Whenever I make a list of chores I always add one or two tasks that I have already accomplished so that I can experience the immediate satisfaction of crossing them off.
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keep your friends close but your smartphone closer
My husband gets me to scream his name by doing his signature move of not leaving any toilet paper in the bathroom.
At Starbucks:
It’s Bryan with a “y”
(3 minutes later)
“Venti Iced Vanilla Latte for Briany!”
Bad: I saw my girlfriend’s name and number on a couple of men’s bathroom walls..
Worse: It was in her handwriting…
1978 was all about running home when the street lights came on and dressing in the closet so my Shaun Cassidy posters didn’t see me naked…
It was Timothy’s second week undercover, and frankly, he was getting absolutely nowhere.
My favorite part of meal prepping all of my lunches for the week on Sunday is that then I have an easy way to eat all five of those lunches before noon on Monday.
When life hands you a komodo dragon suddenly the times you got lemons seem pretty cool.
The lack of paparazzi at this BBQ makes me think that my aunt can probably stop referring to her potato salad as “famous.”
I AM dressing for the job I want (I want to be a sweatpants model)
My ultimate goal in life is to open a milkshake shop & call it “The Yard”
i think the scariest thing about entering the witness protection program would be my new astrological sign
So many brave flute players were killed by cobras in picnic baskets before one of them tried an Indian song.
That moment when you gently throw your phone onto your bed and it decides to bounce off 3 walls, hit a lamp, and kill your dog.
A woman on TV just said the great thing about cupcakes is you can make them with your kids.
Well, I still prefer flour, butter, sugar and eggs
Today was amazing. I actually had meaningful conversations with my teenagers. We discussed world events, we made eye contact, we truly communicated. I felt so blessed. Like a really good parent.
Then I heard one of them ask, “Is Instagram back up yet?”
It used to be a 5-second rule before doggo here whittled it down to 2 seconds
I just walked into the living room to find my daughter teaching the family cat to play Cards Against Humanity. I think we’ve run out of ways to pass the time.
My daughter still doesn’t understand this math problem even though I’ve explained it in several different frustrated tones.
I never understood why that family in Poltergeist stayed in the house after all the crazy shit they went through. But then again, here we all are, for some reason still on Twitter.
Oh, I shouldn’t worry? Why didn’t I think of that?
Ke$ha looks like a character I would select in Mortal Kombat
Are dog catching nets real or just lies taught to us by Big Cartoon
[driving]
ME: omg i need to go to the bathroom really badly
WIFE: ok we’re almost home
ME [panicking]: no, pull over to that mcdonalds!
[i run in]
ME: gimme two big macs fast, i gotta get home to pee
Brit friend: Ugh. Brexit is a disaster. How are things over there?
Me: We”re in a ketchup war with Canada.
February 2020 – *looks at phone to check the date*
April 2020 – *looks at phone to check what day of the week it is*
Early to bed, early to rise makes a man healthy, wealthy and still want to take a nap by noon.
chik-fil-a employee: It Would Be My Dying Wish To Serve You, Great Lord
me: I just want some nuggets man
cfa employee: I Would Die For You
mom: you waste your money on stupid stuff
me: you’re right. btw how’s that panini press working out?
mom:
me: making a lot of paninis with that thing?
god: who wants a bear?
usa: I want a black one
arctic: white for me
china: can I get a swirl