Whenever I left a door open, my mum would ask if I was born in a barn, which is odd because you’d think she’d remember something like that.
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me: how old is your baby?
her: 46 weeks
me, struggling w/the math: may i offer him a beer?
Me: what are we doing today
Trainer: let work on your forearms.
Me: but I only have 2
T: What?!?
Me: *whispers* I only have 2?
At my age getting lucky means having the house to myself
Magneto spent his high school years dating girls with braces.
DOCTOR: *holding $5 bill* what’s this for?
ME: it’s a tip
DOCTOR: okay, but you still need to lose weight
ME: *hands him $20 bill*
My husband brought home an all vegetable pizza for dinner so that I could “kickstart” a diet. To be honest, he would have been better off bringing home a girlfriend.
I’m sorry, we can’t hire you. But your background check was hilarious.
People who say having a dog is nothing like having kids have obviously never been to one of my dog’s piano recitals.
ME: How are you?
“I can’t complain”
ME: Maybe you’re not trying hard enough
The secret to making a good egg is the way you ap-poach it.
*a man in the audience has a stroke and dies from being so angry at this joke*
ME: i want the ad to say “for sale: baby shoes, never worn”
AD GUY: oh wow that’s so sad
ME: totally. they’re so cute but my feet were just too big
Stop hating yourself for everything. Be specific.
I trained my dog to shake for a treat and now he works the room like the groom at his reception.
[avengers trailer drops]
ME: ok wow everyone needs to relax a bit geez
[john wick trailer drops]
ME: EVERYONE SHUT UP KEANU AND HIS DOG ARE IN DANGER
Bouncer: ID please
Me: I got socks for Christmas
Bouncer: …okay
Me: and I’m genuinely happy about it
Bouncer: so sorry come on in
Do one thing every day that scares your psychiatrist
Son: Did you know Alligators can live 100 years?
Me: Must be why you’ll see them later.
“Okay, try putting it in reverse.”
[creating the Octopus]
Angel: How about a spider in a wetsuit?
God: Weird but I like it. Make it edible.
“where do you see yourself in-“
i’m just tryna make it through the day bro
(To the guy at urinal next to me) You’re doing the right thing. Going here and not in your pants
Just watched a dog chase its tail for 10 min., thought “damn so easily entertained” then realized I watched a dog chase his tail for 10 min.
CEO: We will be taking the company photo a fourth time, because it came out blurry AGAIN.
Loch Ness Monster: *sweats, adjusts fake mustache*
No one ever prepares you for the moment you find out the song you really like is Justin Bieber.
Me: This dating app doesn’t send me any good matches.
Friend: That’s an Etch-A-Sketch.
The full recap of tonight’s events can be heard on my wife’s podcast, “What kind of idiot doesn’t cover the chili before microwaving it?”
My kids will be late to school even if we lived inside the school
There are only a few more shopping days left until your loved ones find out how little you understand them.