Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[PRESS CONFERENCE]

Me: I’m going on the record. Yes, I’d go back in time to kill a baby

Reporter: you mean Baby Hitler?

Me: sure, whoever

i replaced babies in these pictures with hotdogs to show america what really matters

Romantically smoking a postcoital cigar from both ends with your lover like in Lady and The Tramp

Mid-flight turbulence is just god’s way of preforming confessions at scale

remembering the time i crashed an oscar watching party with a handful of TV people in los feliz and brought a tres leches cake as my offering to have one of the actors stand up and declare it was “DAIRY” with a measure of disgust

I said to my wife, ‘Hey, I really love these new furry condoms.”

‘Bob, that’s a cat.’

Drier than a bar of soap after a 7yo has “washed his hands.”

ME: I’m off to that meeting

BOSS: Forget something?

M: Yes! [kisses boss gently on forehead]

B: I meant your pen [whispers] but thank you

Apocalypse 101: Don’t befriend the cool looking guy with a bunch of guns. Go with the one who knows how to tie knots, and can tell which plants are poisonous.

“Does my uniform make me look fat?” -Insecurity guard

Exorcist came by. Says house isn’t possessed, just incredibly poorly built.

You know who the real winner is today? The guy who sells “I voted” stickers.

Give me a break, ouija board. I don’t need to know who was killed in this house. Just tell me how the murderer got away with it.

“What do we want?”
“A compilation album!”
“What shall we call it?”
“Now!”

Everybody was Feng Shui fighting, those cats improved my ambient lighting.

HER: what’s with all the finger pointing

ME [sharpening my other pinky]: tradition

There is a school auction tonight, but I don’t know if I’m ready to buy a whole school

My rapper name is Chick P cause I mostly just hum about us.

3yo (in his car seat): Mommy, I want you to cross you legs like a pretzel.
Me (driving): Can’t do that, honey.
3: Well, that’s just the way things are today.
Me: No, honey, I’m driving.
3: 🙄 MOMMY. I am doing it in the car. It is EASY!

This is every influencer giving “advice.”

I don’t get why someone would want the house in a divorce.

“your honor, I’d like to keep the building where my soul was sucked dry.”

Remember that great stick you found that one summer when you were a kid? You carried it everywhere. The bark worn smooth with constant handling. It made the perfect WOOSH sound when you swung it hard. It made you feel so strong.

Man, I wish they still made sticks.

“Would you like to volunteer for the plant sale?” the PTA mom asks brightly.
“I can’t, I kill plants.”
I lean in & whisper:
“On purpose.”

I’ve purchased a longer telephone cord so that I can remain on Neighborhood Watch and still talk to Fran.

I had a weird smell once…

A rodent crawled up under my car and got into the heat/air unit and died there.

I was trying to use my AC and blowing dead animal air at myself.

You know how long it takes to get rid of hot dead rotting rat smell?

3 months. Three

Me: The unstoppable march of time is what I fear most. Each year feels shorter than the last, and in no time at all I will be an old man on my deathbed, full of regret and impotent pleas for mercy.
Also me: wtf you mean it’s only Wednesday

Imagine having a cool ass name like Theodore, and then people just call you Ted.

I didn’t think a McDonald’s Happy Meal would fill me up, but it did…

OMG, I ATE THE TOY!

STUBBORN belly fat?

Is there any other type?

Remember the first day of school when you’d show up with your pencil case, your rucksack and your Flash Speed Mop?