Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

TSA Agent (looking at my ID): Is this you?
Me: I believe that is ultimately your decision to make sir.

Welcome to Bed Bath & Beyond, here’s your gun, shoot anything that comes out of the Beyond

on this day in 2001 my roommate picked up the phone and canceled at 93% my Napster download of Ms. Jackson by Outkast that had been going for 11 hours

*orders pepperoni pizza*

Her: you need to start taking better care of yourself.

*calls back, adds mushrooms*

I ate a shepherd’s pie for lunch. He was pretty upset about it.

A backlit photo is a fun way to find out that you need to start plucking your chin

wife *comes running out of the bedroom* Kill it! Kill it!
me *runs in*
wife: Did you get it!?
me [has no idea wtf she’s talking about] Yep

If Fitbit hired the owl from Duolingo we’d all be so buff

He’d keep us in line

Me at 10 pm: lets brush my teeth so that I don’t eat unnecessarily

Me at 10.10 pm: dang it

I changed my phone ringtone to the doorbell sound bc I don’t answer that either.

*brings elephant to knife fight
*nobody talks about it

Close the door.
You’re letting the wifi out.

Is one of the steps in the P90X workout to tell everyone on Facebook that you’re doing it?

you: let’s get this bread

j.d. salinger, an intellectual: let’s catch this rye

[Swims out to Sea]
*sees shark*
OH NO!
*dolphins save me*
Thanks dolphins!
*dolphins ask for a tip
[I’m broke]
*they return me to the shark*

My spirit animal is an upturned turtle.

*me, as an uber driver*

oh dang, the gps is saying the fastest route is through this burger king drive through lane

You can have a good day with your teen or you can ask them to dress warm, you cannot have both

Dogs naturally form packs, and if left undisturbed, will teach themselves how to play poker

Please help my husband and I decide on dinner. We’ve narrowed it down to “It doesn’t matter” and “It’s your turn to choose”.

What base is it when she says, “I saw a box of fish sticks and thought of you”?

Alway be nice to anyone that has full unhindered access to your toothbrush.

You’re either part of the problem or the entire problem.

TOP 5 USES FOR APPLES:

1. creating sin
2. inventing gravity
3. keeping doctors away
4. shooting off of a child’s head
5. pie

When I was 16, my parents sat me down to give me “the talk” about professional wrestling.

Wonder Woman is in theaters June 2nd. But if you want a sneak preview, watch Sally Yates’ performance in front of the Senate.

Shout out to hotel maids changing sheets on February 15th.

Trevor eventually flunked out of dentistry school

[1st day as a detective]

me: a vampire did it

partner: sorry?

me: no garlic here, means the victim couldn’t defend himself from a vampire

partner: what? that’s not how u investig- ok, there’s no raid either, so what, does that mean-

me: hmm ur right, it could have been ants

I’m scared of the pesticides on this produce, so I guess I’ll run them under cold water for half a second