Whenever I miss my ex I think about the things I didnt like about him… Like his hairy behind and his wife.
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[first day as tour guide on the moon]
Me: keep your hats on
Guy at the back: um they’re called helmets
Me: yeah you can take your hat off.
One time i saw a man eat a whole apple, core and everything. Motherboard and power supply too. The man ate a computer it was horrifying
When my girlfriend makes me angry, I look at her through the fork and pretend she’s in jail. It heals me spiritually
me: hi, can you tell me which is the bride’s side?
lawyer: guests are not allowed at divorce proceedings
“god I love doggy style” I say excitedly as I put a top hat and bow tie on my golden lab
INTERVIEWER: your resume says that you take things too literally
ME: how the hell did my resume say that?
[stands on other side of glass door & ruffles hair as everyone watches, then enters office]
Me: sorry I’m late, I hate this place & everyone here
Took my son fishing and as I was carefully baiting the hook he came up to me with a minnow he caught in a ziplock bag and said ‘daddy you’re trying too hard’.
It’s funny how Twitter dropped the egg avi and now people are using apps to smooth out their faces so much, they all look like eggs.
Sometimes when I’m sitting in a swivel chair, I’ll turn around quickly and smile and pretend I’m in the opening credits of a sitcom
me [pounding on my son’s locked bedroom door]: open up this instant! this is my house!
son: well actually you have a mortgage, so it’s the bank’s house. have someone from wells fargo come and tell me
me [to wife]: i knew we shouldn’t have gotten him those personal finance books
I want to be the kind of person who eats half a grapefruit for breakfast and runs every morning but I also want to be happy
The only way I’d see Taken 3 is if Liam Neeson gets kidnapped and his daughter has to rescue him
I’m sorry but when you call me ‘batshit crazy’ it’s almost starting to sound like you think it’s a bad thing!
[ cooking class ]
teacher: first, we’re going to sweat the onions
me: *uncomfortably close to cutting board* where were you on the night of june 22nd
Sometimes I wonder how vegans can survive off what little they can eat and then I remember they just feed off attention.
If your wife asks “would you like the fan turned on?” the only correct answer is get up and turn the fan on.
I have a horrible memory, unless we’re discussing something you did wrong.
The voices in my head have been quiet for a while. They probably broke something.
My 4yo has been wrapping up his toys in newspaper and giving them to me as gifts all morning.
Really wishing right now I had bought him better shit.
Toddler: what’s that?
Me: that’s the sky.
Toddler: what’s sky mean?
Me: sky means sky.
Toddler: what’s that?
Me: that’s grass.
Toddler: what’s grass mean?
Me: grass means grass.
Toddler: what’s that?
Me: tears.
Toddler: what’s tears mean?
Me: it means please just stop.
INTERVIEWER: We’re looking for someone who is good with people
ME: *grabbing my stuff* Good luck with your search
me: how much for the wireless mouse?
pet store employee: that’s a hamster
I’m not sure if this woman in the Starbucks line ahead of me is ordering a drink or casting a spell.
The difference between HOA & HORTA is one’s a lava monster that will melt your face & the other’s from Star Trek.
At this point the virus has more names than a guy hiding from his wife on twitter.
[Arby’s]
Me: This horsey sauce barely tastes like horse at all
Mgr: *adding horse shavings* Tell me when
I’d walk over cotton balls for you
[before electricity was invented]
ME: [presses hand dryer]
GUY IN THE WALL: [deep inhale]