Whenever I need a few more minutes to get ready, I walk into the living room and say “My dad has that same shirt ” and then watch my husband’s head explode.
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I am absolutely never leaving this website
The NRA is pretty unhappy about the #filibuster. My thoughts and prayers are with them.
BREAKING: Hillary Clinton concedes election to Donald Trump, saying “I just can’t see how I can win after Scott Baio endorsed Trump.”
Roses are red. Violets are blue. If he’s busy on Valentine’s Day, the side chic is you.
Stand by me.
I need someone to blame for this air biscuit.
I love meeting people whose three kids’ names are gibberish but whose dog is named Steve.
Boss: This is the 3rd time I’ve seen you slacking off today. Do you know what that means?
Me: You want me to move the couch into my office?
The sun got the nerve to be out.
Don’t just stand there, DO SOMETHING
Dogs can’t take cross-sectional X-rays and make three dimensional medical images.
Cats can.
WILL SMITH SLAPPED CHRIS ROCK??????
Did I sled down the hill? You bet I did.
I paid for for the sled.
The kids weren’t doing it right.
And it was my turn.
God: *inventing the elephant* let’s just move all the dials to maximum and see what happens
Someone in their late 20s giving advice to someone in their early 20s is exactly like when a toddler is obsessed with a newborn
it sucks that brainwashing is a bad thing because generally speaking the idea of washing my brain sounds so nice
Make your salad taste better by putting it between bread, meat, cheese, and Big Mac sauce.
Doctor told me I only have 6 months to live, maybe 12 if I get enough likes on Facebook.
I used to be a big proponent of super-descriptions of characters in stories–down to the last ribbon of their costume. Nowadays, I think vague details work well for a lot of reasons, such as not having to go back and remember how you described them when you’re writing a new book.
Taking phone security to the next level.
[sees cute girl jog by]
“Imma run up and ask her out”
[one block later still not caught up]
“Ok, wow, we probably weren’t soul mates anyway”
Europeans are like “we go on holiday but Americans don’t go on holiday, they go on vacation.”
WE DON’T GO ON VACATION EITHER
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but it’s time to throw out that tater salad from Thanksgiving
Supermassive Black Hole
Or what others call pizza night
Just saved my overly curious wife from the US Government right as she was about to Google “where do cannibals get their meat?”
Him- All of your fantasies include me, right?
*imagines flying on a Pegasus with Thor*
H- Are you waving at the ground?
Me-Yes to both
Preparation, pacing, and focus are the keys to success.
“Oh babe. All of that is for me?”
-Me, to my laundry basket.
photographer: alright guys, now let’s do a silly one
Every time someone with a clown avi follows me I add another night light.