Whenever I leave a fancy restaurant, I like to tell the diners coming in “I recommend the tandoori cat.”
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Some parents are blessed with amazing kids and others have kids that decide to learn the trumpet.
We’ve seen a guy in a hockey mask with a machete, we’ve seen a dude put knives on his glove, but how is there no horror movie about a tiny flying baby with a bow and arrow, that shit sounds terrifying.
Yesterday someone on here said I was more attractive than an actual Prince, and that was a really weird way to discover that my mom had a Twitter account.
Her: this isn’t going to work out
Me: *in the kiddie pool in full scuba gear* Why, what’s wrong?
It’s an indescribable feeling when I’m trying to put my toddler in his car seat in a crowded parking lot and him screaming “HELP”.
Why do I have all these cookie pans. I don’t even bake.
as a kid: i have to save up for this toy
as an adult: i have to save up for this rent
Package delivery vans should play music when they’re driving through a neighborhood like ice cream trucks do
Auditioning for a commercial:
Me: Mmm. So delicious. I don’t believe it’s not butter.
Director: Cut, cut! It’s can’t. The word is can’t. Ok? And action.
Me: Mmm. So delicious. I don’t believe it’s not can’t.
Me: What do you want for Christmas?
Him: You not telling me I did something wrong for a whole day.
Me: no. Think of something else.
I wonder what song the Little Mermaid was singing when she viciously ripped a clam in half to make a bikini top?
I feel tired and weak. Probably just getting older and nothing is wrong. Well, time to read the news
the lights on this hospital in my hometown have gone out in a majorly unfortunate way :/
If you boil a funny bone does it then become a laughing stock.
“Picture yourself lying here, bound and totally at my mercy”.
“Oh my,” I reply to my cheeseburger.
My first act as president will be an executive order requiring that all celebrity baby names be reviewed by a panel of sane people.
Garlic and bread is the only marriage I truly have faith in.
Me: Don’t be mean to my friend.
Her: Your friend just broke in my door and almost strangled me.
Me: I said he was my friend, not yours.
[FIRST DAY AS A LAWYER]
Bailiff: Do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth.
Witness: I do.
Me: How do I look in these pants?
I just found out that they made an entire movie based on my favorite Will Smith song “Men in Black.”
Me when dead:
Yay! No more worrying about appearance or keeping fit or any of that crap!Me a second later:
Wait – WHY THE HELL AM I STILL THINKING?
Seems like I can’t even sit on a park bench anymore without someone’s henchman sneaking by to swap briefcases
“Crocodile after awhile.” – Yoda
My dancing style can best be described as “Guy On Maury Who Just Found Out He Isn’t The Father.”
The only double penetrating I’ll ever do is eating the double stuff Oreo I just dropped into my coffee.
Having a teenager is fun because the voice in my head that questions everything I do now has a friend
I had an unsettling dream. Someone came into my house and placed my Precious Moments figurines in compromising positions.
Twitter is where you ask an actual question for help & get nothing but stars yet you tell a joke with a question mark & everybody answers.
My 8 yo daughter’s idea of cleaning is sitting in front of the fridge and eating all the food.
[meeting a girl at the bar]
ME (nervously cracking every knuckle): hi I’m brandon
GIRL: please let go of my hands