Whenever I need a good laugh…
…I start reading suggested serving sizes.
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[steps off treadmill]
“Hey girl [out of breath, hands on knee] you like f-fitness? Cos I’m fitn–”
“Shall I call an ambulance?”
“Please.”
I dont need glasses, they’re just making road signs smaller now
Passenger: That’s a billboard, and the road is over there
So who WERE Huey, Dewey and Louie’s parents, anyway? And why did they let them spend so much time with their insane, pantsless uncle?
ME: *trying to highlight text*
WORD: and the last letter of previous word?
ME: no, why? just follow my cursor
WORD: ok so just half this word?
ME: the whole word
WORD: k
ME: wtf
WORD: oops
ME: the word is gone
WORD: the word is gone
“1990 called, they want their shirt back.”
“…why didn’t you warn them about 9/11?”
The newest Teenage Mutant Ninja Jurtle: Thiccelangelo.
If experience has taught me anything, I’ve forgotten what it was.
My followers are dropping like flies it must be that new perfume I bought.
I hope the guy who stole my debit card enjoys his $12 shopping spree.
“?leef uoy ekam taht did woh dnA”
– reverse psychology
[1st date]
So, what’s your back story?
“I have scoliosis”
No, I mean your BACK STORY, like your history
“Oh! I got scoliosis as a child”
Never make an enemy out of someone who loves camping, they’ve trained to hit rock bottom and they like it.
the question “how is work” really pisses me off😭. work is work bro, idk what else you want me to say
I love birthdays! My boyfriend rented a special hotel room for us to fight in.
I started cleaning the house at 8:00 this morning. And I cleaned for what felt like forever. Finally, at 8:05 I said, “Screw this!” and went back to the couch where I belong.
someone trained 10 dogs to jump rope together and I can’t train 2 kids to sit and stay during dinner
I feel like all bears are Bad News Bears. I’ve never seen a bear and was like “Oh, he looks like he has good news for us, lets stick around”
This device could predict incoming phone calls.
“Some people call me the space cowboy”
*leans in*
“Some people call me the gangster of love”
BARISTA: I’m just gonna put Steve on the cup
“Curiosity killed the cat”, only it’s me looking up my symptoms on the internet.
8-year-old: Are you making pizza for dinner?
Me: No.
8: Can you check again?
Sorry but they’re not fajitas unless they come from the fajita region of the restaurant
Sleep deprivation- because sometimes you cant afford drugs or alcohol but still want to feel delusional and irrational.
Women don’t consider it chivalrous when you open bathroom stall doors for them.
I feel bitchy.I want to steal your pen,then use it in front of you,while denying it’s your pen.Then leave a note that says “it was your pen”
me at a party:
*eats*
.
.
.
*attempts to calculate the socially acceptable amount of time before going back to graze on the spread*
.
.
.
*repeat for duration of party*
.
.
.
*make sure to stop by the food one last time before saying goodnight to all*
.
.
.
*go back once more*
Destroyed my psychologist on Yelp for calling me passive/aggressive.
[hearing that someone has died]
oh no that guy hated dying
I’m super impressed by how many football players wear their Invisaligners while they play.
Tired this morning me would like to have a word with stayed up too late last night me.