Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Body: ok sleepy time.

Brain: ok thinky time.

Once I get enough sleep and reduce my caffeine intake, it’s over for you twitches.

Reasons why my toddlers cried this week-

-I put a pillow back on the couch
-Our dog drank from her water bowl
-My wife took a shower
-I gave them the wrong color cups
-I asked them to not throw things at the wall

I went for a job interview.

The bloke asked, “Where do you see yourself in 10 yrs time?”

“Same as now – in photos and mirrors,” I replied

To the dude i just saw driving a beat up Ford mini van with spare tire and dream catcher on mirror: that dream catchers not working dude!

Most women need a little reassurance.

Like when she says “oh, you want to see crazy?” Reassure her that you do not.

Me: Threesome?
Wife: When pigs fly!

Do I wish for flying pigs?

Pro: Threesome
Con: High bacon prices

*has idea
*starts building catapult

MATH TEACHER: wanna come do the problem on the board?

ME: no

MT: i wasn’t asking

ME: if u were an english teacher you’d know that u were

If you give a man a fish, that fish is basically gone. Way to lose your fish

I just want to be as happy as a character in the first half hour of a horror movie

A solid knife fighting strategy is to move clockwise in increasingly larger circles until you reach a safe running distance.

Start calling divorces “incidents”

Level up on that intrigue

ME: Is it true, if you die in the Matrix, you die in real life?

USED CAR SALESMAN: Again, the Toyota Matrix is a very real car, and crashes can be fatal, yes

Stress balls work better if you have good aim.

Cooking a roast dinner is much better than having one cooked for you, because you can eat pretty much a whole extra serving while you’re making it. For instance, I just “tested” three roast potatoes. Next I’m going to test a Yorkshire pudding.

*Buys something from Amazon

*Tracks package from Amazon

*Gets delivery from Amazon

Me)I wonder what this is

-Babe, I can’t find the condom, what if we don’t use it?
-Sure, I’m ready to be a mother anyways.
-No, no. Look, I found it!

Mehh

~Goat, sighing..

I say elections should be decided with an old fashioned game of dodge ball.

Me: *brings a package inside*

4yo: What’s is in there? Is it toys?

Me: Just some bras.

4yo: Ugh! Someone keeps sending you bras.

[driving]

WIFE: gross, did you see the roadkill back there?

ME [scared]: did i see the road kill what?

– Whoa! Have you seen that big herd of bees outside?
– Not *herd* of bees.
– You’ve not heard of bees? They’re flying things with stings.
– I know, but it’s swarm!
– *sweating* I know, it’s boiling! But I’m not opening the window til that herd of bees has gone.

Heading to Lowe’s to pretend like I know wtf I’m doing.

When there are only 6 slices of pizza left and it seems kind of silly to wrap them up and put them in the fridge so you go ahead and finish them

When I see a piece of gum in the urinal, I think of how painful that piss must’ve been for that guy.

king: the gods are angry with us

advisor: let’s throw a virgin into a volcano

king: how would that hel—

advisor: [throwing steΦen in] help what

Clueless is my favorite movie about how rich people have real hard problems too

Anyone really

Magician: I’d like a volunteer to be cut in half

Me: I’ll do it

Magician: You’ll never love anyone as much as you did Emily

Me: *crying* He’s good

Wife: What