Whenever I miss my ex I think about the things I didnt like about him… Like his hairy behind and his wife.
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📂Years
└📁 2022
└📁 Good stuff
└⚠️ This folder is empty
Dudes always say they want a goth girlfriend until you accidentally turn into a bat in front of their mom.
me, in hell, wondering when my punishment will begin: i sure hope it’s not painful.
the devil walks in & hands me a phone: your mom is on the line, she says her printer doesn’t work.
Sometimes my views are right wing, sometimes left, it just depends where I’m sat on the airplane.
therapist:
Ever considered using something other than comedy as a defense mechanism?me:
Like judgmental stares and mumbling?therapist:
No.me:
….Knives?therapist:
Forget I asked.
People who forget to eat are amazing to me. I miss one meal and I’m burning bridges with immediate family members. I miss two that’s organ failure, total body and mind shutdown by the end of one calendar day
I like older men because their sense of humour was shaped before Family Guy was popular
I’m sorry that during sex I yelled, “Sriracha!!” but you said to say something hot.
I got sunburned at the beach and now my husband won’t listen to anything I say because he doesn’t “take advice from tomatoes.”
Discuss
Me: why does the ARMy use FOOT soldiers for HAND to HAND combat lol
Pentagon: he’s getting too close
Apparently John Oliver is too awesome for words. But we already knew that.
all my dance moves look like i’m trying to tell the guy on first base to steal second
Me: Do you need a sample?
Nurse: Ma’am we just need to swab your throat
Me: But I gotta pee and I don’t want it to go to waste
Who is that walking up my driveway?!
Anxiety in 3…2…1…
[knock, knock]
*sigh*
“WAIT A SECOND!” *mumbles* “I need to find pants.”
Reviews of Hogwarts
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“The very best school of wizarding and witchcraft”⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Great teachers, superb quidditch field”⭐☆☆☆☆
“At least one student dies every year”
[Me as a gynecologist]
*Knocking on the exam room door*
WOMB SERVICE
Why don’t men ever think to do helpful catcalls like “YO SEXY THE SIDEWALK IS CLOSED AT THE END OF THIS BLOCK – CONSIDER REROUTING, MAMI!”
Game Show Host: if you were stranded on an island with no people, what–
Me: omg yes
At what point in listening to your kid whine can you say, “Sorry. This relationship isn’t working out. You should start seeing other moms.”
Interviewer: why do u want to work here
me: revenge
5YO: Daddy, did you play Roblox as a kid?
8YO: *Interrupting* He didn’t have Roblox when he was kid. He would just play outside.
*Both start laughing*
What my back needs
It’s been 5 years since they banned me from Yelp and I’m still mad about it. I did nothing wrong.
Best spot.. 😅
5: mummy can I clean the plates
Me: yes of course
5: it makes me happy to clean plates *walks away*
Me: where are you going
5: to watch tv
Me: I thought cleaning plates made you happy
5: not on a Tuesday
My head feels like something Picasso would have drawn.
I don’t know who needs to hear this but if you have a flock of sheep that’s having trouble with foxes/dogs get an alpaca. The alpaca will happy join the flock as a ‘long sheep’ and will kick the shit out of anyone who messes with its gang.
Source: grew up on a farm.
My wife asked me today if I would ever cheat on her. I replied, “Who else would I cheat on?”