Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

petition to add fitted sheet folding to the olympics.

*being dragged from the car wash*
But I only shaved one leg!

What’s a vampire’s favorite ship?

A blood vessel…

was fired from my court stenographer job when the defendant was sentenced to 15-20 years and I remarked: “aww, big stretch!”

I think there should be a mandatory test at 16 that you have to pass and if not, you get neutered or spayed.

roses are red
i fall when i skate

Last week my husband made a delicious chocolate mousse. Today he confessed that it was made with tofu. I’m doubtful our marriage can survive such deceit.

I am rarely judgmental, but I do scowl, and shake my head slowly in disapproval whenever I see a vegan biting its nails.

ME [opening a card from the boss that says ‘get better soon’]: but i’m not sick, sir

BOSS: no, you’re just
terrible at this job

To clean up or just move. This is the question.

Bunnies are not the same as cats, but I dare you to tell the difference in a blind taste test.

can u imagine being the first person to try coffee. just being like haha i’m shaking but like in a good way

I am basic white bread.

…maybe buttered if I’m feeling fancy.

Wake me when AI does housework

Me: Grandma died, can’t work today.

Boss: Thought she died last month?

Me: This time she is for real dead. We poked her with a stick.

If my 56 y/o brain was in my 16 y/o body, my first order of business would be empowering myself. Then … fake ID.

Anyone else get annoyed when a TV show says something like “It weighs 5 kilos – that’s equivalent to five bags of sugar”? Well yes, as long as each bag weighs a kilo, then five of them will weigh 5kg. Who exactly is this helping?

my son ordering a “well done” steak bc he thought it meant they would do a better job

Psychic: This card means you will become a king with a lot of diamonds.

Me: Aren’t these supposed to be tarot cards?

Psychic: This card means you will get out of jail free.

Nobody:

5-year-old: What happens if you rub butter on a penguin?

me: [buying $2 ice cream with $100 bill] is this enough?

cnn: [mashing calculator] oh gosh it’s gonna be close

We mostly tweet about the velociraptors and the t rex because we don’t know what the other ones are called

My favorite new hobby is walking by my four year old and unnecessarily explaining to her whatever the item she’s holding is. “That’s a plate. You use it to hold food when you’re eating.” Her:”I KNOW WHAT A PLATE IS! YOU DON’T HAVE TO TELL ME THAT!”

I love secret agent movies. You can never tell they’re hiding in plain sight because they are wearing all black and talking to themselves

All it took was a skirt and one strong gust of wind and all of a sudden, my spirit animal is Hello Kitty.

My kids both made it into college despite the fact I helped them with their math homework.

I do believe I’m an Empath. I can always sense when someone I’m attacking is in a bad mood.

Before you ask me to proofread anything, know that I spent 30 years thinking “FAQs” was short for “Facts”.

BOB THE BUILDER: Can we fi-
MACGYVER: Done.

[funeral]
I’ll never forget dad’s last words: It’s way past Halloween! What moron left the hilarious CAUTION tape on this elevator?