whenever i hold a baby i say “god i want a baby. i just wish i knew where they come from” & it kills every time
You Might Also Like
You have to hand it to Subway for convincing us it’s acceptable to eat an entire loaf of bread for lunch.
Someone once told me I can’t say I hate camping if I’ve never been camping but I’ve never been stabbed in the eye and I can say with 100% certainty I would hate it so how’s this any different
Don’t propose with a diamond, that’s so yesterday. Propose with a pair of oven mitts, at least she’ll knows what she’s getting herself into.
How to use a credit card machine:
1. Insert card.
2. Don’t remove it yet.
3. Nope, still not yet.
4. Yeah, not yet either.
5. REMOVE CARD NOW! OH MY GOD DON’T MAKE ME KEEP BEEPING AT YOU LIKE A BOMB IS ABOUT TO GO OFF!
*watching Only Murders In The Building*
Me: “Where are all the crows?”
I’m sure we could imagine what it’s like to be conjoined twins if we put our heads together.
Who called them fake potatoes and not imitaters.
[plummeting from a huge cliff to my death] I’m hungry
No thanks farting robot on the wall I’ll use the paper towels to dry my hands nice try though
I instantly feel horrible when I judge someone, so I stopped.
Now I make rational conclusions based on insightful observations.
I will never fall in love with any twitter girl here as I am scared that one of these unknown accounts may be a sting run by my wife.
Parents: Don’t play with sharp objects.
Parents in October: Here’s a knife. Now stab this pumpkin.
My hobby is convincing little kids to say, “Last night I played with the little boy who died in our house.” So far I’ve made 2 families move
If Vanilla Ice was a priest:
🎶If you have a sin, yo, I’ll solve it / read the Good Book while my DJ absolves it! 🎶
Wife: you can trust me
Me: last week you told me I’d look good with a ponytail
Wife:
Me:
Wife: you can usually trust me
Whenever I test drive a car and the Salesman decides to come along, I lock the doors lock eyes and say “We ride together, we Die together.”
Body by Oreos
We have great news. We’re pregnant!
-Awesome! Do u know the sex yet?
Of course we know ‘the sex’. How do u think we got pregnant, silly?
[spelling bee]
your word is ‘hors d’oeuvre’
“can you use it in a sentence?”
yes…’I bet this kid can’t spell hors d’oeuvre’
5: Can we go outside and play.
Me: I’m sorry but I don’t feel good. I’ve been throwing up.
5: Can’t you just throw up outside?
The real slim shady: [sitting in a bean bag] oh no
When a pair of scissors hear you’re looking for them
Grocery store just charged me $0.10 to offset the environmental impact of my bag and then gave me a paper receipt 3 feet long.
me (checkin out at grocery store with 2 rotisserie chickens): hold up *i grab my phone although it didn’t ring* sure i’ll get 1 more chicken
I don’t want to sound alarmist, but EEEEOOOO EEEEOOOO ANK ANK ANK ANK WOO-OOP WOO-OOP WOO-OOP
Babe what’s wrong, you don’t like pumpkin spice wartime election eclipse hurricane season?
What’s a random act of kindness you’ve done for a stranger recently? I helped a bunch of teens buy alcohol and cigarettes the other day
Just spent 5 minutes scratching my back against a post and now I have the sudden urge to hibernate for winter.
Me: I’ve had a long day. Make it a double.
Nurse administering the Covid shot: What?