Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Pass the joint.”

-Cannibals at dinner

A meth lab sounds like a terrible dog.

A funny thing I like to do is yell ‘God, not your WHOLE hand’ when the doctor does a pelvic exam.

to make a tv show you need one banana-shaped man and one-orange shaped man. let me explain

Potato chips bragging about having less fat – I don’t think you understand people who eat you.

Cop: you know why I pulled you over?

Me: cause you wanted to see how tall I am?

C: step out of the car, sir.

Me: see, I told ya.

I wrapped my coat around a young girl. She was standing in the freezing cold with no coat, her shoes barely covered her feet.

She didn’t even appreciate it, she just kept screaming at me to get out of her wedding video.

I used to laugh at my neighbour for getting the gender of his dog wrong for years until my cat laid an egg and now I suspect it’s a penguin.

Why are top brands getting more attention while your unique, innovative ideas stay underrated? Here is some #ThursdayAdwisdom. The truth is that you may be missing out on one of the most fundamental rules of selling – grabbing consumer’s interest. #digitalmarketing

I imagine by now all you Evian drinkers have read the name backwards?

I have a riddle about lice but it’s a real head scratcher

Tom Cruise does all of his own stunts because death is the only way out of the Church of Scientology.

I fed my dogs spaghetti so they could kiss, but instead they’re growling over a cold meatball and not sitting still for my painting.

{After Eclipse}

Kid: Now can I stare at the sun?

Wife: I’m worried you love Harry Potter more than you love me.

Me: that’s riddikulus lol.

Wife:

Me:

Wife:

Me: [pulls out Hermione Granger limited edition replica time-turner necklace] this better work.

me forcing everyone to watch a movie i really like

Yes, go ahead and verify my pictures, Tinder. Because so many people out there would pretend to look like this on purpose.

[sees that Abraham Lincoln is trending]

Please be alive, please be alive, please be alive, please be alive

Me: didn’t you wear that shirt yesterday?

Son: yes, didn’t we have chicken for dinner yesterday?

Touché kid

Some days you’re the Titanic, some days you’re the iceberg, and some days you’re the guy who jumped off and hit a propeller on the way down.

I accidentally took a woman’s multi-vitamin this morning. I have been trying to get dressed now for 2 hours but everything makes me look fat

I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I open a bottle of some condiment when there’s already one open.

My memoir is titled:

“#2 (not a sequel)”

Romeo: I lost my cow

Juliet: wherefore art cow Romeo?

When I was young I fixed my parents’ computer and now that I’m older I fix computers for my kids. Are we the only generation that knows how computers work?

“Nine Foods You Should Never Eat Again”

Also known as the contents of my refrigerator.

I’ll straight up listen to yacht rock on a house boat and house music on a yacht I really don’t give a shit anymore.

💯😂