!”
“Jim, it’s ‘surrounded’.”
“No, I know but look at his face.”

Just pretended to not know what a Cheeto was to get an extra sample at Costco

I tried to be mean once. Worst two minutes of my life.

“You had a life. It was this long. Here’s a rock.” – tombstones

Being a parent isn’t just a job it’s a way of life. Like coal mining, or deep sea fishing, or ice road trucking….really any job that’s actively trying to kill you.

Hub: What’s this?

Me: A divorce jar. Every time we fight you put a dollar in & I’m a little closer to freedom.

Hub: *puts $100 in*

Me:…

#ChangeAConsonantSpoilAMovie
Snapes On A Plane

[Being murdered]

You’re on my hair