Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

2nd month dating: A thousand lifetimes with you would not be enough.

2nd month of marriage: OMG you are the loudest cereal chewer on earth!

I accidentally complimented only one of my kids and their sibling lost their mind. As any parent knows, ice cream resolves this situation, but you should give the kids some too.

Me and my 4yo tried to high five each other for like 5 min which shows we are both very determined but also very very uncoordinated.

Smokey: “Only you can prevent forest fires”
Me: HOLY SHIT A TALKING BEAR

“Do I want to smell like a 15 year old boy?” I axe myself.

I’m forbidding the twelve people who regularly star my tweets to ever fly in an airplane together.

Wow, this is a really nice sturdy box, I should keep it in the attic for the next 20 years.

If you meet a baby named “Doris”, it’s not polite to offer her a cigarette.

All I’m saying is if you really want someone to dance with you, you probably shouldn’t tell them to shut up.

I’m sorry I said the Nazis were also a party when you invited me to celebrate your kid’s first birthday.

I’m not the fun “Why not?” friend, I’m the friend who will tell you why not.

[in the bedroom]

Husband: Close your eyes. I’m going to do something you’re really going to enjoy.

Me: Okay.

H: *takes the kids and leaves for the day*

I only let students whose parents schedule a conference with me, and then don’t show up, chose a kazoo from the prize box.

Decaf coffee. For people who really want yellow teeth, but don’t want to lie awake at night thinking about it.

Yo wtf…just saw a stat that said only 30-50% of people have an internal dialogue. There’s really 50%+ of the population out here walking around with NOTHING going on in their head?? Everything is starting to make much more sense

ER Nurse: Let me get this straight. You microwaved your food for too long and burned the inside of your mouth?

Me (mouthful of bandaids): Yesh.

Maybe the raccoons threw away something very important. Did you ever think about that you big jerk.

If you’re in an ambulance, you need to get yourself to a hospital right away.

We need to put an American base on the sun

Someone asked me why I was wearing a fake AirPod… bro that’s my hearing aid

One day I will peel open the plastic film on a yogurt container and not get sprayed in the face with yogurt juice. Today is not that day.

Me: Hello, my name is Vikki and I’m an alcoholic.
Operator: Ma’am, this is AAA.
Me: I know. I’m an alcoholic and now my car is in a ditch.

today at work this lady said “it’s too bad you don’t have a tip jar. i wanted to leave you guys a tip” i said we do have a tip jar and pointed to it and she said “oh…” and walked away 😭

If you’re stuck at the top of a tree and afraid to get down, call me. I have no fear of heights so getting the chainsaw from my attic is not even an issue.

You’d think Kate Middleton would have people to hide for her.

Pool party at my house… BYOP (Bring Your Own Pool)…

Don’t you hate when you come in from practicing your lightsaber skills in the outhouse and your wife says ‘Oh look, it’s the return of the Shedi’ and then your kids cry laugh for forty minutes.

They say you are what you eat.

*opens a big bag of nuts