Whenever I lose my mind, I always look
for it in the refrigerator first
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My 4-year-old has a tummyache and before she went to bed she asked how you get the egg out of your body, so that’s how I found out she’s spent her whole life thinking we get tummyeggs when we don’t feel well.
What do you mean I overthink things (as I wonder if I hurt my dog’s feelings by liking cat videos on Instagram)?
Groom: Dude, the invitation was for Gandalf the Grey.
Gandalf: Oh, it’s Gandalf the White now.
Bride: [fuming]
Gandalf: [looks fabulous]
I applied for a government job today and accidentally sent the wrong resume. This early display of incompetence should work in my favor.
I dropped my ice cream cone on the ground and it landed pointy end up which made the Earth, at least for a moment, one giant topping.
Nothing says “I love you mom” like my 6yo asking me who gets my iPad when I die.
Guys, I found it.
why do people get so upset about bad haircuts. name one other problem that resolves itself quietly over time while you wait
Phones down.
I have never related to anyone more.
look at me when i’m typing to you
Everyone’s a badass until Mufasa dies.
Note to self: placing a cup to capture the coffee coming out of the coffee maker makes for a better start to the morning..
“Don’t take this wrong but…”
Me: Ima stop you right there. I hate you just the right amount.
Please don’t ruin it.
[First date]
Her: I like bad boys.
Me: *trying to impress* I have it on Blu-ray.
Gummy vitamins for dads called Dadgummit.
God never gives you more than you can handle. But I’m not God. I’m just a bag boy. And you’ll wanna take these groceries out in the cart.
imagine being one of those monkeys climbing a tree after living in a cage, bet it blew their little monkey minds
Cop: Hey U!
U: who, me?
Cop: no the other 1!
1: who, me?
Cop: both of U!
W: who, us?
Cop: Yes you!
U: Who, me?
Cop: No!
No: yes?
Some random person just tilled my and my neighbors’ garden sometime during the night.
I’m afraid we’re dealing with a serial tiller.
Team leader: This is a do or die situation.
Me: It absolutely is not.
Roadtrip thread:
We made it 2.8% of the way to our destination before being asked when we were gonna be there.
This video (reduced to a 17 second gif) created by British psychological professor Richard Wiseman demonstrates the power of perspective in creating illusions. It’s titled, “Assumptions”
You know how people play video games by pushing all the buttons at once?
That’s how I’m handling adulthood.
Two submissives sitting in a tree.
N O T H I N G
NASA just received data from 47-year old Voyager 1, which is 15 billion miles from earth. My daughter, who is 34 and lives six miles from me, still hasn’t returned my text.
My best acting work to date? has 2 be yesterday when I realized I was walking the wrong direction so I pretended to get a text message that changed EVERYTHING and FORCED me to turn around and walk the other way.
[before sex]
HER: did you bring protection?
ME: heck ya I did *slowly reaches into back pocket and pulls out nunchucks*
Is this a threat?
*raises visor on knight helmet* Define “silly purchases,” Cheryl