@shanethevein

Whenever I leave a fancy restaurant I tell the people coming in “I recommend the squirrel”.

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@ddsmidt

Adulthood is about being able to eat cookies for breakfast, but not doing it because you already ate all the cookies.

@Doughbvy

ME WHEN A NORMAL BUG IS ON ME: Eww.

ME WHEN A LADYBUG IS ON ME: Evening, Ma’am.

@onion_an

[1st day as criminal sketch artist]

Victim: He was blonde had blue eyes, he was about 6ft t….

Me: I’m gonna need a longer sheet of paper

@molly7anne

billionaires spent their money on sex crimes and polluting the ocean. such bullshit. with a billion dollars you could probably get Jeff Goldblum to tuck you into bed or have Stevie Nicks put a hex on you. billionaires are so stupid.

@Ideal_Victoria

Relax lady, I don’t want your husband.

I just want the sandwich he’s eating.

@TheMichaelRock

Sorry I shot your SUV but it’s deer season, I saw the antlers and I panicked.

@OhNoSheTwitnt

Dr: What are some of your hobbies?

“I like correcting factual inaccuracies in women’s jokes on Twitter”

Dr: (writing) Not sexually active.

@omgthatspunny

A hole has been found in the nudist camp wall. The police are looking into it.

@Rollinintheseat

I made fun of a guy for still having a Nokia phone. He threw it at me and knocked me unconscious.