Whenever I lose my mind, I always look
for it in the refrigerator first
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Me: my wife says I never pay attention
Wife: I said alimony, but add attention to the list
presenting your incognito window wrapped
Kids: the floor is lava!
Me: *slowly rolls off couch*
Always a bridesmaid, never the Brideslord, summoning the nation’s brides to war with a mighty blast of the brideshorn.
I hate spelling errors
You mix up two letters and your whole tweet is urined
All day: I’m so tired I could cry
12:30 am: Not only should I write a musical, I should do it right now
Trump: 🎶 Do you wanna build a snowman? 🎶
Elsa: Who will pay for this snowman?
Trump: 🎶 Ok byeee 🎶
“Don’t stop, don’t stop! Oh god, PLEASE DON’T STOP.” – me to the server grating cheese over my pasta plate
If you ever get chased by a pack of taxidermists…
Never, ever, play dead.
Some people age like wine, others age like milk.
“I’m not contagious anymore”
– Guy who’s about to make you sick
*pours wine*
*sprinkles rose petals*
*dims lights*
*puts on Barry White*
*lights candles*
*burns incense*
*arranges scented oils*
*opens private tab in browser*
People make the mistake of keeping aubergines in the fridge, when in fact they should be kept in the bin
“It’s fine. I’ll get over it.”
TRANSLATION: I will remember every detail of what you did until I draw my last mortal breath.
I’m going to clean *the house
*my glasses
Thanks, spell check, that’s what I meant: Edgar Allen Pie.
When my tween pisses me off I like to blow off steam by taking my pet modem for a walk.
Humankind: *evolves sophisticated language skills over thousands of years*
Guys talking to women online: Hey
Onion rings…
Onion rings…
Onion rings…
Onion rings…
Onion texts: Please answer baby. Let me make this right.
Yes, my kid will do the required amount of maths homework for a 6yo… when he has kids and they turn 6.
Cyber Monday is probably my favorite holiday to get paid to do my Christmas shopping at work.
*KNOCK KNOCK* OPEN UP ITS THE POLICE
“What do you want?”
YOU’RE UNDER ARRES-
“No.”
..NO??
“No, I don’t want to be.”
*whispers* Shit now what
There should be a tv game show where couples have to scroll through every streaming service looking for something they both want to watch and if time runs out, they get divorced.
Tinder: Meet people within a few miles
Twitter: Meet people within a few thousand miles
People use the term lab rat pejoratively even though there is probably no finer life than one dedicated to solving puzzles and eating cheeses.
Wow, the CIA making jokes on Twitter shows they’re just as human as any other bunch of guys who kidnap people and torture them in secret.
I’m not allowed to use the credit card anymore, last month I bought 43 falcons
3am
Brain: What if all cats are named Meow and all dogs are named Woof and they’re just correcting us when we call them by the names we gave them?
*pulled over by cop*
Cop: Did you know that your tags are expired?
*tags cop*
Me: You’re it!
Cop:
Me running away: Renewed!