Whenever I hear snapping, I always fear I’m walking into a battle between rival gangs from West Side Story.
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I’m at my most walk of shame when I’m wearing sweatpants heading back to the buffet for the third time.
A new survey shows that most Canadians aren’t looking to return to the office full-time. Just a thought, have you guys tried putting a bed in there?
interviewer: describe yourself in 5 words
me: mathematically challenged
Her: Get out, this is the ladies room!
Me: Oh please, If I paid attention to every sign with a picture on it I’d never get a parking place.
Call me old-fashioned, but I believe that when the crops fail a human sacrifice is required
I’m more than willing to test out that whole “money can’t buy happiness” thing.
[after dinner]
Me: I can’t eat another bite.
Also me: *whimsically eats entire spongebob ice cream cake*
please for the love of god wipe down your equipment after you use it!!! I hate when I finally get to the guillotine and it’s all bloody
My husband grabbed a lightsaber and challenged our daughter to a battle. She ran to the kitchen and grabbed a knife.
[leaving birthday party]
wife: Drive safe, we have precious cargo *smiles at kids*
me *looking at the piece of cake in my lap* I know
I just saved a ton of money by using my Pizza Hut points to order free pizza- earned from the ton of money I spent on previously ordered pizza.
My current situation
Which essential oils calm down household family members? Chloroform?
It’s chloroform isn’t it?
Premarital counseling should be having the couple put together IKEA furniture with limited Wi-Fi connection. #weddingparty #romance
Me: New rule, if you leave the dinner table without saying “Excuse me,” we will assume you’re done and I will eat the remaining fries right off your plate.
9yo: should we tell 5yo once she gets back to the table?
Me: (speaking through a mouthful of 5yo’s fries) nah
Me to kid: go tell your brother dinner’s ready
The same kid right beside me:
Please, pdf is my father. Call me pdf (1)
Ok but how old is your child in minutes?
Guys, check out this cool trick I learned. Take your upper lip and make it touch your lower lip. Now keep them like that.
People: Let us know if you need help!
Me: Okay I need help
People:
3-year-old: *sits at the table forever without touching anything*
Me: *eats one cold chicken nugget*
3: THAT WAS MINE!
I just sighed so loud that my neighbor texted me, “What’s wrong?”
Me: “I need a home improvement loan.”
Banker: “What will you be using the money for?”
Me: “A divorce lawyer.”
[last night]
*does dozens of squats to impress a cute guy at the gym*[this morning]
*takes half an hour to get down a flight of stairs*
Got kicked out of the army for calling my bulletproof jacket a hardigan.
date: i like guys who are mysterious
me: [afraid she may have learned my horrible secret] haha isn’t it great that neither of us has ever made love to a snowman
Beautiful woman who approaches my friend: Hey! You’re the father of one of my kids
Friend: Listen I got a good life, we both agreed it was a one time thin-
Woman: I’m his English teacher
I got fired from my job as a taxidermist for rolling my eyes.
ME: I swear to god I will burn this place to the ground. I can’t take this anymore. I am done. DONE.
CUSTOMER SERVICE REP: sir thank you for holding, it’s just going to be another minute
ME: sure of course no problem
[on trial for murder]
lawyer: have you ever eaten cereal with water
me: [sweating] I don’t see how that’s-
judge: answer the question