Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My daughter should be getting her mid quarter grades soon. I’m excited to see how I’m doing in algebra.

Sure sex is great and all but have you ever watched someone trip over a curb while getting out of a Bentley?

OMG! Imagine being in a room with all of your exes!

*imagines room of people playing ps4 and ignoring me*

The year is 2063 and you ask your grandson if you can venmo him. He tells you to just stick your finger in his ear. Cmon grandpa, nobody venmos anymore. Just stick your finger in my ear

Praying Mantis: *attends church, devours husband*
Agnostic Mantis: *stares suspiciously up at the sky, devours husband*

*my boss going around the room to figure out what employees are most incentivized by

Me: FOREHEAD KISSES

Spider-Man reboots should start with the previous actor biting the new one as the origin story.

using AI to expand this shot in Fast & Furious 6 and achieve the filmmakers true vision 😌🙏

I’m a go with the flow kind of gal unless the flow is after 9pm or involves people I don’t know or parallel parking.

Wife: When lock down is over, we should take the family out

Me: *Sharpening knife* Good idea, I’ve always hated Uncle Geoff

drunk in public? why good sir back in my day we used to call it “turnt” how do I keep up with the parlance of these times.

The way this kid screams and cries I’m shocked the parents are willing to pay so much to get it back.

Why isn’t ‘ampersand’ spelled ‘ampers&’?

My 3yo instructed me to be the monster at the park but just as I was about to grab her she shouted “hey monster, it’s lunch time!” so I’m super impressed with her survival skills

The people who make sexy noises when they stretch are my kinda people.

A Lunch Poem:

Some people buy theirs in local food shops,
While others eat donuts (especially cops).

Some jerks heat fish that they bring in a bag,
And stink up the kitchen, making me gag.

Me? I’ll check the fridge on a hunch
That Glenn from Accounting brought a good lunch.

16: I hate old people.

Me: That’s where you and I are different.

16: You like old people?!

Me: No, I hate everybody.

Probably the most valuable life lesson I’ve learned from a movie is to not steal black girls’ cheer routines.

I JUST WANT A JOB WHERE I CAN SIT ABSOLUTELY STILL AND IF ANYONE DISTURBS ME I GET TO SCREAM

Came home to find the couch had moved a few inches, and neither the dog nor the cat will look me in the eye now.

Somehow I managed to lock myself out of my laundry room. I don’t know the last time I was this happy.

looking for a buddy to go together on knuckle tats:

[P][E][R][S] [O][N][A][L]

[P][A][N][P] [I][Z][Z][A]

I was challenged to fisticuffs in the carpark once, other chap led the way, I followed until we came to a corridor which led back to the bar, I took it, he carried on oblivious, never seen him again, bouncer wouldn’t let him back in – God bless him.

BOSS: I suspect one of you wrongly uses nouns as verbs.

Everyone turns around and stairs at me.

over-40 lifehack: if you go every 6 months instead of annually, they only give you a semicolonoscopy

jane austen: *experiences pride and prejudice* hmm i think i’ll write a book about this

j.d. salinger: *catches some rye* yeah same

After years of beta testing, my body is ready to launch OS X Cougar.

When you hear those 4 awful words:
‘Break into small groups’

you should get a pension for having to go to school for 12 years