Whenever I left a door open, my mum would ask if I was born in a barn, which is odd because you’d think she’d remember something like that.
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Che: “Why do you want to participate in this guerrilla war?”
Me: [picturing myself leading an army of gorillas into battle] “Independence.”
Im sorry, but that car does not have 5 doors. It’s 4 doors. No one is climbing in through the boot.
If the sprayer in the sink can’t get it off and the dishwasher can’t get it off then I assume it’s just meant to be a part of the pan.
What’s Biden’s plan to make bloggers post the recipe at the beginning of the post instead of at the end
Yay it’s payday!
*pays bills
That was short lived.
“Ho ho oh my God I can’t stop giggling!” -Santa Claus, after eating cookies in homes across Canada
ME: *falls off the wagon*
THE REST OF MY CARAVAN ON THE OREGON TRAIL: Phew. Finally.
I’ve reached that age where I don’t have to drink to forget because it just happens naturally now.
If a puppy stabbed me in the face and stole my car, I’d still be like, “aww.”
Someone called their dog “ugly” and I was not even prepared to fight a stranger today.
[The Cheesecake Factory]
*looking at menu*
Alan Rickman voice: Turn to page 394.
This chicken is so moist, what is your secret?
I squeeze a little KY Jelly into its cavity before heating.
Dating tip: don’t mention your time as a Boy Scout, let your sash full of badges do the talkin.
Realtor: This house has a great location
Me: But what’s the square doggage?
Realtor: What
Me: *rubbing my temples* How many dogs can it fit?
“Alexa, make a clapping noise so the lights turn on”
(to kid at lemonade stand) i ain’t buying shit until i find you on yelp
The part in Temple Of Doom where she reaches in the hole full of bugs, but me reaching into a pot of cold water in the sink to grab a fork.
You know who the real winner is today? The guy who sells “I voted” stickers.
If you fall asleep long enough the steering wheel gives you a pillow.
Server: would you like some freshly grated Parmesan?
Me: yes, please! *opens purse*
“I feel like I got off on the wrong foot.” – Star of a foot fetish flick criticizing his performance
Ok, all you people who adopt dogs and put “who rescued who?” stickers on your car… you drive me crazy!
Clearly it’s “who rescued whom?”
ACME gave a credit card to Wile E. Coyote with no credit history, just so he could capture a bird. This is why banks need to be regulated.
6 pack abs on a guy are nice but it probably means that he won’t get drunk & rob a convenient store of cheese curls w/me at 3am, so no.
Not just pizza, pineapple also belongs in spaghetti & meatballs
My monster costume for Halloween’s just going to be whispering, “better hope it’s not the poisoned one,” to kids when I hand out candy.
I am fairly well educated, but not ‘knows every nuance of the English language’ educated.
I also have no idea what ‘nuance’ means.
My 4yo just came up to me and said “daddy, there are some things you don’t know” and then walked away. I don’t know if I should be offended or frightened.
Okay, raise your hand if you put raisins in your oatmeal cookies.
Great. Now, make a fist with that hand & punch yourself in the face.