Whenever I order room service and the person tells me how long until the food arrives, I whisper, “If I’m alive by then,” and hang up.
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well well well, if it isn’t the consequences (dying of the plague) of my own actions (putting a rat i found in an alley under my hat to help me cook hotdogs better)
“If ya wanna go and take a ride with me / wear your seatbelt” – Nervous Nelly
kids: can we have a popsicle?
me: *eating a popsicle* no it’s 8am
is this store having a stroke wtf
DATE: I’ve always wanted a woman with brown eyes
ME: Do they have to be mine?
DATE: what
ME: what
I even pretend not to be home for a knock-knock joke
in a senior moment, i forgot the word for bologna, so I said, “you know…ummm…hotdog pancakes!”
I used to be God’s gift to women but now I’m God’s gift to the clickbait advertising industry.
My 3 yr old nephew: I learned numbers at school today.
Me: Cool, tell me a number you learned.
3: P & H
Me: this new math is challenging
when the buffet is more honest than your date
If you don’t like your son, grab a football and tell him to go long. Never throw it. He’s gone now.
In relationships, it’s important to pay attention to the person’s likes and dislikes. My parole officer, for example, hates to be tickled.
In 1987, an American weapons manufacturing employee joked to his boss that he had sold secrets to the Daleks. The boss reported the employee and the matter reached the FBI, where the investigation stopped after someone explained who the Daleks were.
[takes a massive shit on a bird in the park]
See? Not nice, is it?
my mother has a medical podcast where she self diagnoses her ailments it’s called my voicemail and it happens every morning at 9 am.
Brain: Don’t make this weird
Heart: Puts an excessive amount of ketchup on my tacos
Just called my friend’s office & asked for Gary. The receptionist said “Which Gary?” WHICH GARY?? HOW MANY GARYS YOU GOT? 2 MANY GARYS #GARY
Sorry boss…
You can either expect me to work well with others or pass a drug test.
It can’t be both.
The only time I ever make a good call is when I order pizza
before u buy those shoes online ask yourself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life
Him: Let’s go out tonight.
Me: It’s a work night and very late.
Him: It’s 5:00PM on a Friday.
Me: I’M EXHAUSTED. WHY CAN’T YOU HAVE AN AFFAIR LIKE MY FRIEND’S HUSBANDS?
I always cry at those YouTube videos of babies getting hearing aids and hearing their mother’s criticism for the first time.
My friends most commonly describe me as “who?”
[desert island]
me: look!
wife: what?
me: a boat!
wife: HEEEEEELP!me: *writing* day 287, she’s still afraid of boats
my favorite thing about halloween is watching couples fight, name any other time you get to see a drunk penguin break up with a sobbing deadpool cause he was hitting on a sexy crayola box
“And on the 7th day, He rested.”
Yeah, because He didn’t have any kids yet
World: What’s the date?
America: Well first and most importantly it’s June
Co-worker: I’m in the doghouse with my wife.
Me: What did you do? Stay out too late with the boys?
CW: No, I sent $60,000 in Apple gift cards to someone in Nigeria who said we owed it for the electric bill.
Me: …Oh
HARRY JR: what do you see in the mirror of desire, papa
HARRY SR: well if i look closely i see you mowing the lawn this morning like i asked
Rights to name a newly discovered dinosaur will soon go up for auction. I can’t be the only one concerned about this poor thing that’s stayed hidden for millions of years getting named after a rapper.