Whenever I leave a public bathroom I fold the toilet paper into a fancy triangle to class the joint up
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Find someone more giddy with excitement than my husband who stopped the car between the Canada-US border to joke that we left the kids in another country
He’s eating a burger and fries all nom nom nom and I’m over here eating a salad all non non non.
I asked my wife what she wanted for dinner; she said “Surprise me”. So I broke a beer bottle across the counter.
I’m still very hungry.
Got kicked out of the gang for taking instant photos of the homies and calling them brolaroids
The average life expectancy for a human being is one life.
My 3yo nephew asked if he could marry me. I told him no because I already have a boyfriend. He thought for a bit and said, “But I have a scooter.” ❤️
i love that kanye gets into very specific beefs with ppl i have to google but he’s nice enough to say both their first & last name
If you’re a grown man walkin around with a winter hat that has animal ears I can tell that @ some point people used 2 take your lunch money
Me: I don’t have time for anxiety. I have so much to do before tomorrow.
Anxiety: Ha! Good one. You’re funny!
Me: Funny how?
Your baby might be adorable, but so is my cat and she cleans her own butt.
facebook is down where are we gonna keep all of our faces
*bunny hops to the smell of bacon cooking
Accidentally used AXE shampoo to wash my cat the other day and now he’s boxing strays and impregnated 17 dogs
Mom: If your friends all jumped off a bridge, would you…
Me: Be the one holding all their phones? Yeah, probably.
I’ve not watched The Traitors and to be honest it’s not as good as not watching Love Island
ME: it’s like we never see eye to eye
MY VESTIGIAL TWIN: lol that would be super weird
me, drunk, into the thermostat: alexa, how do i charge my milk when it’s at 2%?
My kid is having a rock sale at the park because ‘everyone sells lemonade but no one sells rocks’.
Son: [excited] dad, I just signed up for a triathlon
Dad: [sighing, doesn’t look up from newspaper] well let me know when you sign up for a winathlon
Pink has done surprisingly well as a solo artist ever since her and Floyd split up.
Me: Who called it a religious pilgrimage instead of a roamin’ Catholic?
Salesman: So, I’ll just assume you want the extended warranty.
*sees locks of hair on floor*
*looks at daughter*
*looks at American Girl doll*
“Oh, thank God, you cut your own hair”
As my grandma used to say, if a bear is sitting on your couch, you’ve drunk too much. If you’re not drunk, why aren’t you running?
IF SEAL IS BROKEN, PLEASE NOTIFY ZOOKEEPER IMMEDIATELY
Home Alone is my favorite movie about the inevitable homicidal tendencies that come from prolonged neglect.
so unrealistic when scary movies show an empty rocking chair rocking back and forth. there should be a pile of laundry on it
him: i like athletic girls
me [dips oreo in milk]: check out this sweet dunk
him: not like that
[watches you eat my bday cake]
“I’ve poisoned that.”
“Haha very [clasps chest & begins panting] w-with what?”
[leans in & winks]
“Poison.”
Woman on the mom forum wants to start a weekly play date club (good idea!) and another woman chimed in:
“Is it so you can steal information about women’s husbands so you can cheat with them, like how you cheated with mine?”
And now my Sunday just got MUCH more interesting!
Me: Would you bring me the mattress cover off your bed?
Son: *looks puzzled* The what?
Me: The mattress cover. The quilted looking sheet.
Son:
Me: The final boss sheet at the bottom.
Son: Oh that.