Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[watching TV on couch]

Me: Think you’ve got enough blankets on you? I can’t even see you, ha ha.

Her: …

Me: I said, do you think you have enough blankets on you?

Her: …

Me: I’m just talking to a pile of blankets, aren’t I?

Pile of blankets: …

“In just 4 years, you can get a 4 year degree!”

Yes, “university” commercial–that math checks out.

i’m gonna go out on a limb here and say that omg this branch definitely can’t hold my weight and yep i’m going down

(my funeral)
Spouse, crying: I’ll miss you, my love. Your with the angels now.

Ghost me, whispering in his ear: *you’re

S: Oh ffs!

Who called it laughing gas and not comical weapon?

Me: *facepalm*

CDC: Stop that.

The best job ever? Sleeping Beauty at Disney World. You just lay down all day. If anyone bothers you, it’s like excuse me, I’m working here.

I don’t know what my spirit animal is, but I’m pretty sure it has a cone around its neck.

Baked beans are like regular beans except they can’t stop laughing, love munchies and sleep on your couch.

When you find the right person, hang on to them with all your might, cuz getting any help at Home Depot can take forever.

I don’t trust scrapbookers because I feel it’s a slippery slope to ransom letters

Kellogg’s CEO just sent a company wide email telling all employees they have till 5pm tomorrow to decide if theyre ready to go ‘coocoo for cocoa puffs’ or take severance

Sad that Batman’s never seen a PG movie b/c he never had parental guidance

I saw my shadow today. You won’t see that on the evening news because I’m not a stupid fuzzy animal

Last week my husband made a delicious chocolate mousse. Today he confessed that it was made with tofu. I’m doubtful our marriage can survive such deceit.

PSA: wild animals do not know to look away from the eclipse. Bring all them inside during it. Birds, raccoons, fox..all of em

*walking my 5 year old back from the bathroom

Lady: Your grand daughter is so cute

Me: She’s my…. Thank you

I forgot the word boiling and just called it angry water, i have no idea how i graduated college

CAT LAWYER: [pushes defense team off the table]

Nine out of ten dentist recommend you renew your car warranty or your girl won’t do that thing you like!!!

I wasted so many years trying to fit in, covering my accent, starving myself, straightening my hair, and trying to make others like me. The moment i realized that wasn’t freedom and said NO MORE, my entire life changed!! We are always enough as we are❤️

Ladies winter is coming and they are going to try to lure you in with hoodies and fireplaces. Don’t fall for it.

I mean I’m probably gonna but the rest of you should stay strong.

*first date*
Guy: I like when a girl has curves

Me, taking off my Spanx: behold

(Playing an online game with my My 10yr old where you get a theme and decade to recreate)
10: Okay, you got Hollywood annnd the 1950s.
Me: Fun! I love that.
10: You were alive then, right?
Me: This isn’t fun anymore. 😂

You don’t even want to know what people have used the ice tongs in your hotel room for.

Even though it’s a quarantine you still need to shave your legs or deal with stubble and snagging your sheets.

Her, 6: I have a secret

Me: What is it?

Her: I’m not gonna tell you… but it’s about a marker

Me: Oh no

Her: yeeeah

As a kid, I didn’t want to get caught misbehaving by my parents.
Now I’m a parent. And I don`t want to get caught by my kids.

Some hipsters were camping next to me and asked for help starting a fire.

So, I chased one around until his corduroys burst into flames.

i once dated a professional hockey player from Sweden and one night he called me and asked “you up?” so i drove over excited and when i got there he asked me if i could balance his checkbook.