Whenever I leave a fancy restaurant I tell the people coming in “I recommend the squirrel”.
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I’ve made 2 terrible decisions in my life and they’re both outside throwing rocks at the new neighbors.
If you run out of pet names for your partner, just call them assorted baking ingredients: sugar, honey, cinnamon, vanilla, garlic powder, Montreal steak seasoning, butter, pumpkin.
Has this person in front of me ever used a drive thru?
– everyone
Has anyone checked Kate Middleton’s attic for a half-played game of Jumanji? I just don’t think we can rule anything out at this stage.
My plans for world domination will have to be put on hold while I try to open this package of batteries.
You should be able to twist the bottom of the pringles can to bring the chips to the top like a chapstick.
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I learned my first lesson at ninja school today: Do not wear corduroy pants.
Cellphones have two brightness settings: “dim” and “the messiah is back”
Mom said I should only date “a good man” and I was like HEAVENS TO BETSY I WISH I HAD KNOWN THIS PERTINENT INFORMATION BEFORE NOW.
My 6yo asks me the most random questions. Today he asked “who do you think is the most rememberalist in our family?” I’m not even the most understanderalist at the moment, but I’m definitely the most confusededist.
Facebook: losing friends.
Twitter: gaining friends
Instagram: gaining weight
Looking for a job on Craigslist. A guy wants to pay $150 to borrow a valid driver’s license to rent a car. What could possibly go wrong?
Her: how are you
Me: good
Her: you sure?
Me: yup
Her: you’re alright?
Me: yes..
Her: really?
Me:
Her: are y–
Me: people like you go missing
Throwing a baby shower isn’t actually that hard. For a start, it’s much lighter than a regular shower.
My toxic trait is skipping the cart at the grocery store thinking I only need a couple things and then getting to the checkout with 57 things precariously balanced on various parts of my body.
If you walk around eating a potato like an apple, no one will bother you.
17 asked if we owned a vacuum. I’m gonna need a minute
My boyfriend is so cute I decided to get another.
Sometimes your ankle takes a vacation while you’re walking.
My therapist insisted i try something new each week…
…so i haven’t paid her
Now we wait…
Girls are suckers for a sad story so I always told them about my dad leaving us on my 8th birthday. I leave out the part where he returned with my cake.
It wasn’t chocolate so…still sad.
[first date]
me: so, what’s your biggest fear?
her: snakes. i hate snakes
me: (whispering to the mongoose in my vest pocket): she’s the one
[being carried out of the zoo on a stretcher] not all hyenas are scared of the name Mufasa, I know this now
Being a Zombie doesn’t sound that bad. You don’t have a job and your entire day is spent looking for things to eat. Shit, I do that now.
Pirates invented the diving board but get no credit
Fellas, don’t feel like you can’t offer your wife cooking tips, even after she spends all day making a delicious home cooked meal. And it doesn’t hurt to throw in “That’s not how my mom used to do it”.
So is this super moon just, like, our mild-mannered regular moon that took off its glasses?
me: i love sleepovers
doctor: this isn’t a sleepover, you’re in the hospital
me: then why do I have this nightgown
doctor: that’s a hospital gown
me: truth or dare
doctor:
me:
doctor: dare
My 16 yr old has a mandatory sophomore Catholic school retreat that lasts 24 hours. No phones allowed. His argument against going, “I just can’t.”
Me, “It’s tradition. Even I did it. All your siblings did it. Nothing can stop it. Absolutely nothing. Period.”Coronavirus: LOL.