Whenever I order room service and the person tells me how long until the food arrives, I whisper, “If I’m alive by then,” and hang up.
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[me, watching sports] ah yes, go ball
Google “cat”. Tap paw.
– just do it!!
There’s no such thing as a five second rule if you’re putting it on someone else’s plate.
Mom pro tip: If you’re old enough to critique what I put in your lunch, you’re old enough to make it yourself.
I asked my wife to pick up some 25yr caulk at Home Depot and she’s been in the bathroom getting ready for hours.
My son has decided he loves avocado toast and now I have to get a second job.
British people react to the @BBC posting baseball content on twitter… 😭
I’ve found that women are never, impressed by what guys think will impress them. Also I just ran out of gas doing donuts in the parking lot
me: for lent i’m giving up kids
kids: what?
me: [pushing kids out the door into the snow] i gotta do it for God
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Her: You’ll never guess what I did today.
Me: You’re right. *gets up, leaves the room*
6 pack abs on a guy are nice but it probably means that he won’t get drunk & rob a convenient store of cheese curls w/me at 3am, so no.
When people ask me why I’m in a wheelchair by saying “What do you have?” I want to say something ridiculous like “I got a pocket, got a pocketful of sunshine.”
Prius and Smart Car owners in my neighborhood got together and banned leaf blowers for safety reasons…
kids will lie to you then straight up tell you they were joking like no my dude jokes have a punchline not a line of ants coming from a kool-aid puddle
I can’t go to jail…
I have serious food allergies!
pirate: walk the plank
me: ok but I don’t have a leash lol
pirate: *drops sword* dad?
Me: we’re throwing a surprise party for Tim
Wife: don’t you hate Tim?
Me: [filling balloons with bees] yes
Y’all it’s so wild to call a pharmacy and they ask for the date of birth and I’m like he is a cat I have no idea I found him in a shelter his name is James Dumpling you got his pills or???
Reasons to keep spiders around
1. Eat flying insects
2. Occasional source of protein during sleep
3. We make rad webs
4. They do i mean they
Q-TIPS WARNING LABEL: do NOT put these in your ears you WILL go deaf and probably die
EVERYONE: ima pretty much exclusively use them in my ears
someone just dropped a glass at the hotel breakfast and three different people shouted “buddy!” at the same time. this city rules lol
hey we’re calling off the search party. we found a different guy out there we like more
My grandma used to tell me that video games were bad for me while she drank her gin in a cloud of unfiltered cigarette smoke in her home that was made solely out of asbestos.
[watching Tangled with my Daughter]
Daughter: dada
Me: yes?
Daughter: do you think Rapunzel buys her shampoo at Costco?
Me: I mean-I do now.
My favorite thing is when there’s not enough time in therapy to bring something to conclusion and you’re just sent home with all your unearthed trauma and demons like ok cool see you next week stay hydrated
[1st date]
Me: don’t let him know you’re a lobster
Him: we should check out my hot-tub later
Me: ‘yeah…sure’ *nervously clicks claws*
“There’s an all you can eat–”
CUT TO:
My spinning empty office chair
me irl