Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

my new app automatically cuts wifi access to your teen’s phone if they are in the bathroom over 10min

I got out of bed this morning and decided it was time to turn it around. So, I did a 180 and went back to bed.

boba fett is short for robert fettuccine

This has got to be the Twitter exchange of the day.

found a twenty in my purse then channeled jesus and turned it into wine at the nearest liquor store.

A Roomba, but to shave my legs.

A coworker said “can you BE anymore annoying?”

So the next day I wore some tap shoes to work.

Parenting is great if you want to relive every moment from your childhood when your parents got mad at you – from your parents’ perspective.

Her: How would you describe that green sheep?

Me: I don’t know. Olive ewe?

Her: I knew you’d say it first! I love you too!

Entrapment 101

How it started How it’s going

If you all vote for Kanye, I’m packing up Canada and moving it to Australia.

THE INVENTOR OF HAND SANITIZER: who’s the paranoid one now huh, WHO’S THE PARANOID ONE NOW

The older I get, the more I lose my looks. But I’m also losing my eyesight, so it’s not my problem

Waiter: I’m sorry sir, we don’t have an appetizer called Jenga.

A bunch of termites in a trench coat: Then we..I mean I will have the salmon on the cedar plank, hold the salmon

shut up and take my money

Parents who are afraid that giving teenagers condoms will just ensure they have sex to use them have obviously never owned a bread maker.

I’ve been dressing all the chipmunks in my neighborhood up as lil miners but their tiny headlamps are making it too easy for owls to spot them this is a nightmare

“Mind control agents in chem trails sounds crazy? That’s EXACTLY what the govt wants”

Bride: I shouldn’t have let you write your own vows

“A clean desk is a sign of a cluttered drawer .”

Date *sitting on couch* I love scary movies

Me: ok but this is pretty dark, it’s about a boy plagued by haunted dolls

Date: Sounds good!

Me: The cowboy one is called Woody

Cyclists who think you’re both a car AND a pedestrian.

Explain yourselves.

Officer, this ticket says 1:59 am, but thanks to daylight savings, it’s now 1:00. So slow down, TimeCop, I haven’t committed the crime yet.

Guy: [strolling along] Well, at least I have my heal- *piano falls on his head*

Me: [leaning out my apartment window] Oh no! My piano!

ME: *turns around instead of wiping the steam off my bathroom mirror*

SERIAL KILLER BEHIND ME: okay wow way to ruin the moment

[Friend] Kyle, u have to stop referring to your Ballet Club as a “gang”
[Me & my gang all do 2 pirouettes and stop in unison] “Not a chance”

I’ve done 10 sit-ups today, I can’t take much more of this ab use.

I don’t need a home security system for my safety because as soon as someone breaks in and hears me moaning in the hallway from falling out of the bed, they’ll just turn around a leave.

“Follow me!”

Me: Don’t tell me what to do, ERIC!!!

(Me at an exercise class)

[making a friend at work]
Brain: Make it weird
Me: *thinking* No stop it
Brain: Say something weird
Me: Get out of here, you
Coworker: What?

Sometimes, when I’m washing my hair with coconut shampoo, I close my eyes and picture being on a remote tropical island, being cooked in a giant pot by canibals.