Whenever I hear snapping, I always fear I’m walking into a battle between rival gangs from West Side Story.
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So when is too soon to ask your friend if you can borrow their baby to reenact The Lion King? One day old? Two?
Hangin with my peeps at the club. Biting their heads off, one by one. Enjoying their marshmallow deliciousness.
Applying for jobs sometimes is wild like how am i supposed to be passionate about a company I don’t even work for yet?
4k tvs? no thanks i only need one
The problem with rich people is you’re not one of them.
Hi, I’m your car’s radio. I’ll be playing terrible music during your trip, but once you get out of the car I’ll play your favorite song.
*comes into work with black eye* oh please I’m fine guys! But you shoulda seen the other guy. He was a cabinet door that i walked into
I’m sure 4 kids fighting about who found the most eggs at 7 AM is exactly what Jesus had planned for today.
I downloaded Google Wallet but there was no money in that one either. wtf
no show does a misunderstanding/miscommunication plot better than modern family does 😭
Leonardo DiCaprisun
How the hell wizards don’t set fire to themselves, I’ll never understand; attempting to make potions and stuff, with those dangly sleeves.
I came back from the grocery store with a bag of fresh vegetables and when my wife asked what I’d bought I said it was a bag full of good intentions
I’m sorry about your blouse but you really shouldn’t tell people you have cat-like reflexes and think they won’t try and prove it, so again, this one is on you.
5-year-old: How many pull-ups can you do?
Me: 22.
Wife: How many with witnesses?
Me: Almost 1.
“You are what you eat” I whisper to myself as I pour my dead dog’s ashes into my cat’s food bowl
Joined Match.com… And all I got was a lit cigarette
The local casino is hosting a speed dating event.
Just what every woman needs, a new boyfriend with a gambling problem.
Do a little dance… Drink a lot of rum… Fall down tonight…
The bigger issue about the Hobby Lobby decision is the fact that people working in a craft store are getting laid more than I am.
*watching videos of people cooking in public bathrooms*
The CDC should absolutely have a prison
It’s like nobody at this Bed Bath and Beyond appreciates me taking intimate selfies on every bed so I can decide which comforter brings out my natural beauty.
me: every time you guys don’t listen to us I get to burn a Christmas present in the fireplace.
8: well then you’ll just be wasting your own money.
Well shit.
Those three magical words:
“Where’s the plunger?”
An example of men’s inability to understand women – Me: I have Nothing To Wear!! Him: Awesome!
Every family needs a delusional daughter who is ambitious about relieving all her family’s struggles solely by winning the lottery one day.
mcdonalds should have a completely soft meal you can eat while sneaking past guards
If there’s something strange. In your neighborhood.
Fun prank:
Ladies, if your man ever asks “who’s your daddy?” During sex, throw him off by screaming “You’re not my real dad!”