whenever I look up and see a security camera, I like to imagine there’s a guy in some secret control room somewhere in europe who calls his boss on his little headset and says “we’ve got him, sir. he just entered the south hall at the chipotle on main street”
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Spider-Man
Spider-Man
Does whatever a spider can
Spins a web
Any size
Catches thieves
Eats those guys
Hey wait
Don’t do that Spider-Man
Judge: You’re out of order!
Lawyer: This whole court room is out of order!
*I burst in*
Me: THE VENDING MACHINE IN THE LOBBY IS OUT OF ORDER
Just got unfollowed by exorcist scary looking lady with crazy eyes who has “will get in cars with strangers” in her bio. I’m hiding……..
Happiness is a warm puppy.
The opposite of happiness is a warm public toilet seat.
No pants were worn during the making of this tweet.
How to Talk To A Woman Who Is Hiding Behind That Plant. Now She’s In The Alley. Wow, She’s A Fast Runner. How To Talk To The Police.
Croc store. Rooster walks in.
Salesman: How may I help you?
Rooster: A Croc or two will do.
Establish dominance at your in-laws by continuing to eat that piece of fruit even though you didn’t know it was plastic.
a woman wished me a “happy resurrection” today except i forgot what day it was so i got a little worried for a minute
How come it’s called an “engagement ring” and not kneel diamond?
ME: No Officer, I swear I’m not high
CAT: For the last time, I’m not a cop, and cats can’t talk
ME: Whew! In that case I’m high af
CAT: Busted! *flashes badge* Undercover Cat Cop strikes again!
meow wolf is doing a brand partnership with our local version of chipotle and they’ve got a tie-dye tortilla for burritos so I ordered it, why not. I haven’t stopped laughing since I unwrapped it because it looks like it’s covered in mold
I always wanted to be just like Flo Rida. That’s why I changed my name to “New Ham Sure”
Do you ever eat an individual-sized bag of chips and wonder what kind of “individual” only eats seven chips?
Her: I need a funnel
Me: well that narrows it down
him: what did you do all day?
*steps aside to reveal 12 cats taped together*
Me: it’s a purrrramid!
PSA: If you end your meeting early, you let the people go. you don’t say “lets use this extra time to chat and catch up”. i don’t want to, kevin. i want to not be here.
My love language is deader than Latin
Ancient Greek mathematician Archimedes is known as the Father of Math, or as I like to call him, Math Daddy.
The vet said he can’t prescribe my imaginary horse anymore ketamine.
Ancient cryptic thrice-translated self-contradictory texts are the best way to convey moral precepts.
I’m gonna tell my kids these were the Avengers
Me: I know every word of the Golden Girls theme song!
Job interviewer:…and a weakness?
Me: I made this belt out of herbs
Her: why?
Me: oh, just waisting some thyme
Boy, was I disappointed when I found out canoodling doesn’t involve actual noodles.
Coronavirus and Animal Crossing is like that one summer with Pokémon GO but like…..opposite.
BREAKING: Hillary Clinton concedes election to Donald Trump, saying “I just can’t see how I can win after Scott Baio endorsed Trump.”
Taco Bell is no longer going to be offering kids meals. Probably because kids are rarely drunk enough to want Taco Bell.
Nailed it!👇🏻🤣🤣😆
*I throw my hat into the ring*
Oh you wanna fight do ya?
*I throw my pants into the ring*
Pal this is gettin’ weird
*I throw my skin into th