Whenever I meet a new baby, I stand still and let it come up to me and smell my hand first before I try to pet it
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I’m aging like an avocado. By the time I finally noticed my prime it was too late.
UNNATURAL ~>Homosexuality
NATURAL ~> Virgins giving birth, talking snakes, dead coming back to life, walking on water.
Confused yet?
*God inventing raccoons*
God: Hehe.. this’uns my lil bandit
Dude, u ok?
God: Ima give him a lil mask
Get some sleep
God: He’ll rob stuff lol
In honor of the eclipse, I will also get in the way of someone brighter than me.
Instagram dude: If you’re like me, and are OBSESSED with French food when it gets cold out…
Every other person alive: Wut?
“Single use consumables are destroying the planet,” I yelled at her as I tossed another condom into the washing machine.
Them: just trust your gut
Me: the one full of chocolate and coffee?
If it’s unimportant, I’ll remember it.
Him: Are you ready?
Me: *didn’t even know we were going anywhere* Um yeah almost.
I did not eat the cake…
1) Bake cake.
2) Don’t cut it into pieces.
3) Eat the whole thing.
4) Claim I ate “only one piece of cake.”
For Halloween my husband asked me to dress up as a nurse, cause that’s one of his fantasies: That we have health care.
“You run like you’re making fun of running.” -my brother
Police officer: You get to make one phone call.
Me: Do I have to?
Trainer: “ok, lets warm up 1st….wait, where are you going!?”
Me: “tanning bed”
“Lemme do a quick poop and I’ll be right with you.” – me working the deli counter
My bank assures me my money is safe with them, yet they keep their pens chained to desks and most of them are missing.
He was only called Mr Pepper until he published his groundbreaking research on fizzics.
[Limbo contest]
Everyone: *Chanting* How low can you go? How low can you go?
Me: I once stole a guide dog.
*Ordering Chinese Food
Vanilla Ice: I’ll have egg rolls and chicken fried rice rice baby
When buying a car, let the salesperson know you’ve done your research. What pedal does what, where the engine goes, etc.
Darth Vader: I killed three whole planets.
Thanos: I killed half the universe.
Voldemort: I uhh…almost killed this one kid like 7 times.
Everyone:
Voldemort: *shakes head sadly* stupid mother’s love.
Me: I like your Prince tattoo.
“It’s my mother.”
Me: Your mother is Prince?
Me: I hate Valentine’s Day
Some Random Guy: I hate it too
Me: 😍😍😍
Googling “best laundry hampers 2024” like I’m trying to keep current with the technology
A thoughtful Romcom about mansplaining called “Well, Actually”
My “Game of Thrones” is just me running around the mall looking for a clean toilet.
t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t
~ just dotting some i’s and crossing some t’s.
Someone told me carrots with dry ranch seasoning tastes like Doritos, do not tell me this pandemic didn’t mess with people’s minds. You know what tastes like Doritos? Doritos.
