Whenever I lose my mind, I always look
for it in the refrigerator first
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[50 YEARS FROM NOW]
Homemade hand sanitizer, just like Mama used to make.
If you’re feeling down, just think of the person for whom your ex is a step up, and be grateful.
the last time how i met your mother was on netflix i binge watched it instead of going to class and almost got kicked out of college. its dangerous! beware!
I put my phone in airplane mode and it tried to sell me a tiny can of tonic water for £2
ADAM: [rummaging through a pile of leaves] EVE, HAVE YOU SEEN MY WORK CLOTHES, HONEY?
Some people stay longer in a toilet than in a relationship.
Chopsticks are perfect for when you want to drop your food twice on its way to your mouth.
No Auto-correct, I never meant “Relationship Goats”.
I fail to see how his relationship status is of any relevance
sooo many straight people never talk to their exes and sooooo many queer people are like “this is my ex-girlfriend we share custody of our dog Skippy she’s the godmother of my children oh and also we own a bar together”
Overheard at the mall: “It’s 70% off plus another 30% off… that’s 100% off!”
turns out I don’t want a boyfriend, I just want a duet partner to sing the guy’s part in “Little Talks” by Of Monsters and Men. sorry for the confusion
A white American told me I shouldn’t call myself “British” because brown people aren’t native to Britain.
A white American
White. American.
Holy crap! This coin looks old as hell!
*checks the date*
It’s 15 years younger than me.
I can find Waldo faster than I can find the bread bag twist tie I just set on the kitchen counter.
Drive it like you stole it, by driving cautiously and observing all applicable traffic laws to avoid further incidents so as to not attract unwanted scrutiny.
[First date]
Him: What’s your favorite dish?
Me: The one that holds the most food.
The most unrealistic thing about Warrior Cats isn’t the talking cats it’s their names. I’ve been around feral cats; they wouldn’t call themselves Stormheart or whatev. More like: “I am called Lord Orange. Here are my finest warriors: Orange, Orange & Also Orange.”
I drank my recommended amount of water today, yay!
Okay, well there was some vodka mixed in every cup, but still.
god!! did anyone stop by your house and drop off your award for having that opinion earlier than most people?
my love language is feeding you rotisserie chickens with my bare hands at 4am while you’re asleep.
ME: I found a genie today
WIFE: that’s wonderful, I have some great ideas for wishes
ME: *looking at brand new unopened copies of Shrek 1, Shrek 2, and Shrek 3* I can’t wait to hear them
We should have 12 presidents, one from every zodiac sign
Nobody remembers you winning the 4th grade award for ‘Best Penmanship’, but everyone remembers the one time you called the teacher “mum”.
The Proclaimers claim they would walk 500 miles, only offering 500 more after the fact simply to exceed predetermined expectations.
Vanessa Carlton, on the other hand, offers the full 1000 miles up front in one lump sum, even AFTER making her way downtown.
In this essay, I will
Makes a girlfriend in IIT. Breaks up with her. Adds Ex IITian in bio.
[field sobriety test]
cop: stand with one foot off the ground and count 1001, 1002, and so on until I say stop
flamingo: oh hell yeah
Me: Got any more of those debbled eggs?
Friend: Did you just say DEBBLED eggs?
Me: No, I said the right thing…
*wakes up*
*looks at clock*
8:00
*brushes teeth*
*looks at clock again*
8:30*gets to work*
*looks at clock*
9:00
*comes out of a 2 hour meeting*
*looks at clock again*
9:05