whenever I look up and see a security camera, I like to imagine there’s a guy in some secret control room somewhere in europe who calls his boss on his little headset and says “we’ve got him, sir. he just entered the south hall at the chipotle on main street”
#Caturday
Listening to my husband’s gorilla snoring and contemplating if I could record it and sell to the FBI as an alternative to waterboarding.
Music takes practice. Before they were Duran Duran they had to Duwalk Duwalk.
Wife: He only hears what he wants to hear…
Therapist: Is this true?
Me: She’s right. Space Jam is the greatest movie of all time.
Me: *gazes into his eyes*
Him: *sweats*
M *winks*
H: I’m kinda uncomfortable
M: But this is love
H: It’s my job to fill liquor orders, ma’am
Gandhi fasted for weeks and remained peaceful. I go three hours without eating and I’m yelling at dust.
My cat has been looking up at the corner of the ceiling and hissing at it for the past 30 minutes in other news I just put my house up for sale.
So now I’m told that when cats bring in dead mice, they aren’t “trophies”, but a critique on your own ability to hunt and feed yourself. Which is a bit rich from an an animal that gives it the big leg rub when it fancies a pouch of salmon & herring, the grifting whiskery pricks.
*Biden climbs tree*
“Joe, you better get outta that fuckin tree.”
*Obama revs chainsaw*
I’m not dumb Barack. That’s way too heavy to throw.
Wrote a tweet that said “Pizza is never divided by politics.” Was about to hit send.
Then I remembered pineapple .
I’m not saying boys make things harder and messier than girls but I watched my son make a root beer float last night pouring the root beer in first so I’m not not saying it.
Me: just running to the store, who cares what I’m wearing
Also me: runs into everybody I know
Men pick a hairstyle at 15 and call it good until baldness or death.
Bigfoot’s whole body is big. he should be called Bigbody
Dang I didn’t make it to the gym today! That makes 5 years in a row
ladies, imagine this: its 15 years from now. u did it. your time machine worked
If I wake up at 4:30, I’ll have 2 uninterrupted hours to exercise, clean and make a healthy breakfast.
*sets alarm for 6:30*
If I saw somebody eating a taco like that, I would slap that taco out of that hand.
Just saw a sign in a car saying “Baby On Board”
That’s no way to run a business, is it?
Presumably it’s a non-executive role.
{abducted by aliens}
Hey guys…what’s your wi-fi password?
Enough is enough. It is time for Sea World to step up and finally do something about the horrible whale who splashes everyone
Saint West, the patron of selfies
Each time my husband yells for the Warriors an angel (me) uses his credit card.
me:*pulls chair out for date*
her: such a gentleman
my mom: *from back of restaurant* YOU’RE DOING GREAT HONEY! JUST LIKE WE PRACTICED!
My boss accused me of sticking my finger in his BD cake in the break room fridge, but he is completely wrong, it wasn’t my finger.
My signature move is getting drunk before anyone can ask me to be the designated driver.
If she boasts how adult coloring is therapeutic and has made her more tolerant and patient
Hide her markers
And wait…
You god damn morons. All these celebrity nudes were leaked by the Illuminati to distract us from important shit like karate and hoverboards.
“This is the coolest underwater sci-fi movie ever.”
-me, drunk, watching the pool vac
I always have a cheap bottle of wine in the house in case any family visit.
