Whenever I mess up an experiment I just think of what a pigeon considers a successful nest
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Hey, have you two seen my Vodka? I left it right here?
Hi I’m an evil ghost with the ability to defy time & space, but I think the best example of my powers will be to slightly close this door.
I picked one hell of a year to stop drinking.
This flower shop also sells shirts at the front counter but the display is so large that you can’t see the florist for the T’s.
If snails are so slow, why don’t we ever see them coming? It’s just BAM, there’s a snail.
Fact: The best tuna fish salad recipe is the combination of ingredients that best covers up the taste of the tuna.
It’s on my to-do list.
A harried Japanese guy is ushering me to the starting blocks of the 400 meter sprint. Please help i dont want this. I am not fast
Why would I spend $5 on a bag of apples at the store when I can wear warm fall clothes in 88° weather and pay $36 for our family to pick them ourselves.
Customer service stopped recording my calls for training purposes. There’s nothing to be learned from that much profanity.
*calls out under the bed
Me: Are you still there?
Monster: Nope. Go to sleep.
Satisfied that he had all the ingredients he needed, Phineas moved on to the next big question – how to get it into the dog’s food.
My husband is going out of town for a week and I have some hot plans to get intimate with my *lover
*air fryer
a relationship should be 50/50. 50% donkey 50% dragon
why is there Head & Shoulders shampoo. who has hair on their shoulders. whos shampooing their shoulder hair. please come forward
My 6-year-old made me a necklace for mother’s day. She gave it to me yesterday on my birthday. She took it away from me before she went to bed so she could wrap it up and give it to me again for mother’s day. I like her style.
If pigs could fly it would make this pig catapult that I just built completely obsolete.
4-year-old: “Frozen” is on TV!
Me: We have it on DVD. And Blu-ray. And digital download.
4: Yeah, but this one is on right now.
They really missed the ball when they named it Gotham City instead of Wayne’s World.
Might start signing off emails with ‘well I hope you’re happy’
I bet there is a Home Alone script where the parents purposely leave for the airport without any of the kids.
I tucked my kids in last night and said, “See you in the morning!” and then we laughed and laughed. Saw them 16 more times before sunrise.
I bring giant stuffed animals into carnivals so when I walk around people will think that I am good at something.
Two certain individuals today proclaimed me the worst mom ever because I took them to the dentist.
I FORCED THEM TO HAVE TEETH. Like, OMG.
Doctor: I’m sorry but you’re not healthy enough for sex
Me: Hey man I have not been your patient for 3 years can you please stop calling me
Didn’t think I was that out of practice at parenting but then I went to put a friend’s one and a half year old in his car seat and it was like trying to stuff an octopus into a net bag.
YANKEE DOODLE: *sticks feather in his cap* This is called macaroni
YANKEE DOODLE’S FRIEND: Ok, cool. Listen man, everybody’s worried about u
fruit vendors are just vegan butchers.
About the only thing I’ve learned from playing Angry Birds is that the pigs could definitely benefit from a comprehensive revamp of their building codes which currently allow construction using unsecured masonry, glass, balloons, and boxes of TNT.
My dog went to the vet for a check up. they said they needed to get a pic for her profile.
I log into the portal to get results and THIS is what came up 😂
