Whenever I meet a new baby, I stand still and let it come up to me and smell my hand first before I try to pet it
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The only equipped I am is ill.
Ever noticed how pears in a paper bag always seem to be ripe all together at once? This is because they easily succumb to pear pressure.
King sized beds are tricky. Although you get more bed room, you also get less bedroom.
ME: we have a problem, i’m out of beer
HER: it’s ok i don’t drink
ME: ok we have 2 problems
ME [licks finger to turn page of the book I’m reading]
WIFE: You’re ruining that Kindle
Wife: The kids made you these cakes for Father’s Day! What do you think of them?
Me: They’re awful. But at least they made me these cakes
I feel bad that I never predicted anything for the Mayans.
I stopped at a combination Taco Bell and gas station to eat and get gas. Pumps were down, but…mission accomplished.
Me: *delivering breakfast in bed*
Wife: OMG! What a nice surprise!
Me: Would you say it was uneggspected?
Wife:
Me: Omelette you eat now
Fun experiment: Go into any store and ask for “the big stupid looking guy” see who they bring you
My 6-year-old has recently decided his chicken wings need to be eaten with a fork & knife.
I told him to eat with his hands like usual since he was clearly struggling, and he said, “Mom, I’m older now. Why are you trying to make me eat wild? Like a wolf?”
Slicing my strawberry shortcake ice cream bar like it’s wagyu beef
Mantra at the gym:
When the zombies come, cardio will matter.
[grocery store seized by terrorists]
“Not today”, I say, tearing the label from a tube of Poppin’ Fresh Dough and rolling it down the aisle
“I wouldn’t wish that on my worst enemy ” well I would. Step aside
mom: why is your room always so messy
me: so that if someone comes in and tries to kill me, they’ll trip over something and die
changed my bio on bumble to “I’m gonna murder ur whole family” and guys still responded
It turns out when someone asks who your favorite child is, you’re supposed to choose from your own. I know that now.
My kids have eaten one bite out of everything in our refrigerator today.
Elton John: Mars ain’t the kinda place to raise your kids…
Neil Degrasse Tyson: [peers over newspaper]
Elton John: in fact it’s cold as hell
Neil Degrasse Tyson: [nods, goes back to reading]
what my roast potatoes see when they’re in the oven
The worst thing about being struck by lightning is knowing you deserved it
AISLE 7
– Chips
– Cookies
– Quackers
#DidYouKnow?
As I handed my dad his 50th birthday card he looked at me with tears in his eyes and said, “son you know one card would have been enough” . 😂🤣
“Then, the handsome prince sees her dead body laying there and has to kiss her.”
“Ummm, what?”
“Trust me, the kids will love it.”
[Crime scene]
Detective: the victim was high af when he died.. you could say it was
*takes off sunglasses*
D: blunt force trauma
ariana grande getting engaged to a non-famous person is really inspiring me to get engaged to a famous person
I’m a lot like a 3 legged table: I make dinner very uncomfortable
Where do I see myself in 5 years? May 2019. Next question.