Whenever I lose my mind, I always look
for it in the refrigerator first
You Might Also Like
I convinced my spouse we needed more “security” but mostly I wanted a video doorbell on our backdoor so I could watch live streams of our dogs all day.
Hilarious now that anyone thought it was a plot hole that after the events of Jurassic Park that people would dare
A) Re-open the park
B) Be eager to visit the re-opened
Park
A man walked by me at the grocery store and said, “are you talking to the soup cans?” And I was like, “sorry, soup cans, I have to answer this idiot.”
After my kid listened to that song on repeat for 3 hours, I’m pretty sure the fox said I should take a xanax.
I love how my husband cuts all the bearded dragon’s food up into itty bitty pieces, like that’s how he finds it in the wild.
two people had sex in the 80s and now I gotta pay bills, hydrate, and hate myself???
I have a great story to tell u.
“Why don’t u just go write a book”
Wow, that’s-
“Don’t u dare say it-”
a novel idea.
“I’m moving out”
Story of my life…..
I never realized just how much of parenting is surreptitiously throwing away artwork.
Maybe print wouldn’t be dying if they still employed tough dirty children to yell at me to read all about it
I tried that whole “if you love something, set it free” thing but my kids are still here.
me: *nervously* will he feel anything while you’re operating?
car mechanic: no
what if i hugged you really tight and then loosened my grip slowly and then told you your blood pressure is 140/90
I KEPT MY CAPS LOCK ON WHEN I SEARCHED RECIPES FOR DINNER TONIGHT AND NOW GORDON RAMSEY IS IN MY KITCHEN
[cat diary day 2]
ok the guy just came and stole my poop again wtf
Seeing a woman drinking, smoking, and gambling while in her wedding dress makes me realize I need to up my multi-tasking game.
Imagine me naked.
Wrong. Fatter.
Just said “No you can’t have an apple because you’ll spoil the pizza that’s being delivered very soon.”
I shouldn’t be allowed to parent.
Cake!!
When you swallow a spider in your sleep, eat some dead flies the morning after to ensure the spider gives you a positive Trip Advisor rating
Watching your childhood favorites as an adult really makes you wonder, “What the hell were my parents thinking?”
One of the fake rooms at Ikea should just be a couple fighting as they try to put the furniture together
Somewhere on a windy pasture under this moon there’s a barbed wire fence I left more of myself on than I realized.
the one time i draw them and of course it’s a meme
We made fun of recipe bloggers for including stories but now online recipes are actual hell. It used to be a cute story about a trip to Italy but now you have to search through “17 techniques for chopping garlic” and “8 tools you could use for garlic chopping (Amazon links included)” and 12 ads to MAYBE find the recipe.
Unless you have stellar reflexes, throwing a bouncy ball at your spouse during an argument is not the best choice.
Teen daughter: What? Why are you looking at me that way?? You’re all squinty and judgy.
Me: I just took my contacts out.
I bought a second scale to weigh my first scale so I can show it how it feels.
If my bird identification app can’t pick up a bird I’m trying to identify because your lawn mower is too loud, I’ll drive my car through the side of your house.
Marriage may be hard but at least you don’t have to wear heels to the pumpkin patch anymore.