Whenever I leave a fancy restaurant I tell the people coming in “I recommend the squirrel”.

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I liked watching squirrel soap operas unfold in my backyard right up until the damn neighbor cat murdered all the actors.


I want to die from natural causes like being murdered by a sunset.


Dads out on the dance floor just respecting the heck out of the fine craftsmanship of the wood and stain.


Buying a house is like “we have no way of knowing you’ll pay back this mortgage of £500 a month”
“I’ve been paying my landlord £1000 a month”
“Why can’t you save up £25000 to reassure us you can afford £500”
“Because I’ve been paying my landlord £1000 a month”


Mom: What is taking so long?!

14 year old boy in the bathroom: DEBATE PREP


“The old lady I see in the park every day has had her house raided.”
“Sniffer dogs?”
“No, I usually just say good morning to her”.


Is rage cooking a thing? It should be, it’s happening right now.

Who wants 16 twice baked potatoes?


ME: My dog’s so happy I’m working from home.
DOG (to camera): Honestly, a heads up would have been nice. I had shit planned today.