Whenever I motorboat a stripper, I spend more time on the left boob cuz its closer to the heart. I’m a die hard romantic.
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His arrival was foretold in the ancient murals.
Me: Why are you running away like that? What’d you do?
My 6 year old: Nothing, I just thought you’d checked my closet.
Batman cuts off a seemingly innocuous driver in the Batmobile, only to deal with the driver later, with the help of Superman #ChangingBanes
I just asked 10 what she wants to be when she grows up and she said just like me. So, confused and listless it is then.
My 7yo casually told me he added a parachute to my Amazon cart that needed to be purchased soon with no additional explanation.
Bread as a loaf, bread as a bowl. Bread as a slice or bread as a roll. Bread is delicious, it is a fact. Whoopi’s best movie was Sister Act.
PSA:
Drunks will undercook grilled chicken every single time.
Friends don’t let friends get drunk and grill chicken.
Wife: WHY ARE YOU STANDING IN THE KITCHEN NAKED.
Me: Who cares? I’m on a conference call. No one can see.
Boss: Okay just a reminder for everyone to mute themselves.
My husband just emptied all the bathroom garbage cans, and I’ve never been more suspicious.
Girl, is your name “Schedule” ?
Because I’m always running behind ya.
Hahaha
I mean…it’s true!
#facts
#tattoo #tattoos #employability #funny #bananabeltbetty
me: can i buy u a drink
girl: ladies drink free tonight, idiot
me:
girl:
me: can u buy me a drink
One of my greatest joys in life is when Jeff calls the vet to make an appointment and they ask for his name, and he says, Jeff. Then, they ask for our cat’s name, and I watch him gather his strength before he tells them, Baby Jeff.
I canceled my plans to go swimming because it was threatening to rain. I was OK with getting wet but only on my terms.
After speaking with the psychiatrist, I’ve learned that “hungry” is in fact NOT an emotion. So I’m in the market for a new psychiatrist.
“This restaurant is so good I came twice,” she says.
“When was the other time you ate here?” he asks.
“Oh, no, this is my first time here.”
Look, lady: Your boyfriend can either read Roman numerals or understand emojis, but you can’t have both.
Found my cat’s phone, just hundreds of photos of me sleeping. Weird.
Million dollar idea: Selling shower heads at the exit of a Ryan Gosling movie
As the king’s food taster, I essentially have one job: clutching my throat and dropping dead when the soup is poisoned.
*catching up with an old friend* So how’s your gut fauna?
Saturday
ME: [standing in the rain]
STRANGER: [taps me on the shoulder] Here’s an umbrella
ME: Yes. I’ve seen one before.
Don’t put up a tire swing unless you hunted and killed that car yourself. Show some respect.
When arguing, I let the other person speak first, then help them see my point by starting with, “Now, what I’m about to say is correct”
Which demographic buys the most barbies?
Australian fathers
Reasons to not go camping No.154:
People in sleeping bags are the soft tacos of the bear world…
“I’m calling you because you’re easy.”
“You’re not even very good.”
“You’re just the best I can do this late.”Dominos: “Your order, Sir?”
Omg, will you pick ONE name and stick with it ffs
– my dog
Back in my day, we didn’t have apps to tell everyone where we were all the time
We had to actually work for it if we wanted to get murdered