Whenever I need a good laugh…
…I start reading suggested serving sizes.
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“Have you seen the cat, Sam?”
“The what now?”
[Spelling bee]
Dad Judge: your word is “arson”
Contestant: can you use it in a sentence?
Dad Judge: You’re not arson, you’re adopted.
This day in history. 1999. Eminem’s mother sued him for 10 million dollars acting on behalf of the family swear jar.
someone tried to scam my grandpa by pretending to be me saying “hey grandpa, it’s your grandson, i’m stranded in europe and i need you to wire me $5,000” and my grandpa was just like “…robert would never be in europe”
let the world know you’re kind of a big dill
Based on the number of AVI pics taken in your cars, I’m guessing that quite a few of you girls are on the run
a fairly underrated BARBIE joke is when someone calls her a fascist, and when she’s crying about it she says, “I don’t control the railways!”
movies are BACK
Me: Im still mad at you for last night
Hub: Well Today is the 1st. Which means that happened last month. Which means youre being ridiculous
I work as a receptionist in a vets. When somebody’s pet is being put to sleep we light a candle to let everyone know to be quiet and respectful. There was no dying pet today. I just had a hangover.
Once a guy came to our door with an educational book-selling MLM. He tried to get my husband by asking “do you even know why a flamingo is pink?” And I guess the guy hadn’t anticipated running into a man raised on zoboomafoo because he walked away defeated.
[first day as an Orderly]
*gets fired for disorderly conduct*
you left your water bottle on the roof of the car. oh wait, never mind, it won’t fall. the babies holding it
Once you find someone who’s rock solid about you, don’t take them for granite.
Lazy? More like “selective participant” am I right?
DARTH VADER: i need to let luke know he’s my son and that I still love him
THERAPIST: what do you think is the best way to do that
DARTH VADER: imma cut off his hand
Standing by the stove, eating scrambled eggs out of the frying pan with a spatula, but in a sexy way.
Welcome to parenthood. Every piece of trash in your house is now a makeshift toy that you are not allowed to throw out.
Just got my invitation to Lady Gaga’s wedding reception. I can choose between beef or chicken. Not for the meal, that’s the dress code.
Cops in movies keeping guard outside hospital rooms have a 0% success rate.
We’re investigation reports of little piles cack in all the flower beds around here. You match the description of somebody we’d like to talk to.
We’ve got two options: clean and vacuum, or stop wearing our glasses around the house.
I need to get organized and plan ahead
*starts thawing the thanksgiving turkey
WIFE: how old is your daughter?
WIFE’S FRIEND: she’s eight going on nine.
ME: *whispering* That’s how numbers work
Was that meant to be a joke or did you just accidentally spill a bunch of words you were carrying around?
The next time some pretentious wine snob pours you a glass of wine, expecting you to wax lyrical, sip it then say, “Promising”.
That’ll knock the wind out of his sails.
Me last week: Is fencing where they fight with swords & beekeeper outfits
Me this week: (shaking head wisely) He’s got terrible form. An embarrassment to the sport.
The lid on our bottle of glitter is not childproof. I know this now.
inside you are two wolves
