Whenever I need a few more minutes to get ready, I walk into the living room and say “My dad has that same shirt ” and then watch my husband’s head explode.
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“Ho ho oh my God I can’t stop giggling!” -Santa Claus, after eating cookies in homes across Canada
My kid told me her toy tarantula and bat had babies and I’ll never sleep again
Oh sure, a guy spends 3 days in complete isolation and when he comes out, they call him “messiah”, but when I do it, they call it “job abandonment”.
you’ve been hit by
*bang-bang*
you’ve been struck by
your time management
Teachers at the pre-school ask why I’m in a good mood in the morning…
I’m like, “Duh…did you not see me just leave my kids with you?”
if you have a dog and don’t greet it by singing “hello barkness, my old friend” then what’s the point
Keep your friends close but your potential organ donors closer.
I don’t wanna brag, but I am definitely the drunkest guy at the bottom of my neighbors pool.
it can’t have done Tiny Tim’s confidence much good, his parents calling him that
My sister sent me a picture of us when we were teenagers with a caption “look how pretty you used to be”
I accidentally wore a red shirt to Target today and, long story short, I’m covering for Debbie this weekend.
But have you tried acting like a cicada and screaming nonstop until someone has sex with you?
Me: You’re not like other girls.
3-year-old: *continues looking for the right Barbie to fight her dinosaurs*
person i just met reaches out for hand shake
me, realizing my hand is embarrassingly cold: thanks but i know enough people
There are 2 types of buyers in me:
1.immediately tracks package I ordered 5 minutes ago
2.turns over package from doorstep WHAT THE HELL DID I ORDER??
At this point the angel on my shoulder just mutters “You’ll regret it,” then slowly sips whiskey.
90% of marriage is seething hostility towards your spouse for being on their phone once your own phone dies
WHAT DO WE WANT?
RACE CAR NOISES!!!
WHEN DO WE WANT THEM??
NEEEEEEOOOOOOOOOOWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW
The world is my oyster and I’m allergic to shellfish.
I don’t wish my ex-husband ill. I just hope he can’t ever find a parking spot and that his food is never quite the right temperature.
*being abducted by aliens*
Hey thanks guys it was getting pretty rough down there. What we got goin’ on, snack-wise?
Do you smell smoke?
I always say that when I fart. It makes people take a deep breath.
*plays sleep meditation with affirmations for abundance as I drift off to sleep*
*wakes up and checks bank account*
Me: Well that didn’t work.
UNHAND ME
Wait
how many?
[Confessional Booth]
Catholic: I’ve done a terrible thing, will I still make it into Heaven?
Me, as a priest: *shakes Magic 8 Ball* My sources say no.
since i quit vaping and drastically cut down alcohol consumption, my sweet tooth is out of control. i almost never ate dessert before and now im like ah yes the traditional 9am seven layer cake.
*breaks out of prison
*hunted by police for weeks
*crawls thru 22 miles of mud to your house*
Me: <taps on your window> DID YOU GET MY TEXT?
I hope in my next life I come back as a dog so my pills will be wrapped in cheese
INTERVIEWER: why did you leave your last job?
ME: they stopped putting Kit Kats in the break room vending machine
[hits you in the face with newspaper]
“Sorry, I thought your eyebrows were caterpillars.”