Whenever I motorboat a stripper, I spend more time on the left boob cuz its closer to the heart. I’m a die hard romantic.
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[God creating humans]
God: Make them really bad at remembering stuff like first names, birthdays, etc
Angel: And things like traumatic experiences too?
God: Haha no. They’re going to remember those forever lol
Many people are surprised to hear I’m married because I scream it at them as I descend from their broken skylight in the dead of night.
Son: My pencil is stuck in this Spirograph.
Me: So, you’re having an exitstencil crisis?
[raises hand] is it ok to drink the bath water if you’ve only been in it for a few minutes
[my health teacher opens the drawer he hides his scotch in]
me: ah finally a night when i can go to sleep early and rest up
my upstairs neighbor: it is time to learn how to play the upright bass
Cheese seller: Is there a problem with your Limburger?
Cannibal: Buddy, there are zero limbs in this thing
Please end your conference calls on time. You have no idea who is suffering and needs to go to the bathroom. your question can wait brenda
If I ever had a wedding I would give certain guests a “-1” where they get to pick another guest and disinvite them
3: mommy! Come look, I made a water fall
Me: oh dear god
The Spy Who Loved Me But Wasn’t, Like, IN Love With Me #RejectedBondTitles
FACT: Had kids for one reason; to send them to the basement for paper towels when I run out of them in the kitchen. It’s scary down there.
Cop: know why I pulled you over?
“Hopefully to arrest me.”
Cop: [sees backseat full of screaming kids] sir, please step out of the vehicle
I’ve never skydived but I have had to do math in front of a bunch of people in a meeting so I think I understand the adrenaline rush.
I like how whispering makes everything sound sexier.. unless you’re saying something like “Can you pass the last slice of pizza” cause the answer is “no, it’s mine”
I hate how commercialized Amazon Prime Day has become.
I drank so much wine last night when i walked across the dance floor to get another glass, i won the dance competition.
I’ve never undergone actual physical torture but yesterday I was on a Teams call with someone who said “yep, yep” about two dozen times.
My Christmas shopping will be financed by my swear jar again this year.
I don’t trust a restaurant that advertises “Now with more bacon!” because it means they were holding out on me to begin with.
What idiot called it a hot air balloon and not a sphere of heights
Interviewer: Why should we hire you at the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame?
Geologist in a wheelchair: Isn’t it obvious?
*Dog begging for chocolate bar*
“Dogs are so dumb, always wanting stuff that’ll kill them.”
*lights cig, cracks beer, finishes burger*
My kids in public are direct payback for every time I shriek’d
PLEASE DON’T HIT ME AGAIN at my mom in the middle of a crowded mall as a kid.
She was Hannah Montana when Bush was president. Thanks, Obama.
Me: why is my water bill always so high?
Me in shower:
Man online: You will die childless and alone with your 30 cats.
Me: Sweet.
What’s the name of that drink? “The Will Smith”?
Why isn’t Missouri’s state motto “Missouri loves company” ???
[At a 5 star restaurant]
*gestures at entire menu*
Are any of these words fancy speak for chicken fingers and fries?